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Doing some good GALing. Just have this weird feeling though and still not sure how to handle this with DBing b/c it seems to backfire on me - whenever I GAL, exBF gets angry.

Like I have wed. nights and fri nights and sundays with d so I usually try to plan something - last night, i went to my sister's for dinner, and D got to see her cousin. Sunday I have a bday party, next Wed. is girls night out with my mom and sister and the kids - Friday I have a friend coming with her daughters to watch D so she and I can have dinner and catch up. I love this - I love having revolving times I can see my friends and family - today, even, I'm finally having coffee in a little while with my "new" neighbor who moved in in the SPRING! and I'm just sitting down with her now (late spring is when all this started happening) ... I love building friendships, being in a community - I'm wanting to settle down in the next year or so and I'm testing out here as a possible option and one other area (b/c I have friends down there as well).

exBF never really saw the importance in this. He's SUPER antisocial, but I was reading in my coaching book that people with a lot of emotional wounds behave this way (sheild themselves from others) and so he's on his own path - but why, then, when I go out with friends does he get all "I don't get to see my friends."

HE HONESTLY DOESN'T HAVE ANY!!!!!! I don't mean that to sound mean, but I tried for three years to cultivate friendships with his couple friends and have them over, etc. He never wanted to.

Same with the gym. I barely go now b/c I've been so busy, but the one time I went a few weeks ago he was like "I never get to go to the gym."

ARGH - DUDE! Seriously? Go. To. The. Gym. It's across the street from this apartment. He has a membership. Go.

That's what I do. I don't wait for the right moment. I just jet over there when I can.

So it feels like GAL is backfiring on me.

GM - ah, yes, thanks for the reminder.

I really don't mean to be focused on him - but I do think when it comes to this GALing, I feel like it's helping me, and worsening my R with him... which is not my aim, but that just seems to be the effect it's having.

My sister said he can justify that I didn't care about him anyway. Is there a way to GAL and still show him I care, but I'm not like holding my breath or something? Not sure how to find that balance in DBing.

Thanks, GM

(I've been talking about it a bit b/c people ask and I usually don't want to - but like my sis, for example, we don't get to talk much otherwise - so I do when I'm over there - though I don't want to). It's not heavy or dramatic (esp. in front of D) but like my friend who is coming Friday - she hasn't known what's going on since summer and I'll probably catch her up a bit while her girls play with D. I'm really still in the process of just telling people. After that though, I want to move on.

Thanks again.

Okay, just took a shower and I think I clarified what I'm trying to get out here -

I think I have the type of personality that I'm more like I need to know what's going to happen. So the "openness" of this R (simply meaning the possibility that it could reconcile) is too ambiguous for me. I kind of need to move on, heal, and close the door.

So I'm doing just that, but then I kind of go - do I want to really close any doors? IDK. I mean, for good? IDK. If exBF were to get wind of his issues and want to work on them or make changes ... *maybe* .... but not the way things are now.

But I think I'm keenly aware (afraid) that behvior of mine may impact him in a way that I'm closing doors. Does that even make sense?

Lila I'm just going to give you a short run down of some things that I have learned that have aided my understanding. These may or may not help to keep in mind, as you feel your GAL is driving BF further away. I hope they're useful to you.

1) You are not responsible for b/f feelings. He is. We each are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings and the actions that follow from them.
Those thoughts which lead to feelings which lead to action are a CHOICE.
If b/f is angry it's about HIM, not you.

2)For men, ANGER is a cover for all other uncomfortable feelings. It's acceptable for a man to be angry and show it in many cultures, and it certainly is in this one.
At birth when a baby boy is born 40% of the connections between the two halves of the brain are cut, because of this males have a thinner corpus callosum.
This means there is less traffic from the logical part of the brain and the emotional part of the brain. This is hardwired as a survival mechanism for the species as a whole, and is an important sex difference.
It is therefore more difficult for a male to understand precisely what they're feeling. It's easier to default to anger. We as a human species really in function have two brains, not just two halves of the same one.

3)So, b/f feels uncomfortable that you are GAL. That's NOT your problem. Encourage him to express his feelings by alternate methods that aren't perceived as hostile if you must.
Guys do lousy with face to face confrontations. That is also hard wired. Baby boys cannot hold your gaze and look directly at a person as long as baby girls can. It's too threatening. It is also why you'll find men bonding over an activity. You'll seldom catch them having a heart to heart for hours across a table and looking in eachother's eyes.
Another short example. If you walk into a zoo and see the lowland mountain gorilla enclosure, there is usually a sign saying that you should keep your posture lowered and never look directly at the silverback male gorilla. Why? He takes it as challenge and will charge the wall of the enclosure where you're standing.

4)Lay down your boundaries of the acceptable and unacceptable and make sure you have a natural consequence to bad behavior. Let him know what that will be and don't make it arbitrary but consistent.

Lila whatever he throws at you, you need to learn to rip out any untoward reaction and actions. You have buttons he knows how to press. Deactivate them.
You must learn to be unflappable, calm, understanding and reasonable. You must learn to choose to ACT not just REACT.

Lila, this has been said so many times on this board to me and others; right now until you deal with your $hit, let BF float in the breeze. He'll either be there or he won't, he'll either choose to fix things or he won't, but you will be healthy and in a good place regardless.

I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it's fair, optimal or fun.
I am saying YOU have a choice. It's hard work, often painful,lonely and frustrating, but you'll grow.

Stagnation or growth Lila.

That's what it comes down to for us all.

And Lila....
you may close a door, but it has a knob and still be opened.
Nothing is permanent. Nothing.

QoS - LOVE it!!!

Though I'm REALLY BAD at #4 - this is where I keep getting into trouble.

I wrote him a couple emails today that were very to the point - one about finances (natural consequence is D and I don't stay in our home - and he wants us to but doesn't want to contribue). The other was about therapy - I agreed we get out of our current MC b/c she is really unprofessional and he can find someone. I said my new IC can recommend people, and he can call her if he wants (he said he'd find someone) I also said we can go back to her one more time to continue what we started about money and see if we can get through October - and go from there.

Then I wrote just to ask how D was doing today b/c I didn't know where they were and she had a vaccine yesterday - the first time she didn't react too well to it and the pediatrician wanted me to keep an eye on her.

But it was good - felt "proactive" rather than sitting here worrying and not wanting to demand anything from him .. etc. I just did what felt right. And I owned it.

Just made a great connection with my upstairs neighbor - even got some work out of it!

Wow, she is a gem. We could have talked for hours, though she is an introvert - and she put so much of this into perspective for me (about how she grew up - etc. Indian marriages etc) ... love her.

But I'm realizing more and more that I want to do what I keep hearing a lot of people do - esp. at D's age now - which is nesting her. Meaning, she stays in her primary home and we come to her. She's already tired b/c of her schedule and adjusting to a lot - and I want exBF to see her a lot - and taking her up to his place (my neighbor just said it's not a 30-min drive like exBF told me! it's almost an hour-) is just not fair. He wanted to move up there FOR HIM - he could have easily moved within a 10-min drive from us (and still be near the city where he works - or used to work who knows) but he really never has any consequences - he keeps telling me he doesn't want us to move back in the area of my parents but then it's like - okay well you're the one who moved an hour away from us and the even farther away from the city?

What we're doing now works - she stays here, he can take her to his place maybe on a Sat. but during the week, it's too much for her. And he supposedly works - so rather than see her less, continue coming here - as he has been - plus we're closer to the city.

I mean I'm looking for a place now that's 1,000k a month and util paid for. If he'd even contribute the extra $675 a month during the winter months I can stay here - then $475 when we're not paying for heat, and that would allow me to stay her and he can see her as much as he wants. But if I have to move in with my parents or move farther south away from the city to afford living, then it's going to be a toll on all of us. I know everyone argues that I'm getting what I want and no one else has this and it's all about me - but it doesn't make sense to me to drag a 2-year-old to a place an hour each way 3x or more a week unless she's sleeping there, and even then that's a lot on her. (In my opinion) I just heard of like three more people (on top of the three or four I already know) doing it this way - I don't think I'm alone in this.

I'm just not pushing it right now.

So over exBF.

new IC thinks I'm still just moving through grief cycle and in anger phase this week - I thought I was moving toward acceptance. But I'm moving there bit by bit. Now that I'm seeing more and more of this person w/o my rose-colored glasses on and hopes that he will change or I can lead him to change, I'm letting go. Much much more. But mostly right now just disgusted.

And exhausted.