So it's an expense to me that's worth every penny. Just had another session with her, and I have to say if there's anything I do in this life, it's learn from this woman. OMG. Wow.
She gets things so well, it blows my mind and I write it all down. Plus she's lived through it. She's all about boundaries, control, talks to me about owning stuff, etc. Explained exactly what I wrote about above - why exBF does what he does - it's love avoidance and he has to keep me at arm's length in R with me, but then as soon as I move out of that he tries to pull me back in - which is where I started the convo and what I think happened the other day and where I told her I contacted her b/c I think I just finally hit rock bottom with it.
She gave me an example of what a healthy boundary would have been. (I'll put it here)
I want this to be an exciting and peaceful time for our daughter- I don’t want it to be scary for her – I would be excited if we can plan it that way it can be a good experience rather than all of a sudden it happens – but if you want to take her right now, you can. But I don’t recommend it.
She said, you can make a request. And I like that - and she said it can come from your reality. Or I could have ended it with "This is my reality and this is what I think is best for my daughter – I can’t be excited about how this is happening."
(these are just rough notes I took).
Anyway, we talked about that confusion and the places I get to with this (overwhelmed, lose sight of things, etc.)
So she's really explaining things to me in a way that I can hear and process and apply and I am just so grateful to this friend of mine who finally begged me to just talk to her once. Wow.
Oh, but back to the apts - yeah, it's tough right now. Everyone says stay put, but I can't afford to do 1475 and heat. exBF has the deposit and the utils are in my name.
He wants me to sign a receipt that says he gave me the money. Just so I can't go and claim child support that month or something?
Right now he's here with D and giving her a bath, doing things on time, cooking dinner. IDK - I'm going to give it a week. He said he's finding a new MC - and then i'll present the receipts, ask for october check (he already paid the rent b/c he wants us to stay here and he doesn't want to risk losing his deposit.)
KML - you're right - it's not ganging up! Doh! I *feel* that way, but I'm learning that's b/c I haven't had healthy boundaries in place that i can get to feeling overwhelmed in sitches like that (as I have with exBF - which is when I overreact) or on here, or in the face of conflict, etc. I get "mean" or defensive I think in place of a healthy boundary. Hence this new IC who is really empowering me differently than I have ever experienced in my life.
I should add that I'm working as fast as I can - with this new therapist, on financial stuff (MaleFriend and I had to stop last night b/c I had to get D to bed, just when the going got good about where I can cut/save/ideas, etc.), on marketing, expanding my skill set, boundaries, and I just feel so much more energetic (weaning 7 days now!) and trying to make "progress" with exBF where now I know some of these dynamics more clearly (educating myself) and can probably react to him a little better (guess I should say respond) and maybe work toward friendship and what's best for D. I was inspired by that new guy I talked to (not dating now - please don't get the wrong idea) and how he and his ex work their custody schedule.
I'm also going to check in with the L next week. (I have a call in to her but she's out til Monday)
Yeah, he's just covering himself - no biggie. I mean, the MC called him on it and was like "Is it necessary" and his explaining it was clearly very fear-based and anxious, and she (I think) was trying to show him he is very fear-based with money but I just said it was fine.
I think this insight into him is helping. Like tonight he's back to be solicitous, even touched something on my shirt and held it and asked why it was there (some weird strap) and I recoiled a bit (boundary) but just sort of observed - like, oh, here he comes back again - these tides.
I think this is what was so confusing to me for so long - that push and pull which new IC said is about that love avoidance (she's saying I'm love addicted and this is the co-addicted R) (all in that book I read a while back and loved, so I was suprised she knew about it and knows a lot about it).
But now that I kind of know it's him, not me, and it's out of my control (meaning that push pull) it's more freeing - to just be. like I can just mind my boundaries, stay nice/pleasant and observe.
I think one of the things I wasn't willing to do is *always* be on guard around him. He was my boyfriend, after all... but I'm learning that that's the best way now with him (duh) and that I really always have to be on guard around him. IDK if that's healthy but at least until I get used to these boundaries more.
She said, you can make a request. And I like that - and she said it can come from your reality. Or I could have ended it with "This is my reality and this is what I think is best for my daughter – I can’t be excited about how this is happening."
Lila, you do get to get this one point. It is not "my" daughter, but "our" daughter. If you are referring to your child to a third person, yeah "my" is fine. But with your exBF, it is you should never really say "my" daughter. It seriously reinforces a lot of the old you in that one sentence.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier, I knew someone would call me on that - I think that's what she said - and so I just was typing as she spoke, and I literally cut and pasted that from my journal.
Oh, I just read your last sentence. Wow, we're all giving me the benefit of the doubt here, right?
just a friendly reminder. I think sometimes we write things down and that becomes our reality (especially if you are a writer) So you writing down "my" even if it was a quote from the IC, should be changed on paper and in your mind.
And read what I wrote in the last line again...I hope you see that was actually a positive statement.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
LG, just doing a touch and go here in my new life as an MLCer...
Hey, I get that your threads have a lot of meta conversation going on... you know what...? You provide a lot of meta conversation...
I just wanted to say something about how I'm seeing things on your thread...
When you and I had our week of work, I did everything I could to try to keep things short and pointed...
What I did find though, was you were for the most part focused on the good intention of my posts with you...
I know I am repeating what others have said, so not sure if this will just be a lost post...
It took me a long time to not react negatively to everything my W said, because I always saw it coming at me from negative intention... and I've come to realize that wasn't the case, just my perception...
Please try to keep in mind that a lot of the VERY good people, IM not so HO are posting with the utmost of best intentions...
Maybe with truly believing that... you will read, process, and wait at least 3 hours before responding with your gut, instead of thinking about it and responding with your head...
I *feel* that way, but I'm learning that's b/c I haven't had healthy boundaries in place that i can get to feeling overwhelmed in sitches like that (as I have with exBF - which is when I overreact) or on here, or in the face of conflict, etc. I get "mean" or defensive I think in place of a healthy boundary. Hence this new IC who is really empowering me differently than I have ever experienced in my life.
