Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The Last Resort, 2weeks and nothing :(

I've done great as far as a 180. He has been shocked at my changes. Today he told me That OW did go on the trip with him. I said everything I shouldn't but in the end told him that if he was going to continue a relationship with her then I cannot see him. This would mean dividing our son 3days then 4days and since I don't want to see him he would only see our daughter when he drops off and picks up our son. I said we can go back to the way the we're if you weren't with her but you are. I said I need to distance myself and take care of myself so I can take care of my kids.
He was very shaken up about this. I said I know it will compromise your relationship with your daughter but I need to heal.

I admit I made the mistake of looking at an email he sent OW where where he said how much he appreciated her in lovey dicey words. It hurt me so much because he never spoke to me like that. I jumped ship and came to visit my family 12 hrs away. I've been gone 1 1/2 weeks. Don't plan to come back for another 1 1/2. I want to quit. I can't help but hate him and want to give up. I'm worth so much more than all this!! Then when i want to share something our kids did, he's the only one that will laugh w me. For those who found stuff like this what do u do to stay solution oriented.

I wish I knew. Yesterday, I snooped thru my H text messages and found things I wish I never found. One of his co workers that he was involved with, well they sent dirty pics and dirty sayings back and forth. And his ex-girlfriend sent dirty pics of herself. And she is married. I would love to forward those to her husband. This happened a month after we separated. And I found a text from a few days ago that he sent her how he could not get her off his mind and he was horny for her. Think God she lives up north. Now I can't seem to get the pics out of my head. I don't know how to deal with this. If I told him that I knew about them, it would be the end of our relationship. I wish I knew how to handle this.

First of all, the fact that you have been away for a week and a half and plan to be gone another week and a half should prove to be very beneficial to you. You have gone pretty dark and that can be a good thing, (i.e. makes you mysterious, etc.).

Regarding the email, if you want to stay solution focused you are going to have to put that completely out of your mind. Think about anyone who is having an A. We can all imagine what they are saying, doing, etc. Why burden ourselves with all the gory details. Does it make it any less painful? Does it make it any more painful? The fact is, there is an A going on and there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing, except perhaps drive your S further away by confronting.

So if you want to stay solution focused, ask yourself what you can do to improve your R with your S. Part of your answer should include what you are already doing; (i.e. creating significant space between you and your S). Something else you can do is reflect on what role YOUR behaviors may have played in causing your S to seek the company of another person.

Think about some 180's that once implemented might provide a glimpse into the new you. Make the hard changes and keep them going and make them permanent. Because even if you don't have the desire to reconcile with your S, those changes are going to be important for you in your next R. Plus, it gives you something to focus on instead of the downer of the sitch you are currently in.

Hope this makes sense.

Try to hang in there. We are all in this together and we will help when we can.

I know it's almost impossible not to read these things, because you feel like you have to know what's going on. But all it will ultimately do is backfire on YOU because you will have a very hard time eliminating from your head what you see and read. Your imagination will compound on what you read. You might find out things that will be very hard, if not impossible, for you to forgive for a long time.

And what's worse, what your mind concocts out of all of it may not really be quite like what is actually going on. So you might respond in ways that don't help the situation because you're only seeing it from your view. You'll never know all the facts, just parts of them, and like I said those that you will know you may have an extremely hard time forgetting and ultimately forgiving.

I would urge you not to keep reading these emails and any other things that will ultimately upset you. It's definitely not easy, but in my case, I did eventually figure out that it was like injecting poison into my own mind everytime I snooped. I only started to feel better when I decided that I didn't want to know any more and would deal with things without trying to know every detail. I ultimately realized I never would know, so I stopped torturing myself.

You already know he's up to no good, so the question you probably should ask yourself is: how much more do you want to subject yourself to?

I wish you well.

I have been through this twice before with my W and I can tell you that the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop snooping it's only going to hurt you more. I know you are in a bad place right now and do not see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is there. There is nothing that we can do to stop the actions of our S. Yes it stinks but and it hurts but it's the truth.

I would recommend that you find yourself a good counselor and go talk to him/her you will end up feeling better. I know everything is upside down right now but you really need to dig down deep and find the courage to work on yourself. I know every emotion you are experiencing right now and I'm here to tell you that you will get past this.

I agree with grocerykartman and leopoldstotch. I used to snoop all the time on my H. It became an obsession with me and once I saw what he was doing, then it became like cancer to me, eating me up on the inside.

Take the energy and use it on yourself. Trust me, it's for the best.

I was always a snooper up until a couple of days ago, when I decided to stop for good. That day I snooped on his phone and found that he'd started texting other females just a week after leaving me. I decided then and there that I couldn't do it anymore. What good did it do? He isn't coming home anytime soon. He's going to do what he's going to do.

I used to snoop all the time during our R because I didn't trust my ex. Now, though, we're not together and I need to not worry myself about what he's doing and with whom. My imagination runs away with ideas sometimes, but at least I don't know for a fact that that is what's happening. I cannot control what he's doing, and I can't change it. I have to come to terms with the fact that he will start dating someday, probably sooner rather than later (or at least he'll be heavily flirting, since I refuse to flirt with him anymore). It kills me to think about, but snooping only makes it worse. Finding out what he's up to has no purpose for me other than causing me more pain. I have enough of that!

This is a whole new mindset for me. I've ALWAYS been the type that needs to know *everything*. Not anymore. I need to keep *some* of my sanity intact

Hi Veroprado,

I can give you a bit more perspective looking forward. I too had the misfortune of reading some of W's love letters to OM. She was very affectionate and introspective with him. W had never been that affectionate or open with me, she was always more guarded.

When we started piecing, I desperately wanted the affection I had seen her share with OM. I tried to engage her via e-mail the way he had, but I would either get no response, or one-word answers.

In staying solution focused, one thing to think about is that you may never "get" what you read H sending to OW, and to the degree that you can train yourself not to expect it you'll be better off.

It became a real issue for me for quite a while and was destructive to reconciliation -- not that I made a big deal about it with W, it just tore me up inside.

My IC had this to share: the things that we say and do when we're courting or flirting are a version of ourselves that we cannot maintain. What my W (or your H) was "selling" to OM/OW is not something they can reasonably deliver on longer term, nor do they necessarily want to. They are engaged in a fairy tale, and that fairy tale will end.

The point is, I thought I was being denied my "real W" and she was only showing that to OM. In fact it was reversed, I was getting the real W, and OM was getting a fantasy.

Hope that helps! I second everyone else's sentiment that the more you snoop, the more you will hurt. Better not to look!

Accuray

"My IC had this to share: the things that we say and do when we're courting or flirting are a version of ourselves that we cannot maintain."

That ties in pretty nicely with the "romantic love" thread...