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Journaling :

Spent a good weekend with the girls - my W worked all weekend.
We went apple picking on Saturday then to a Halloween day parade (not sure why my town has it so early).

Sunday - horseback riding and then spent the day playing and doing crafts things.

Bad night with the W last night - I don't know when to shut up. We both had too much to drink - told her I loved her and that I would do anything for her and the girls, we didn't argue but I started to point out the practicalities of getting a D - W would need to get a full-time job, where would we both live, how it would affect the girls. Seems like once a week I put my foot in it. Got to stop drinking and opening my mouth - I'm a fool and I'm pushing her away. She didn't say very much except "it's for the best". I still haven't received any papers.

Why not quit drinking? I have quit since about a week after my husband left. It was hard at first, stopping the routine of 1-2 glasses of wine a night but now it's easy. It has also given me so much clarity in my sitch and made it so much easier not to put my foot in my mouth. I think of not drinking as part of my DBing. I have to do everything possible to save my marriage and part of that is not drinking. It has also highlighted my husbands drinking and how much drinking fueling his crisis. I felt so crazy at the beginning because his history of the marriage was so different then mine and through DB and not drinking I feel less crazy & think he is more crazy. Knowing that he is crazy makes it easier for me not to respond to his crazy talk. Like threating divorce but still no papers. Seems like you are on the right path and doing a great job with a crazy wife. Keep it up and maybe try not drinking and see if it makes things easier.

Peter... ask yourself this.

Are you fighting to stay married or are your fighting to not get divorced?

If you know drinking will lead to a bad convo. Don't drink. Don't put yourself in a position to have those bad moments. You know when to shup up...you just don't.

This is why I think separating would have been beneficial in your case (I know it's against the popular advice here)

I'm fighting to stay married, but I keep putting my foot in it.
I know I have to stop drinking - it's not like I drink excessively, it just makes me lose focus and lossens my lips.

I am a fool - everything is going fine then I have to put my foot in it. I really want to shoot myself right now. I've given her every reason to file if she hasn't done so already.

I need to focus on me (repeat, repeat, repeat)....
I want to be giving updates where we're in status quo rather than the idiotic things I do.

No, Peter, don't be so hard on yourself. If you read my sitch, I do the same thing --- things will be calm and I say something I shouldn't.....boom! It happens.

I have been wondering quite a bit if separation would be best in some ways for my sitch b/c of the tendency i have to just say too much when I need to be quiet...but I can't make myself believe it is best to be away from my S even some of the time, so here I sit.

The best we can, any of us, do is to look at every day as a new chance to do our best. I am going to DB the hel! out of W for the next two weeks without messing up (that's the plan..). I will do it one day at a time. You can do it too.

Just don't keep beating yourself up!!! You are HUMAN and this situation is NOT easy nor is it a natural way to live...being cordial/roomies with someone you have been involved with for a long time. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Good luck and hang in there.

Well of course there's another man - not sure of the extent but my W has definitely spent her time after she leave's the restaurant with a guy.

She even left her "uniform" there - she takes spare clothing with her to work so she can go out after work.

How do I know this, I snooped on a W's conversation with her friend on FB - I think I'm most insulted because they call him "C-Dawg". You really want to sleep with a guy called "C-Dawg". I'm assuming it's Carlos the guy who texted her in the early morning.

This refers to a night my W came home at 3:30am "Sat didn't end well for me - I think I left my uniform there"

Wife's friend - "Why didn't Sat end well"

W - "It's hard trying to ber more than friends with a crazy person"

WF - "You mean C-Dawg"

W- "I have so much going on in my head. Yes C-Dawg. The one and only. I wish I could move on but something always brings me back".

WF - "Oh I know that song. You will".

W - "I know, I'm better than all this craziness".

I don't know even how to process this information - there's clearly not enough info to confront, but there is definitely something going on.

And yes - I know I shouldn't snoop - but putting all the blame on me when quite clearly she has chosen to break our vows leaves me speechless. I truly believed her when she said there is no-one else.

I think I need a drink.

Peter if you want your M back please DB. GAL today detach do what works until you act as if thing swill get worse. Hang in there

NYCPeter,

That is terrible news, I and several others were suspicious about your sitch in that way. It's very uncharacteristic for your W to be able to ignore your efforts for so very long without another outlet. The good news is that now at least you know why your DB efforts haven't yielded progress, if that's any consolation.

Affair recovery is the worst, and it's very emotionally difficult. If you think DB has been hard so far, it will get harder before it gets better. Not that your W will do anything differently, but that your mind will go places it hasn't before. Now more than ever you need to focus on you. Remember, the EA or PA was not about you. It doesn't reflect on you, and it doesn't mean your marriage was bad or that you were a bad husband. This happens every day to good people. It's a reflection on your W, she decided to do this -- you didn't push her to it. Remember that.

I've learned that it's usually a slippery slope. Your W starts by just being friends with a guy from work, then they start talking about more personal topics as they get to know each other, then they start to feel connection, and before they know it, they're feeling "in love" with each other. Often they didn't plan to go there at all, but it happens. When the marriage at home is not particularly happy or connected, it's harder for them to put the brakes on when they should.

You've shown remarkable resolve to date, this is going to test you again. The good news is these affairs almost always burn themselves out. They are based in fantasy, and that will wear thin. The affair partners feel good when they are together, but when they come home, they have to face you and feel guilty, and lay in bed dealing with the fact that they've violated their own core values. When it does burn out and OM is gone, that's when (in my experience) you can really make progress with DB.

Know too that when it ends, your W will go through a period of grief during which she will be very hard on you. That's probably the worst part, dealing with the grieving stage, all you are at that point is "the bad guy".

Good luck NYCPeter, I went through this too and it was no fun, but after OM was gone, and grieving was done, I was able to turn it around.

--Accuray

One other thing...went upstairs and had to come back down! One of the biggest mistakes I made was to confront as soon as I found out. Do not confront tonight -- sleep on it, plan it out if you plan to confront at all. You have to do it from a place of normalizing what happened, and you have to do it without scolding, criticizing, or blaming. If you want the truth, you need to pave the road for the truth to come out.

--Accuray

NYC,

Don't feel bad about truly beleiving her. Most of us believed our wives. This stuff is simply hard to imagine happening from someone you have been committed to for so long. Up to now, it isn't even like you are in denial about it, it's more like you just can't fathom it, even though something sure hasn't felt right.

2 things I want you to remember: First, always remember that you have thought the best of your wife through all of this, not the worst. You more or less have given her the benefit of the doubt. While that may seem like it was foolish, it was very genuine of you to not believe the worst. Shame on her for proving otherwise, not shame on you for beleiving her. That said, do not tell her this, keep that to yourself.

Second, you need to do your absolute best not to dignify "C-dawg." Because if you bring it up, you just dignify him, and he's not worth any dignity. If you start throwing around insults or diminutives about "C-dawg", it's simply not going to register with her. If seeing a guy nicknamed "C-dawg" didn't humiliate her already, you certainly won't be the one to be able to get her to see otherwise. I'm not saying at some point you shouldn't address this, but I strongly urge you not to act upset or in any way come off jealous or angry or really even so much as mention C-Dawg.

Don't do anything rash at this point. Seems impossible but try and go do something fun for yourself asap.

I wish you well.