Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers alcoholic H decided he wants D

I will apologize ahead of time as I do not know all the "abbriviations"
my alcoholic H and I seperated 2 yrs ago. I took our son and moved out, I could not stand to be around him anymore and wanted a better situation for our son. I had no intention of getting a D but felt I had no other choice then to leave. H has now been sober for 18 months and attends AA regularly. We continued to spend time together for our son and I was hopeing for a reconciliation soon, as I thought that the other problems in our marriage would be able to be fixed once that alcohol was out of the picture. although he stated many times he did not want to lose his family, I never felt like he was willing to commit to us again. And I supose dureing this time I spent a lot of time "punishing" him. there were many heartfelt cards and text but never a face to face talk. He has now decided he wants a D with no discusion what so ever...he says when he looks at me he feels nothing, feels that if he is around me he will drink again and stated that he drank because of me. after 18 yrs of marriage and 2 yrs waiting for him to come around, is unbelievably painfull...I of course immidiantly proceeded to beg and plead,which is totally out of my nature, what ever I could think of to change his mind which of course didnt work. I have now completly backed off and there is no contact unless it has to do with our son and Im trying to limit that to emergencys....he has stated he is not interested at all in trying anything and wishes me well, I am heartbroken and dont know what to do..should I just go to get a lawyer??..it feels pretty hopeless now but I have some hope that he will rethink his position...he has not mentioned filing papers or lawyers at all.
any advice would be appreciated

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Bumping up.

ITM, I'm so sorry to see that you are here, but you have found a place of support.

I'm definitely not one to give advice or direction in your case, but I know there are a lot of people here who are.

Be patient. This is not a time to rush to action.

I wouldn't go out and hire a lawyer, but I would maybe get suggestions from people who have hired one, so that way you get a good recommendation. Try to find one that provides a free consultation. I have to agree that patience is the key.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, I suggest you do.

Your H may find it easier to blame you for his drinking, but the bottom line is he was the one who chose to drink, not you.
We are all responsible for our OWN actions, and not somebody else's.

Keep posting....the more you post the more feedback you'll receive.

He knew that projection would be profoundly painful, were you to internalize it, when he said it.

If I blame anything or anyone, other than the simple fact that I want(ed) to.. re: my own drunkeness, or drug addiction, I'm fos. Frankly. Stinkin' thinkin' we call it.

He sounds like he's on a "dry drunk".. that is to say, whichever is his own personal internal dialog that only he really knows, but has consistently showed in the pattern of his alcoholism/addiction... it's a global thing.. we (addicts/alcoholics) all have to form some irrational rationale, so to speak, before we get started (drunk/loaded), because it really is a certain sort of madness.

He's projecting that on you.

Be encouraged though. This too will pass. But, be cognizant of the fact that the processes affecting his thinking are also related to his addiction. Even if he is "sober."

Most likely, one part of him wants to get high/loaded whatever, and the other side doesn't. Gain an overview that allows you to see how he is actually fighting with himself.. you needn't suffer cheap shots in that either. He's a man, he knows this stuff.

First, you are not the reason for his drinking.

I don't know if you have read the DR and DB books, but get them or go to the library and read them. You can read the first chapter here somewhere. Since he hasn't mentioned filing or lawyers or anything, just take a deep breath; you have time to do the things suggested in the books to help your situation. There are others here who are really expert at giving advice, and they will find you.

good luck

vc

Thank you so much for the support. I have been feeling very alone in all of this and was so excited i finally got some replies. Unfortunatly, since my post he did get papers and things have gone into hyperdrive...he is in such a rush it is making me panic...ive blown it several times by trying to get him to talk to me. This has all been so sudden..i cant get him to tell me why the sudden change. He cant seem to stand the thought of me which is unbelievably painfull. He goes from being cooperative and saying he just wants it to be fair and easy to being hateful and cruel and blaming me saying maybe if you had been like this 2 yrs ago (while he was still drinking???) This could have been avoided....ive been reading DR but theres no advice in there about how to handle the actual filing of papers...he doesnt want to help me out alot, we are barely getting by, so i feel like i should just file, but every night im crying myself to sleep trying to figure out how it got to this and what i can do to stop it...18 yrs is a long time..i feel like ive lost my whole life...

so this is just for the sake of venting...its taking awhile for my post to get on the board since I am new so feed back is delayed. I had a horrible night last night and handled everything wrong, I am pushing him farther and farther away but woke up this morning and decided I was going to have to suck it up if I want a chance at stopping this!..still trying to decide what to do about filing papers...im thinking I will just wait but he brings it up every chance he gets so Im on a short timeline. Today is the first day we have not text back and forth argueing about what he wants to do...I was an idiot last night and started something out of nothing but did call and leave him a voice mail saying i was sorry, that was wrong of me and it wont happen again before I went to bed. And today is a new beginning...he sent a text saying he appreciated the message and Im leaving it at that. I will not contact him this week and see were it goes, just not sure how to handle the preasure when he starts in about the papers and he wants this over asap...its so painfull to hear someone you spent 18 yrs with speak that way. He has never been so cold, our relationship has always been him telling me he didnt want to lose his family and would do anything to keep it...I dont even know how to react to this person who says "Im happy now and Im not willing to risk that by working on things with you, even if it means I have to leave my son"....??????
so today is the first day of getting back to me!!...have a interview for an intership ive been trying to get at 4pm and am hopeing for some good news today!!!..then Im going to make dinner and spend some time with my boys

Hi, itm, He may be having a mid life crisis. They do tend to say and do just what he is doing. You still have time, it can't be done overnight. If you've never read about or seen a man in MLC, you may not be able to see it. Now you have the book, read that part. No matter what he says or does, it is not your fault. Yes, you have played a part in this M, but the drinking is a flaw in him, not you.
MLC makes them say unbelievably cruel things to those they once claimed to love. If you remember to believe none of what they say, I'm not sure how the rest goes, but I just didn't believe anything coming from my alien. One day when he comes out of the MLC, he may not even remember what cruel things he said to you.

You have to detach from him and his issues, don't contact him, unless it's regarding your child. Don't answer every call or text he makes to you. Get out and have some fun with friends and family. Let him wonder. You do what you need to make you feel better.

Read other post here to find similarities to your situation; believe me there are some.

vc

If you don't want this D, do nothing to help it along. Nothing. Let him do what he wants, but don't help with it, don't file. Delaying it gives you more time. Think about things you would like to change about yourself, think back to the woman he fell in love with long ago. What happened to her? She is still in there somewhere. Be casual and friendly with him if and when he calls; no relationship talk, and if he starts talking about it, and you get uncomfortable, change the subject or tell him you have to go.
My H said the same thing about him coming first, even not caring about our son.

Well, good luck on the interview, I hope you get it!! Enjoy your evening with your boys; I am sure they brighten your life.

vc

thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice..just climbed into bed to read and get my mind off things and decided to check the forum and was so happy to see my post were up and had replies!!...did have a nice dinner with my boys and then actually got out of the house for the first time since the bomb and went to see a girlfriend. got alittle sad on the way home but managed to have the first day of not crying at all!!! This truly is not my nature and I dont understand why this has me so flat on my back, the boys were gone this weekend and I spent the whole weekend alone and crying non stop..I was a mess by sunday.
Today is also the first day of no contact, Im "going dark" as you guys say...:)
Danl: thanks for the insight on the alcoholism..I have also been thinking the dry drunk thing..he actually graduated from his program he had been doing for the past 18 months last week and I think that freaked him out. I know I did not cause him to drink, he was a drinker when I met him, but to hear him say that to me with such flat out resentment in his voice was tough.
verycrazy: i will read the MLC chapter tonight, i skipped it since i didnt think it applied...and i DONT want this divorce, but he already has papers and is going to have me served..I really cant afford a lawyer alone so was trying to talk him into spliting a mediation appt. with me. I dont want to do that but he is backing me into a corner. What he wants me to agree to will not be fair or enough for us to get by on. I did think about it today and thought that if he wants it so bad he can have me served and when he does then I will just pay for a lawyer myself and go from there. it will just cost me a lot more then sitting with him and working it out ourselves ...but it will buy me some time, which at this point is more important to me then money. I have been thinking of things to work on myself...have been seeing a C for the last year and have an appt next week. I really want to work on my patience and focus on my boys. Gonna get back into running daily, have slacked on the in the past month and miss it a lot. it is my therapy
Thank you so much, it means alot to have people who really understand
ITM