Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

New Thread - about time, given I'm freaking out in the 3rd one!

Other three here now:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Still considering how I approach W to give her a key to the house, my lawyer disagrees with this, but she is just looking out for me. And then how to talk 'asset splitting'.

Emailed my W last night and said let's catch up next week and I will give you a key to the house to come and get your stuff.
Also, made reference to last weekend and some of the things she brought up, basically said this:

W,

Thank you for catching up on the weekend. It was nice to see you, its been so long, and I know it was difficult. I've been thinking a lot about some of the things you said on Saturday, particularly the hurts and disappointments you had with me over the years.

I have been reflecting on this and myself and I feel I never properly listened or heard you when you expressed your pain from these instances.

I can't imagine how it would have made you feel to move 1000s of miles from home to be with the man you love and I didn't express the same excitement.

You gave so much for us to be together and it is something I am so appreciative of. I can see and understand how hurt you would have been when I took too long to propose to you, especially when I knew for years that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.

As I mentioned, I am doing a lot to see how I contributed to where we are at and I can fully see and appreciate your hurts. Again, I can't imagine how you would have felt when I stupidly said I didn't want kids. It would have been devastating for you and I can see it would have hurt so much. I am sorry, as even though you don't believe it, I never meant it. It was my immaturity and it was more reflective of that time, not what I wanted in the future. I always wanted us to have a family, and our son be a pilot to get us cheap flights to the States !

I can see and understand why you weren't happy and got scared and unsettled. I am sorry.

Cam


And....as usual...no response.
I just think she wants to pretend I don't exist, get her stuff and go and never look back....and just keep on running.

Why did you feel like you had to contact her about this stuff AGAIN? You've said it before in different ways, different times. When you constantly bring it up, it brings up their memories of everything being bad and your fault. Stop that.

That's the reason why the first rule of DBing is to not talk about the R. You keep shooting yourself in the foot when you do it.

Cam

Words are words. You think by telling her all this she will hear it and reconsider?

You can't talk your way out of something you ACTED your way into.

First make the changes. Make them for you not because your W will come back because she may not.

Then live your changes.

Act the way the man you want to be would act.

If someone was saying this stuff to you would you want to come back?

How much more pain and suffering will you endure before you stop?

I see this cycle with you. You beat yourself up. Decide that if you could only get your W back everything would be fine. You obsess that she won't come back. You kick yourself in the jimmy. Then you let your feelings of despair and neediness get to you and you try to beg your W back. Then she kicks you in the jimmy.Then you get discouraged and decide to just to leave and get a D. Repeat.

Your W is not going to make you happy. She didn't while you were married. Those things you did that she has complaints about? That was you. That was YOU not being happy.

We know WHAT happened Cam. She left because ______, _________, and _________.

The question is WHY? Not her WHY. Yours.

Stop focusing on your W. Stop begging forgiveness of your sins. She is not perfect either.

Your life wasn't perfect and it won't be if she comes back.

BUT

You have an opportunity here Cam, before you run away with your tail between your legs, to learn and decide to do better.

That has nothing to do with your W. But it is imperative if you don't want to make the same mistakes with this M going forward or any other relationship you decide to have.


What do you want to do?

Cam,

Please listen to Bond and Grit.

I know, thank you guys.
I guess I am just confused......I don't know whether to go dark and if that's the right strategy, or to interact with my W, as that's what I feel my DB coach suggests.

She texted me to tonight with "thank you for your email. I was not trying to make you feel bad by telling you those things, I was just trying to help you understand. Have a good weekend"

TG, I don't think she will reconsider, I don't know why I tell her that. Maybe in a way I hope she will reconsider, but maybe it's just me trying to recognize my faults and apologize. In a way I feel like I am begging for forgiveness, and I know it will get me nowhere.

I guess I feel so desperate and sad because since she left my life has gone to sh!t. All of my friends either have kids or are having them, and I am honestly the odd one out and so alone.......All I wanted was a family with her and I never told her and now I have nothing....it just sux.

I think I just need to properly be dark and somehow detach, although it is so hard as I think about her every waking moment. If only u had shown this love and appreciation over the last few years, I wouldn't be here.

Also can I just say how appreciative I am of everyones advice and help here....it means so much to me and gets me through so many dark times. So thank you:
TG
CS
AC
Bond
Finah
Harrier
DG
Drew
Still learning
In shock
Ntxsaddad
Sandi2

And anyone else out there.....thank you.

This is good - BUT!!!!!!

DO NOT RESPONd!!!!

Was I clear?

No "thank you"

No "maybe if I would have ..."

Work on Cam.

Somehow you have to figure out ... and it's different for everyone ... how do you stop beating yourself up and start moving forward.

Cam, yes, listen to Grit, bond, and Drew.

She already knows that you've owned up to things and are hurting. She doesn't want to hear it over and over and over again. You keep reminding her of the bad things from the past.

If she's anything like my stbx, she is exhausted from hearing about the failures in the relationship. Frankly, over the summer, I became tired of talking about them too.

I've been reading a boo this week called "The Passion Trap". It talks about the "pursuer-distancer" dynamic in some relationships. I am only in chapter three but it so far it accurately describes the imbalance I sense in your relationship and mine.

Just hang in there and try to keep busy. Invite everyone you know to do things after work and on the weekends. Focus on cam and try to have some fun.

Stupidly rang my W last night.....was out drinking all day and night..it was the superbowl of Australian football which I was at, so big day. Luckily she didn't answer.

Considering calling her today to just get this over and done with. Starting to feel that why would i want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me....she has made it so clear she wants me out of her life forever, and whether there is an OM or not, she will never be with me again. She has said it so many times, and to hear her say "she couldn't imagine ever being with me again" just makes it all so much more final and real.

So will give her a call and ask her to sit down and start splitting assets to get this over and done with.