kd, wow. that encouragement from you means a lot to me. thanks.
I'm deep in my stuff right now. it's scary. but i had a coaching session yesterday that was a bit confusing (well, it showed just how confused I am) but it opened up a huge can of worms. Bleh.
Taking some baby steps with it - but it's A LOT -
I have a lot of trust issues - WITH MYSELF - and don't know how to resolve that. Although I do, I guess.
And I also have a lot of perfectionist tendencies that are flaring up and that I thought I let go of when I was a teenager.
And the stuff with exBF is wrenching up some really heartbroken feelings and great sadness, but I wonder how much of it is attached to feelings for me of not being enough, of abandonment, dad, and so I'm moving through that a little better when I am able to get in touch with the self that is well-intentioned, good, beautiful, smart, loving and that can take care of my own heart - before I hand it off to someone else to get broken.
But the taking care of my own heart part gets ... tricky. That's where I'm getting coached (by a teacher in the program) I think ever since I became a mom I cut off from everything I knew. And I haven't had "me" back. Which I know is common, but my sitch is a little extreme. Esp b/c it happened so fast, and I just lost so much of my former life. And so I've been out at sea, very depressed, and really unable to take care of myself. I think the new way is to find the new me who is healthier, and a mother, and single ... (the single part just brings up a lot for me - 20 years of failed relationships - rejection - feeling not good enough in many ways) so that's an area I need to work on.
I'm also (oh I don't know what I was going to say here) but... KD, I think of you often with the course correction. Last night, I was just really floored - like "How did I end up here?" Living in suburban NJ, a single mom, worried about money, alone. Etc. This is never what I would have wanted for myself, and I wonder how much of it is like my worst fears coming true. But it's as if I were on a mission to get here for years. I left europe, left a man there, moved back here, tried to find someone here, and I did, didn't care about getting married (or thought I didn't - and thought he'd marry me anyway), wanted a baby so had one, didn't care about finances. So it's no wonder. But it's still shocking that I would have allowed this- although, I think I allowed it from a place where I wasn't very healthy at all. And now I'm just trying to get healthier and understand my intentions.
I have a dream journal where I list all my dreams - put them in categories (relationship, finances, community) and then list the different baby steps I need to take to get there. In some categories, I've already taken many of the steps; in others, I have work to do - but I'm working on them.
I actually just got an email from a coach whose free telecourse I did the other night and she is offering an 8-week program about love - it's really about loving yourself first and I told her I couldn't afford it, but she just let me in in exchange for doing some editing work for her. Wow. That's pretty huge.
I really think all of what I've said here comes down to faith for me. Faith that things can be okay especially since now my intentions are clearly in a better place and that I'm AWARE - and not sort of steering my life wildly around. Things may not be as glamorous seeming as they once were - jetting around europe, making a film in Italy, having romance in Rome. Truth is, then, I wanted a family more than anything. And this is back to that old dilemma of mine, which I'm still facing now. And where the perfectionist tendencies are flaring up. They look like this:
"If my family isn't two parent with another sibling on the way, it doesn't count. It is a failure." (I'm a failure.)
"If exBF has half custody, then I can't raise D the way I want. Her life will be a mess. I'm a bad mom."
"If I don't go to the meet and greet, I might as well drop out of the coaching program. If I can't do it the right way - all the way, there is no point."
(Very painful stuff - but really what I face.)
And the last thing I'll say in this long morning journal is I really really really need to stop putting exBF on a pedestal. It's painful.
"He is great. He'll find a girlfriend in no time and live happily ever after."
"It was all my fault."
"He is an amazing guy and I royally f'd up."
"He ruined my life."
Etc. etc. I give him a lot of power. That power would be best used for different purposes.
