his new wife listens to Justin Beiber and Katy Perry:)
Lol - Gineen, karma IS a biatch! lol
amen
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wait, so let me get this straight - you guys complained and complained that I was in denial about my own anger for fifty-two thousand posts, and now that I'm finding "resigning myself to it" (meaning the fact that I am angry) and "working through it" - rather than beating myself up that I should have said something I didn't (perhaps if I were someone I am not right now) b/c I'm facing reality...
You guys still are complaining about something? Wowza. ....;)
Just had a 9-million hour convo with exBF - I'm so sick of everything! I need sleep! And a break! OMG. I need to lay on a blanket in a park for a week alone.
Wow. That guy. We are perfect projections of each other. To a T.
He's contacting a child psychologist now - for D - about her sleep - his idea.
I give up.
He just wants everything solved - no problems - so he can go have his space. Ah - so do I! Except I acknowledge that our D is not doing well with this - Ah! So did he (at the beginning of the convo - he kept saying "we didn't expect D to be this sensitive blah blah" and I said "Can you talk about you?" And he said "I didn't think D would be so perceptive.")
And then he said just got blunt and IDK - it's back to the rose-colored glasses; I believed for a long time he was so sweet and took care and cared, and now he is who I think he has been all along but was just trying to please me -
God if I'm feeling this burnt over that convo, I can't imagine what male brain must be feeling - I'm eating carbs. I think he went out to smoke.
But whatever we talked about I've come to the same conclusion - we're on each other's path. There's a reason we came together. Maybe our path does truly "end" here - in the R sense (as we'll always be parents to D)
But I think... what I think about a lot of divorces - we needed to do work - differently from what we did -
I'm disappointed. We had a "contract" when we had D. And while there might be better men out there for me, and better women for him - certainly there are on both ends- I'm confused about this.
I would like to meet someone who can really know me/get me/appreciate me (exBF never made me feel that way - instead he talked and looked constantly at other women and put me down).
And I know exBF would like a woman who goes with the flow and is chill and doesn't yell at him and is independent -
But for some reason, we ended up together - and I can't help but think ... we maybe had a lot to learn from each other. I guess it's sad that it had to end. This way. I don't know about exBF - but I was more than willing to make the changes. I was scared of losing him. And I did.
I know I blamed him a lot (here) but truth be told I also know what I contributed - whether or not I'm willing to admit it. Those are my own demons. And it's a little tough to live with. Esp. being it's my D's father. I didn't want to f up that R of any of them.
I actually asked him if he ever just thought about making himself happy in this R - he said he tried, and that's the only way he got through it at times. He brought up the welding, but then said that was more of an outlet for emotions. So I didn't really hear about him trying to self-soothe or make himself happy - change something in him - other than the outlets.
He said when we first moved in - he really wanted this. We were both really different then. I think we were more truly ourselves - before two years of living h^ll. Where we both resorted to our "lizard brains" (all our worst fears) and our worst selves (him walling off, withdrawing, cursing and sarcastic and nasty to me, ignoring me, porn, ex) and me yelling and desperate and crying.
Truth is though, it was both of us. But now somehow it's still always just me. He's gotta know deep down - well, maybe not, though. Cause in like four hours of conversation - I never heard him say anything reflecting sorry or self-recrimination. So I guess he just sees it as the chemistry of the "we" - that "we together" are this way - not individual contributors and therefore individual solutions.
I know this is redundant, b/c I know DBing is really one person doing the work with the possible outcome that it could be the potential catalyst for a lot of change ...
I guess it is what it is, and I'm not seeing so clearly how there is someone better for me at this point. That's sad. It just reinforces that I think many divorces are frivolous selfish and indulgent. I'm not saying exBF is that. I just found that in our conversation I was having a very hard time being positive - I did frequently mention a wish to move on and settle into my own space and start over. And when I said it I felt energy. But whenever I thought about D in relation to us, there was a lot of resistance in me. I feel sick about that. Selfish about that. Ashamed about that, and like I really just want to curl up and ... IDK. Just not good.
Maybe I just realize that the next step is every other weekend. And that's what this came out to be. A whole three years of insanity - yes, a lot of growth. An amazing beauty of a child. And standard child support, talk of mediation, and every other weekend at dad's 1 bedroom.
Sorry, I'm gonna say it, but that just plain makes me cry.
He just came back and told me he was sorry for the last part - where he gets really controlling and starts telling me what things are going to look like. He said let's just focus on D for the next to weeks re: sleeping, and finding a psychologist (again, his idea about a shrink re: how insane her sleep has gotten and he doesn't want to let her CIO), and I said "Focusing on D sounds good." Which is all I've been doing - no R talks from me here - that's all I've wanted. And he said, "Well, yeah." And I said "Yeah, but you act like if I am concerned with her, there's something wrong with me." He said, "Well no. Let's not go on, but no." (But that is a HUGE part of this that he doesn't value my thoughts and feelings around this stuff.) - he just wants things his way and doesn't listen to me - he'll do things differently - but not necessarily take my opinion or feedback (IDK). He said he's shot - all that talking does something to him - I said, "You're a man." And he said, "You're a woman." And so I said, "Okay, thanks for saying that."
I also should mention that in the 9-million hour convo I told him I just wanted us to let go of the anger and escalating and everything and be friends. He said he did too but he still treats me very angrily. So I'm still working on it. Even though I have a lot of anger - I'm just trying not to show it to him - but when I see he is working with D's best interest in mind, it makes it SOO much easier for me to be nice to him (and then go back to wishing we were together- ugh) - but when I feel like he's being selfish and nasty, I get really b*tchy. Bleh.
Off to bed. It's 1 am. And I really don't even remember the last time I slept. D was up last night from 1:30 to 5:30 and then awake at 7:30 - but she'll sleep when he's here and wake only once (looking for me, he says) but then go back down.
Wow, totally having thoughts of just relenting on my position for no sleepovers. I know it's attached to my wanting to so badly to go to this meet-and-greet conference for coaching. But I'm also realizing that all that control is exhausting and not serving me. And that while I might lose my advantage in court if I let D stay with exBF that weekend and just go off, I also realize I have no interest in taking exBF to court over this. That I wouldn't *actually* fight him on over nights. Or much of anything for that matter. Yes, I want to be open to talking about us arranging something that works for everyone. And he could take me to court, and I'd lose b/c he'd have stayed with her overnight by my allowance - and that would feel sucky. IDK.
You would not win in court anyway, Lila. She is old enough, she's weaned, if it goes to court he's GOING to win overnights. So no, there is no point in you fighting it - plus, you might find it surprisingly freeing to get the occasional night of peaceful sleep.
