Im not sure if i I am doing something wrong, but I havent had any response to my posts in the newcomers forum. So here is my newest question, it really has been a question the whole time, my h is still wearing his wedding ring. I am not sure if it is because he is trying not to hurt me more, or just not want the conversation with others explaining the end of the marriage. He has said to me the relationship is over. not face to face but via text. when we talk on the phone he seems like he is not ready to end the marriage, when we are face to face he says its not over yet. But he doesnt live at home, he sees our d once a week, and I do not hear from him unless its about our d. i think i am out of sight out of mind to him.
m 41 h 44 d 17 (prev marriage) d 9 Never give up!!!!!
fyi since this is the "Piecing" forum, (for marriages piecing back together) it's unfortunately probably not the right place to post yet, but there are other reasons the delays happen in seeing your posts.
Is the delay what bothered you? It's a long wait when you start out, and you can read about the "moderator's" info on this site so you can better understand it. I'd suggest newcomers forum for now but keep the name and then just have one thread so we can find you.
FYI try to write in short paragraphs as it makes it much easier to read and not lose our place, esp if we want to comment. Make sense? Okay so here we go...
Originally Posted By: learning2listen
Not sure if this is the right thread to post on but here goes..I have been married for 11 years, 2 children (one from previous marriage) My H said he wanted d two months ago and we separated. He has said this in the past but never left.
SO this time he left and is living elsewhere, correct?
What are his SPECIFIC complaints about marriage to you? I hear that there are financial problems (join the club and divorce NEVER helps money problems) but what is it he says about YOU?
That's where we can start b/c you can only control YOU.
He texts me that the relationship is over, and I will survive, he has made his decision and will live with it, but then says he is not mentally right, right now, says he is in a dark place. says he was miserable, unhappy and sad. Meaning, "b/c of you" or separate and apart from you, he's not well? According to HIM?
We have had financial issues for the last few years which he is not used to. Does he believe divorce will help this or does he make any connection at all? IOW is he just complaining in general or does he believe YOU are the financial problem?
When we talk on the phone he says he is not ready to call it quits and doesnt want to make a rash decision. Okay...so don't push him towards a decision then. This is VERY early in the process.
I really dont know where to start. at first i begged and he just was cruel via text message, but face to face he was more optimistic. now I dont contact him unless to do with visitation of our d. He is also Step dad to my oldest which he seems lost as to what to do there. Meaning he's deserting the oldest? Or doesn't know? Or what? And does the oldest have a r with their biological father? Invite that if you can. NO kid needs to feel abandoned by two dads...which also leads me to tell you that YOU must be present for your kids now more than ever.
Don't fall apart, at least not in front of them or your h. Stay strong and figure this out. Do you have the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books? Get them asap and read them...the DR one is a bit better I think. Please, read that asap so this site can help you the most.
I am so confused, i do not want a d, I didnt know this in the beigining but I know I want to work this out.
get the book and read all you can. Read the threads here. I'd say you should aim your search at the depression threads or chapters, and the midllife crisis parts, and the WalkAway Husbands...but don't get bogged down in whether this is a mid life crisis or he's a walkway h, b/c they call for pretty much the same course of action from YOU. And too much time is wasted on diagnosing the Walk away spouse instead of working on YOU, the LBS...
And btw why'd your first marriage end? Where's the bio dad for your first child? Has this h been a good dad before all this?
And what do YOU think the issues in this marriage are?
Why'd he want to leave before, and why didn't he?
What event, if any, triggered him leaving this time, and what did HE SAY at the time?
Bottom line and this is KEY for you to grasp....asap...is that HE will have to believe marriage to you now and from this day forward
can be different and better than before.
That requires change on YOUR END...so, what are YOU doing to work on YOU and being the best partner YOU can be.
The good news is you DO have control over YOU...so you can work on that.
I know you're hurt and probably angry and for good reason.
But this site is about finding solutions that help you to save your marriage. It's "solution based" so even though you can and should come here to vent, also remember to do what helps the marriage, and NOT what hurts it. Simple enough but not easy.
Losing your temper hurts it. Helps no one, except maybe you for 23 seconds... when we have more info we'll be better able to help you. For now I'll post you the 37 "rules" we try to start out with to help you know what NOT to do....
good luck!
Rules FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
