Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Time For Change

You definitely don't have to apologize for posting your feelings. This place was a godsend to me when I first started in my sitch.

The point is that even though she has told you that she wants a D and to move on right now, it doesn't mean that she will always feel that way. Hell read all of the success stories. You'll see that all of the WASs say the same thing.

You're right the only thing you can control is you. But it all comes down to the M. Do you want to save it or not?

If not, then fill out the paperwork and file. If you do, then you have to have the patience and understanding to do so. She's extended an olive branch to you, yet you make it sound like it hurts you? You know she was hurting when she had to deal with your drinking. And that was for years. Do you really think a couple of months is going to be enough to show you've changed your whole life?

And the tattoo issue. You say you want to save the M, yet you have that removed. If I were your W, it tells me you were done and want nothing to do with her. So why all the R and M talk?

Consistent actions. I would suggest to continue going dim. Keep enriching your life and outshine the OM. Your stopping drinking is the first step. Keep that forward momentum going. With each opportunity you have with her, stay upbeat. More importantly, start very subtly "reminding" her of situations where the two of you had a great time together. Keep those going. You'll get resistance at first, but after awhile, she'll accept them.

Increase the positive and reduce the negative.

As for the photo with your D. The photo is for her. I would suggest you do it. Regardless of whether or not your W stay together, she is the D to both of you. She can't change the fact that the two of you are her parents. So let her take a picture with her mother and father. It might help your W start remember the good times again.

Thanks MrB

I totally agree and like the reduce the negative, increase the positive vibe.

The fact that the olive branch is always there does give me hope, but the hope is always followed by hurt, when she retracts within herself, thats what I need to overcome.

When we are getting on, and again it's usually when OM is away!!!, we are great, it's like old times again without the hurt, but when she does retreat, I hurt and the anger comes out!, not good I know, I really need to work on that 1!!!

Sorry is again I was not clear enough my daughter wants a photo session with her, myself and my son, not my wife!!

That has got to hurt her a little?, and when she see's them, she must regret not being on them??

Thats for her to decide though.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Exactly what I was thinking reading this thread. DCS 2 months is great, congrats on that. Don't be surprised that your W doesn't buy it yet. Do you really expect her to?

I read an interesting AA article the other day. It said that we addicts think that as soon as we're sober everything will be great. In reality it's the opposite. All the mess is still there, and now you get to start cleaning it up. All you're feeling right now, the tossing and turning, it's normal. You're actually dealing and facing instead of drinking it away.

There's so much hope in your sitch, and in your W's actions. Hang in there! As for dating, I think you already know the answer to that...

Thanks Jon, you are so right there!!

After the conversation yesterday, I did feel low, and I thought about just going out and having a few drinks, this is the first time in 2 months I have thought like that, but then I thought, why??, the problems will only still be with me tomorrow, except I'll have a hangover!!!

You are bang on the money, although we are sober now, the mess is still there!!

When we spoke yesterday about what happened etc, she just keeps saying "because your an alcoholic", she must have said it 10 times, I said I knew I was but I was trying to get over it.

And you and MrB are right, it will take a lot longer than 2 months to prove the changes are real, but the hurt is still there for both of us

I do believe that over time, if I can prove I can beat this addiction, things will change for both of us, but its the now that still hurts.

I told her yesterday that I see my life like an advert for HD TV, it looked good before, but when you see it in HD,(sober), it looks so much different, a lot clearer, and you appreciate things a lot more.

I appreciate her, and all she did, I was never really any help with the house, kids, etc, it was all work and drink.
I appreciate my kids, I took them and her for granted, and until you lose them, you have no idea what you have, at least I didn't.

I told her all that yesterday, she knows how I feel, and it will take a long time to heal the wounds I caused.

Although we are sober, the mess is still there!!

Thats my new motto I think.

Thanks guys

And yes I do know the answer to the dating thing!!

Actually my wife asked yesterday was I dating?
I said I had meet a lady a few times for a drink, but told her I felt so uncomfortable, the few times I saw her, all I thought about was being with my wife, so I explained to the girl, that she was great, but I was sorry, I wasn't ready for it at this time.

My wife just said that it was nice I didn't mess her around, and that she felt sorry for me feeling that way still!!

Not sure what that means???

Thanks for listening

Hey, DC, sounds like an eventful weekend. MrBond is right. and jon made some good points from AA. You have to expect her not to believe the changes are for real, yet. Plus, your first thought was to go have a drink when you got to feeling low. I know, you didn't follow through on it, but you have a long way to go. You have to develop patience. They say it's a virtue, and I agree. My mother and father got D when I was five, mainly because he was an alcoholic. It was really painful for all of us kids.

When you talk to her, it's almost like you are selling the "new and improved" you. Stop trying to convince her, it isn't working. You probably shouldn't be having so many heart to heart talks with her, laying it all on the line every time like that; it sounds so needy. You know you shouldn't be dating; it puts you right where she is, and you know that's wrong.

Have a nice day, DC. chin up.

vc

A fairly uneventful day yesterday!!

I picked the kids up, they were fine
While they were getting sorted she called me to make sure they were fine, the kids got their uniforms and she said she would call later.

We went out for dinner, then back to mine

We were getting settled when she called me, she had lost her keys and could not get into the house, so she asked to get our sons door key.

She then set off to come over, when she arrived she looked so tired, and asked to come in, no problem.

She was talking about things, nothing really, she said she was shattered and looked it, then she left no problem.

Kids were getting settled and we were talking etc

Then my son mentioned about an argument he had the previous with his mother.
Basically my wife has been for a photo shot a few months ago, my daughter went but my son didn't want to go.

When my daughter mentioned it to me on the phone, my son said that he wanted to go with us, my wife was not pleased, and told him that he didn't want to go with her, but he wanted a photo with me, she then started to shout about had he forgotten what I was like before, being drunk, etc!!!
I was quite shocked when he told me to be honest, talk about dragging the past up again!!!!, but to the kids???

Anyway he told her he wanted to go with me, and she left him alone.

It is obvious she is still very very hurt and angry about the past, still blames me for the situation we are all in, and I do take my share of the situation.

I'm not going to mention this to her, its not worth it and will only cause more upset.

I told my son, that mum was still upset with me, but it was up to him if he wanted to go, he said he did and cuddled me.

I feel sorry for the kids in the middle of this, I know its mainly my fault, but like said yesterday, although I'm sober, the mess is still there!!!

She sent a text later on the night about a phone charger, it again was a nothing text,and ended with a joke.

I again feel sorry for her, I know its not my place to, but I do.
She looks tired, and unhappy.
The outburst on my son shows the strain is getting to her, its only a photo not a popularity contest?

If he wants a picture with his father so what??

Again its not my problem, I cannot do anything about it or help her, and I'm certainly not going to suggest anything.

What I do know is these kids are so sick and tired of the situation and there is no use telling my wife this, she has already told me that she will not have her life dictated to by kids, this is so unlike her?

So in general things are ok, I'm good and feeling better about the whole situation.

But I do wonder where this is heading, as I cannot she her going on living in denial about her happiness?

Its all about me and the kids for me now.

Thanks

I guess you have to ignore her outbursts and tantrums. trying to justify or explain yourself won't work now. It seems to me she is really getting the true taste of what being on her own is like. While she enjoys the peace of no drunken H, she isn't liking the responsibility of it all. Leave her to it, let her continue to go her way. You working on you is best for you and those kids, they really seem to be thriving on having a F who is being caring and loving, who wants to be involved with them.

Have the pictures done with your S. I am sure they will be lovely.

When they are going through this mid life crisis thing, no one's feelings count but their own. My H said as much to me.
It's all a part of the whole unfortunate process. She will take as long as it takes for her own personal journey. It could take a while, so fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy night.

Oh, and when your kids talk about Mommy being cross with them, just tell them she is tired, but she loves them. Even if she says bad things to them about you, don't return the favor.

vc

And so the rollercoaster continues!!!

I got a call yesterday from my wife asking about what we were doing regarding the house/finances, the timing seemed strange, I was at work?

So we spoke and agreed that she and the kids should remain in the house, we just needed to agree on what I paid and what happens when we eventually sell the house when the kids leave home.
We agreed in principle and will get it ordered through the court, we ended the call amicably.

During the day I was talking to a woman who I know from work and we had a coffee in my office.
We were just chatting when she told me that her marriage was over!!, I was really shocked?

She then told me that basically her husband had become totally detached from her, isolated her, and she felt alone, Hello!!!!, is this me apart from the drinking!!
She then told me that she was so alone she started talking online to some guy, that the thrill of this guy talking to her was exciting, and she loved the attention.
She said that it made her feel that there was a life for her away from her marriage and she felt alive again.

She said that it came to nothing, but made her understand that she deserved better and left, Hello!!!!, is this my life!!!!

It made me realise what has happened to me and my wife, it really hit home.

I was home on the evening thinking about things when my wife called, I didn't answer, I didn't really want to speak to her.

A few hours later I thought I'd better call, she was just looking to talk money again, and make sure I was ok with things???, not really sure what this meant, we cannot do anything until we see our solicitors??

Then again the conversation got around to us, or more so me, drinking, and the past!!!
She was talking about the past, etc, then I said to her, I know I isolated you, and I know I took you for granted, and I'm sorry, I totally understand why you left, and I also totally understand how OM showed you attention and said the right things, and I also don't blame you for being with him, I might have done the same if I had been in her situation.

I said although I hurt, I do understand why.

She was totally silent.

I said I was sorry for what I became, what I was, she deserved better, but I was changing back to the old me, for me and the kids.
I said that I was done fighting, it was hard and I was tired, I said that eventually we will get back together I was totally convinced, and fighting was not going to make that happen.

I said she needed to be happy, and I want our kids to be happy, that we have to be friends, and over time maybe with my changes etc, she may fall in love with the man I was.

But for now lets just be friends again, and overtime maybe the wounds of hurt may heal

She then told me that it was the nicest conversation we had had in a long time, and she wished I had put it in writing so she could read it all again??

She said that for now she wanted to be friends and feel settled, and that maybe we could spend Xmas morning together while the kids open presents!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!

We spoke some more, I spoke to the kids, and ended the call, I felt totally calm.

A little later another call!!!!, out son had lost his PE top I had just bought him, not sure why the call!!!
But she was surprised when I told her I had it at mine, and washed it!!!

I offered to take it over, she was pleased and asked could I get some milk!

I went over, the kids were all over me, she thanked me for the milk, we exchanged comments and I left, the kids closed the door.
As I was getting into my car the door opened, it was my wife, she just shouted thanks, and waved, I waved back and got in my car and left!

I feel happy and content this morning.

Not sure about the future, don't know what will happen, but I feel happy.

I think it was a good night!

Thanks

Hey, DC, it does sound like a good night. Go slow on more of the R talk, though. You have laid it out there, what you feel will happen one day, so let the idea germinate in her mind.

Do you have any definite dates for court yet? If not, then don't make it so easy for her to get the D. Let her do the leg work, she says she wants it, let her do it. I am not saying fight it tooth and nail, just don't make it easy.

It sounds sad about your co worker. Too bad her H doesn't know about this site

Everything sounds very positive with you and your W right now, and her making future plans for Christmas sounds good on her part. Just take it slow, don't push her or you may push her away. I like what you told her after she began to bring up the past again. My H did that for a long time, bringing up the same things over and over, until one day he began to talk more abut the present and the future, instead of the past.

How often do you go to your AA meetings? Are they held once each week or more often? Do you have a sponsor to talk to if things get tough? Keep up the good work. Have a nice day.

vc

Hi VC

The relationship talk is all from her, all contact is initiated by her, so if she wants to talk, I talk and listen.

I just agree with all she says basically, and to be honest she is right!!
I did isolate her and she did feel lonely, I caused that, I know that.

She found comfort in another man, I understand why, I think it was wrong, and it hurts, but its the truth and it did happen.

We both know how much we love each other, she has never denied it, but she is hurting, and also like MrB said probably scared.

So all I can do is listen validate and be there for her if she wants to talk.

I'm doing changes on me, for me and my kids, it will benefit her, but that is not the reason for doing it.

My meetings are going well, its once a week, I don't have a sponsor, but to be honest I don't think I need 1??

I'm really good, I feel healthy, and I have friends I can call if I ever feel too low

I said that last night to my wife, that i'm probably the healthiest I have been in a long time, I'm fit and happy, but I do feel down when I think about "us", she just said she understood, not sure if that meant she felt the same, or she was just being understanding??

The next hearing is early November, she has pushed everything, I'm just going along with it now, not helping, but not being akward with it, it's all at her pace.

In fact everything is at her pace now!!
All contact is from here, all relationship talk is from her, everything is from her!!!

But it is nice to be friendly again

Who knows what is going on in her head at times?

All I know is that this is far from over even after divorce

Divorce is only a word, my love for my wife is forever, and we both know that.