Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What happens next part II?????

I want to talk to my W about our R. The urge is really strong today and feeling sick to my stomach. This is getting harder not easier? How can a person go from loving you today and totally hating you 24hrs later? How is that possible? Since I started DBing W no longer kisses me godbye in the morning and I'm starting to wonder if I'm doing the right thing here? The only change is that she is not as cold as she was 2 or 3 weeks ago. Other than that no real differences. I know be patient.

Hey Rick,

Maybe you could think about this as you are learning to 'digest' those impulses and conquering this one will make it easier for you to do so in the future.

aeolianchaos I'm having one of those days.The lack of sleep is the issue. Have not called to discuss R or anything else. Impulsive I am I agree but admitting to it and working on it.

Journaling

3 weeks ago a co-worker whom I have not spoken to in years contacted me via FB.He called me today. He is 61. He told me what has been happening to him, it blew me away. He got hit with everything at once like myself. (My father died in May and W and I had a spat in June which brought here.) His mother died in 2009 and his W asked for a D around the same time. He said he D July 2010 and lost his job in August. Said his W had been upset because he is unable to maintain a job. He does have poor work habits usually. I was also his supervisor for a while. Says he has not been able to get a decent job in over a year. He is also a musician and makes some money doing that. He said that he was not really willing to make changes and that his W may have worked on the M if she believed that he would make some changes.That she told him so. But he was unwilling or didn't know how. He said that his W had gone on a vacation and he had met a woman at a dance and since his W had asked for a D and were kind of separated decided to bring her home and have sex. He thougth it was ok. W returned from vacation a day early and caught him. He said that she was really angry and that she told him that he was still married and that it was wrong even though she had filed. I told him about my sitch and he was shocked. I told him that I am working on changing myself in hopes of saving myself and the M. I wish my W would say the same, that if she saw serious changes she would work on the M. The sad thing is that my W has not said anything along those lines and has not given any hopes.

but your changes have been few and short lived.

(Sorry but it's true. Your true Dbing efforts get shelved often and you backslide a lot...)

Start by making the changes and not complaining that she has not promised to take you back.

That kind of talk makes your "changes" seem fake, like you will revert back to your old self as soon as she takes you back b/c

the only reason you are "changing" is temporary--(to get her back). AND SHE SENSES THIS....

If you were REALLY CHANGING, her opinion of it would not matter.

Your need for her to promise or guarantee you anything b/c you become the man you should have become is shallow, rick.

(& I'm not saying she's perfect - but she's not here posting, you are).

You have to stop expecting a guarantee.

NONE of us have those. My h could quit the m tomorrow or get hit by a truck.

Doesn't give me an excuse to give up. I still have to GAL and be the best woman I can be.

Why not

become the man you were meant to be, and leave the results up to God?

Why on earth would you expect her to kiss you goodbye? The woman considers herself separated from you!

When I was involved in an EA, I would not undress in front of my H b/c I considered myself emotionally divorced from him.



That's b/c you like to put all the cards out on the table and resolve everything by talking. It will not work this time. I repeat.....it won't work! If you bulldoze on and have a R talk anyway...you will feel better for the emotional release...and she will seem to be okay with most of it (or so you think). You'll go to bed thinking things are better b/c of the talk. But then the morning comes and you find your W has turned to a block of ice.

The same "urge" has been played out hundreds of times by other LBH's and it never works with a WAW! You need to get out there and GAL, stop acting the part of a victim, and start behaving like a confident male who deserves so much better than her excuse of a wife.

Rick - I have been keeping you in my thoughts man. It's a ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH time. Don't talk about the R. DO NOT. I tell myself that every time I do it, it will be like a knife in my back with the added pleasure (not) of salt in my wound as W reiterates that she's 'done'.

Sandi is SO right -- she was a WAW after all and 'gets it'
If W is emotionally wanting space, even expecting her to be 'nice' is sometimes too much. I struggle with this all the time. W has ALWAYS kissed me goodnight, goodbye, given me the 'sign language' for 'ILY' as she leaves. Until 3 months ago.

We have to remember ---- it's a MARATHON. Rick, you have to really really work (just like I do) on staying away from R talk. I do myself in EVERY time. Leave her be. Let her miss you. She can't miss u if you are there and needy. I tell myself that all the damn time, but it's true.

I know you love her. I love my W more than you know. But the only way to have a chance is to detach. Honestly, I don't always do the greatest job, but it's the only hope I have right now. Hang in there, man. I'm really pulling for you.

and again --- Sandi has words of wisdom for all of us LBS. We may feel better...think talking helps. It DOES NOT.

Stay strong Rick. Stay strong. Focus on YOU not on HER. And journal here when you feel an overwhelming urge to do a R talk! We'll 2 X 4 you, dude

Can't say this enough. I wish I'd been on here sooner since the bomb dropped, but what sandi said has been true 100% of the time in my sitch. I wanted to "talk it out" and it would seem fine for the moment, but soon after regression became all too evident. GAL, be okay with being without W, and build yourself a better life. Maybe W will want to come along; maybe not. Either way, you've got a better life.

Thanks for the advise guys. 25 is right I have only been trully DBing a couple of weeks and have back slid many times. Since my M is hanging on a thread I can only do the LRT at this time.

BUT today my M, R, WAW. Me, impending D, my depression, dispar etc. Have to be put on hold. M biggets concerns is with my D14. This morning while W was making us breakfast I was watching some TV when D14 walked into the room. This is how it went.

M- Where did you come from didn't see you come downstairs.(I was smilling I love that kid more than my life)

D- I slept downstairs on the couch (the couch in the living room where my WAW has beeen sleeping for 3 months)

M- I said why? ( D was one her way upstairs to get ready for school)

D- Because this cubix rubix (not sure of spelling) keeps mysteriously appearing in my room. (W was in ktichen listening)

M- What's a rubix cubix?

D- It's a toy (I remembered what it was)

M- Can I see it?

D- It's in the trash.

W- who trew it out

D- Mommy and I'm not sleeping in my room again

D went upstairs and I said to W maybe she had more than one. W laughed and than said "that's what I sadi". W got relly sad. My D's statements freaked me out. Now I know something is wrong. She is afraid of toys in her room and it broke my heart. I went upsatris and gave her hug and told her all will be fine and I'm there always to watch over her and not to worry. However, this weekend prior to going to bed, D and W where looking out the office window. I said what's going on. D said she heard people banging on the house.

This is the convo W and I went.

M- I am worried can I now bring a counselor?

W- I never said you couldn't is just the way you said it.( a few days earlier I asked her if she was ok with it. She did what she always does, blank stare and no answer either way)

M- The way I said it. ( I stopped my self had a feeling she wanted to blame me so I said this) I want to help her with this. I can have a counselor come to the house or she can talk to my counselor.

W- I will get her her own counselor I'm sure your counselor is good but she knows about your stuff and I don't think its a good idea.

M- I understand that. let me know how I can help

W- I will see if I can get her an appoinment locally. I was thinking of taking her to a counselor last year when she was having anxitie attacks during school presentations.

I thought about her last statement. She told me in passing as usual that D was not doing presentations in school due to fear. I know all about public speaking all 3 of us hate them. But I was surprised that W never talked to me that she was thinking of taking her to a counselor. When D made those comments I went into the I needed to know more, and almost did what I usually did, interrogate. It became very clear to me as to why I blow up on W. It goes something like this. I will either make a suggestion or talk to W about something that might need doing. Whether stuff around the house, D's schooling etc. I usually am met with either a blank stare, I don't know or out right rejection of a suggestion. So either way I usually think that W is saying NO. She usually does things without me knowing or discussing it with me. perfect example, last summer I said to W that we should have the AC system maintained. She said why spend the money if it ain't broke. So last summer we had a heat wave and the AC went. Cost me 600$ bacause it was an emergency call. If I had it checked earlier in the season it would have cost 200$. So when W does not say to go ahead I just take it as she is saying no. But when sh@@@t hits the fan and I say I told you so she blames me for not doing something as in this morning regarding getting a counselor. I hope my kid survives this unharmed. I hope W sees that she is hurting my D's life, me and her own life.

I so see myself in your description of your wife's behavior. When my h would present me with a problem (plate on the floor, kid needs a tutor, car needs maintenance...) i can clearly imagine my response looking like a blank stare. What it really was was me thinking a combination of 1) really? I'm in the middle of a stir fry and i need to go pick it up?, 2) why dont you tell me this when i can do something about it; you know ill forget and youll get mad that i procrastinated, and 3) why cant you take charge of this instead of expecting me to? And a dash of 4) that was a vague statement i didnt hear as a request that you thought was a request. Without getting inside your wifes head, i can relate enough to wonder if you should be more clear like "can you set up an appt for d this week? If not ill go ahead and arrange one next week." dont get pulled into an argument about a year ago, just say "i wish i had then, but lets do something now". And timing makes a big difference - if you two cant drop everything now or soon to take care of what needs doing then put it on her or ur calendar or write it in an eml so it doesnt seem to her like shooting the breeze but rather a plan of action. My h got so frustrated by my ignoring him, and i didnt know he was even really asking for something. Hope this helps a little and gives you some ideas to improve your communication with w.