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The more I do to help this woman the more she hates me!!!!!

I went to see my solicitor yesterday, I discussed the situation with the house/finances, basically the "family home" has dropped in value since the recesssion.

If we sold it now, there about 20-30K equity, by the time that is split, fees, etc, it's not worth selling, uprooting my kids, upset, arguments, etc, so I'm giving her the house.

I will continue to pay maintainance for the kids as agreed, but I won't be giving her anything, which I currently do.

After discussing it, my solicitor agrees its a practical and clean way forward, and allows me to move on with my life.
The money I currently give her, if I bank it, will within a year or so, be worth more than the equity I would be due.
He advised me to do the deal ASAP.

So I agree and we get things in motion, as this is an agreed solution, there is no need for court hearings, etc, so that saves me around 2K also!!!!

I called my wife to let her know, she is pleased and happy that it is settled.
She asked me how I felt, I said I was releaved it was sorted, but a little sad that it has come to this, she agreed.

A little later she calls me again on her break, asking me more details about what was said, etc
She then asked if I was paying this months payment to her, I said I expect all the paperwork will be sorted before I give her any money, so no?
She then said I could still give her something if I wanted to????

I explained I had just signed over the house to her, this is what she wanted, and now she wants more!!!
She then said that it was fine and she will sort it out.

The question is, I know how much she earns, and she is really going to struggle here.But that is a lesson she has to learn alone.

I have contacted her since regarding the kids, but I can tell she is in a mood, but why??, she should be happy!!!

I got my son last night for football, and when he got in the car, he said that mum had said that dad had signed the house to her, he seemed pleased, she had spun a line that I wanted to sell it???, I explained to him that I had given mum the house so that the 3 of them knew where they lived and to stop anymore arguments, he just smiled.

So she has everything she wanted, she has told the kids, so I don't think she is lying and will sell it to make a quick buck!!, at least I hope not!!, the divorce is to be settled, my solicitor made me smile when he said that marriage is just a word!!, my thinking entirely!!!, but she is still not happy??, or at least not happy with me!!

So I can now look forward to the future properly!!
I have my kids, and we get on great.
I have no connection with my wife other than the kids
I have no big mortgage to worry about, but I also don't "own" a home, but I never did, the banks did really!!

I'm renting a place that I'm settled in, I can start setting myself up financially for the future, I can look forward to the rest of my life, ne hopes and challenges, its all exciting!!, but why do I still want the woman who has cheated and lied to me back in my life???

I know I'm far from done with her.

There are a lot more twists and dips along the way.

I just love this woman so much, and I know she loves me
Don't know the future, but its going to be eventfull!!!

Hi, DC, how are you doing today?

I imagine that was hard for you to be tough with her. She will now get to see the true consequences of her actions. She can pick up extra time at work if she has to. With her job and the maintenance for the kids, she will be fine. Careful of her guilting you into more. Anything the kids need, fine, but she wanted this. And now the kids know they won't be uprooted, so that's good for them that you are letting her have the house.

I know in spite of how you sound, it's so very sad for you, DC, because you have really worked hard to get where you are now. But, the final chapter has not been written. There have been so many who have reconciled after D. It can happen in your situation, too. Your W may still be angry because getting what she thought she wanted isn't bringing her the happiness she thought it would. Now, though, you two can be co-parents, and learn to be friends, again. And perhaps build on that.

Just know, DC, you have done your best. Keep on doing all you can for your kids and yourself. Your W is seeing that you are making things better for you. Keep going to those meetings.
Has your L said what happens next and how long it will take? It seems to be kind of fast over there.

vc

Hang in there DC. From the outside your sitch is very encouraging, even if you can't see it now.

Thanks guys for your thoughts!!

Jon, I know you mean well, but at the moment your right, I can't see it!!!!!

I had the kids again last night, I love these 2 dearly!!!

We laughed and joked together, I feel so bad about all this.

My wife called to speak to the kids, I didn't speak to her, I don't want to.

This is the first time since we have split that I truely feel that I can detach from her.

I don't have to speak to her about anything other than the kids, and even that doesn't take much for the day to day stuff.

She now has independence, and the life she "wanted", so there is no need for any contact.
When she is talking to the kids on the phone, I can hear her asking about me,nothing of any importance, but little questions.

I know I should ignore it, but its hard not to pick up on everything, even all the little things.

I don't know where I am with the divorce anymore, thats all down to her and her solicitor, I'm not that bothered either!!
Its a word!!
She wants it, I cannot change that, so it's all about her again.

Me?
I'm ok, I'm healthy, and sober.
I appreciate things I have, and don't pine about things I don't
I don't really want any contact with her for the time being, I now need some space for me, I need to look after me

I've put me on hold really, to try and be what she wants.

Time to admit she doesn't want me

Hi, Dc. There does seem to be a part of your W that clings to your M. That's why she wants to know what you are doing.

I am glad you are really detaching now. It helps with your peace of mind, and you don't have to keep thinking about what she is doing. Let her move forward with whatever she feels she needs to do, you go on about living your life. If and when she feels what is really right for her is to be with you, you can decide whether or not you still want that.

You know, sometimes our pride keeps us from what we really want, and sends us on a path we shouldn't take. So, this D may be that for your W.

vc

What I meant is she seems to miss something about you, so she has to make contact somehow.

vc

And the madness continues!!

My wife called yesterday during the day, I ignored the first call, then she rang back,I answered.
She told me that our daughter had been poorly at school and she was going to get her, she said that she was very busy at work, and if needed could I take the next day off to look after our daughter, I told her I was really busy also and couldn't.

Straight away the bomb went off!!!
Telling me how I had not changed, I was not there to help her, she was left alone again, etc, etc.
She even threw in that her parents can't help as she is not talking to them, and that was my fault also!
I just told her that her parents were not happy with her because of her attitude to our daughter when she was stuck at school while she was away with OM!!!!

The conversation basically went down hill, phone slamming, etc.

Eventually she called me, she had out daughter at home, she was fine, and just had a slight tummy bug, and looked ok for the next day.

She then asked me to get a coffee, while we spoke calmly.

Again!!!!, we spoke about us, the kids, the past, etc!!!

I told her that I was tired of having the past thrown in my face, she told me that she was still hurt and angry about it.

So I asked her, why was she still angry with me, she had OM, she had the house, she had the kids, she had her job, her friends, everything she wanted, so why still be angry with me??

She couldn't answer?

I just said that it's because she still had feelings for me, and thats why she is hurting.

She told me she did miss me at times, thinks about me, even said that she thinks she still loves me, but was still hurting.

I again apologised and asked why were we getting divorced?
Again, it was because you are an alcoholic!!Ouch!!

I said I was 10 weeks sober, I know its not long, but its where I am, she said that she knew that, but if she hadn't left I would not have changed, I agreed and thanked her.

I said this "new life" she wanted and had didn't seem to make her that happy, again she sort of agreed.

I explained that the pressure we were both under with work, life, kids, etc, was exactly the same, I said we speak more now than we did when we were together, she agreed, and I said we still argue about the same things, and I also said that I bet that in a years time we are still having the same arguments, she said probably and laughed!!

I said that didn't that tell her something, spliting up will not make you happier, I said that I think we should try councelling together, I said I didn't want a chance, I didn't want to move back in or get back together, I justthink we should try councelling together?

She didn't give any answers, but she was very quiet and I know she was thinking about it.

We ended the call when our daughter was calling her.

I really want to get off this ride!!!
But I can't!!!!!

I feel as the end/divorce is coming, we are starting to talk??

Will it stop the divorce?, probably not?

But I just don't know where it will end at the moment, it is changing daily!!!

Is she having any doubts?, I honestly don't know
And I think her pride will carry it through to divorce, etc.

All I know is the communication is still there, the hurt is still there, but she is telling why we got here a lot more now?
She acknowledges my changes, she comments on it, she even applauds me for not drinking, AA, etc.

She knows I've seen the light and changed, but with the hurt, OM, friends, etc, she is very reluctant to stop the bus!!!

I undersatnd that, I cannot make her change her mind, it will take time to heal, a lot of time.
Time even for her to look at herself and know that she did wrong with OM so quickly

But my ride just continues!!!!

Morning guys!!

Bit of journalling!!, need to get things out of my head!

Weekend started really good, I had the kids on Friday night, we went out for dinner, then I had a house viewing as I want to get out of the apartment I'm in, and my wife and kids want me to move closer??? that still puzzles me, why she wants me closer??

The house was great, really nice, the kids loved it, and hopefully I can get a deal done in the next week or so.
When my wife called on Friday to speak to the kids, she was asking questions about it, showing a real interest.

Saturday I took the kids home, wife came out to talk, no reason really, she looked great!!, I told her, she thanked me, we laughed about the kids, spoke about the new house, then I left.

I had a few calls off her through the day, nothing of any importance, just calls??

Sunday, I picked my son up for football, when I took him home, she came out again, made conversation, all polite, then I went home.

I was home, she called me, again a nothing call, something about our daughter, then we started our now weekly conversation about us!
I know I shouldn't do it, but it just happens!!!!

We talked about the past, the hurt, etc!!
We spoke about Xmas, and what was happening
We discussed the house and finances, any movements, developments, etc
It was all polite, and calm.

She then said that at the moment she was happy with the "new" her, she like being able to do things with her friends when I had the kids, and had never had this before, I agreed.

She then said that although she knew I was trying to change, she could only still see the "old" me, and cannot identify the "new" me, she was still hurting, but was happy being on her own.

She said that I had changed, but mentioned when it all broke out about OM, I said I agree I didn't handle it well, but I'm only human, and when you see the woman you love being with OM, it hurts, I got angry and I'm sorry, but that's for me to deal with over time.

She said she understood, but those arguements hurt her, again I apologised.

She then said that she didn't know what would happen in the future, but for now we need to get along, with no more arguments or hurt.

I agreed and we sort of ended the call

So.... basically I need to let her get on with things, I knew that and I'm trying, but its hard when she calls a lot, and we see/speak everyday!!!

She is enjoying her "new" life, I just have to let her go with that 1!!

And the future is unknown!!!, no Sh**!!!!! I knew that as well!!

I wish I hated her, but I don't!!!!!

HI, Dc, I hope your day is going well.

Your W needs to go forward with this, she feels it is something she has to do. It seems to me there is still a real chance you two will end up back together, but she has to finish what she set out to do.

She sure calls you a lot, though, doesn't she?

Just curious, did your nephew tell her about seeing you and your pretty co worker at the bar that day?

vc

"we started our now weekly conversation about us!
I know I shouldn't do it, but it just happens!!!!"

Uh no. You keep bringing it up. It doesn't just happen. In fact, the next time she brings it up herself, tell her that you were having a good time and would rather not spoil it by bringing up the past.

The point is to increase the good times and not linger on the bad.