Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Keeping hope alive - Ctflor Part ll

CTflor,

I feel for you - I'm going through the same sort of thing at the moment. I feel sick with grief and I'm so lonely. I still can't believe this is actually happening to me.

And I can't seem to stop feeling like this either. But I keep telling myself that it has to get better.

And I keep reading here that it does.

We will get through this, you and I and everyone else working together on this site to share knowledge and insight into what works.
We are there for each other, and that's something very powerful.
25's reminders and encouragement are just what we need to keep us on track.

((((nlw,wretc,25))))

25' i answered you over in ssm...and will for now on stay in my thread.

Thank you for sharing this story with me about the woman from Rwanda. Truly puts things into perspective.

I cannot tolerate anti depressants...after a wreck that nearly took my life years ago i suffered ptsd and anxiety...and was tried in all kinds of different ones until they finally put me on xanax. I was on that for 8 years and the dr insisted it was time to end it so i went through a hellish 7 month withdrawal of tapering. So at this point i'm not so keen on going that route again. I will if i have to..

You mentioned choosing one db technique and sticking with that...it took me awhile to find something that seems to work...i noticed when i tried it, h responded favorably. What i'm doing is...being really calm and laid back. Not talking at all about r. Not asking questions like...."why are you an hour late?" and being somewhat cheerful...but not overly fake...just myself as i am when im in a good mood.

When i am like this...he seems to be relaxed, has come up to me for hugs...and last night he came over and sat next to me during a game we were watching. And he seems a bit more affectionate.

So maybe what i am doing is having a positive effect. There is still that bit of uncomfortable feeling there...between us. Like the uncomfortable silences.

He told me the other day that he still thinks we have a chance, but he doesnt know if i will change and "let him be himself".

I started my new db technique i mentioned on his birthday....the next day he was telling me how happy he felt, thanked me for giving him a nice bday, then commented that things felt natural between us.

If h finds a job and apt, we will move asap. 25, i am thrilled about the prospect of going home again and having more around me.

At the same time, alllll these fears rise up in my heart...

What if he gets out there and decided he doesnt want to be with me

What if he cheats again

What if (fill in blank for anything that could go wrong)

I have to trust him, even when i dont have a drop of trust left.

The hardest part of doing my db-ing technique is...smiling when i feel like im dying inside, being calm when i feel like crying....and somehow beating back emotions i feel about ow, what he did, things i read...his bad treatment of me. I feel anger and resentful at times.

This is taking some major self control here. He wants to move on and gets angry when anything is brought up. My feelings are still raw and at the surface, especially about ow.

While i db my h, i need to address my pain. What i do is...go for a walk alone where no one can see or hear me and i cry and let it all out. Then go back home and resume db.

Nwl, i totally hear you. Im heading into month 4 of this. You are in a good place on this forum. In the middle of this grief i find some peace and strength to keep going. ((((((()))))))

Here we go...

I've been working at pulling back and not being clingy. I stopped asking questions. Last night i resolved myself to the fact that h may take a long long time to ever want to be intimate, and that i am just going to be patient, drop it, and let it go. And this has taken me, dropping immature childish feelings i was having and realizing this is not just about me.

I wake up this morning to h initiating something and i really did not feel comfortable with it...i got nervous! Here, i was ...thinking...wow this is something i wanted to happen so badly and now that it is....i'm worried? But i thought about wanting to keep that connection alive so we ml. Afterward, h asked me if i was ok with this...and said he was hesitant at first...doesnt want me to take it as if all our problems are solved because we ml. I told him i knew it didnt, and i validated his feelings.

This is crazy because i'm happy we connected again, yet i'm thrown off my game again...

I'm thinking ...i will continue with what was working.

Is it normal for an mlc'r to have swift mood swings? One moment seeming happy and loving...even saying ilu's, then 30 min later distant, and acting like they dont really want to be around you.

The short answer is 'Yes' - as normal as anything ever is in MLC. It is a crisis.

Don't get sucked into his whirlpool bath!

Thanks Beatrice. I *should* know this by now...sometimes it just seems so unreal it can't be true. Like h ML to me and by evening is acting like a jerk and wont make eye contact.

Sometimes i wonder...why am I allowing myself to put up with this. Then i look at him and realize how much i love him, and i still see the man i have been with for so many years and i just can't give up. Does is make me a stander?

H is supposed to put in his two week notice tomorrow...and i feel so full of fear and worry. I wonder if our move will reap good things for our R.

Hi Ctflor,

The sudden change after a moment of intimacy is something that happens a lot in MLC'ers. Its sometimes called pulling back. Its part of the pursuit and distance dance. After pursuing such as with ML, they suddenly question their motives, why they did it, realize they are not yet ready, and so they make it a point to let you know that the episode did not mean that things are fixed, and act that way as well.

Just keep on going, be extra careful not to show you are expecting anything, as it may keep hi away all the more. and mirror his behaviour. If he is being cold and avoidant, then keep away as well.

Also, don't show your worry and anxiety about the move. It will translate to your not trusting his decisions.

Thanks Angel...this helps me understand a little better. My mind has been scattered the past few days. it has been mkind of a pursuit and distance dance around here. I notice when i pull back a little he comes a little closer.

It looks like the move is going to become a reality. H put in his notice at work today. I will try to not come off anxious. When he leaves this will be the first time since we got married that we have been apart, and because things between us are as they are, the separation scares me. I mentioned that to him only one time and he told me "if you think i'm ditch you up here you're wrong, i may have made some mistakes but i'm not going to do that."

Part of me has wondered if he is moving me back out there because he will feel better about leaving me there....but then he makes comments about continuing mc and wanting to work on our m.