Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis GALing and Boundaries with XH

My son is anglo american - did part of his undergrad at University of N Carolina. I loved the first of the 'Dark materials' trilogy, Northern Lights but felt that the third was not as convincing . . The French word 'Conte' is either translated as story or tale, as you doubtless know. He also speaks French so read the Perrault in the original, which is a bit different . .

Yes it is a good idea to avoid the 's' word!

I think that some Fairy tales are about Mid Life Crisis - the ones like Rip van Winkle, and others like Thomas teh Rhymer where people go off with the faery folk and come back years later to a changed world . . .

NO WAY!!! My friend in the Phd program is at Univer. of NC!!!

I love the Dark Materials trilogy, all parts, but yes, the 3rd part is almost all philosophy and so different from the rest. I only teach the first book, and pretty much all students get sucked in. Right before XH left, he helped a stray cat we took in have her babies (she was very unskilled...) and one was not breathing and he saved her :-) I was going to give them up, but when he left I needed a reason to get up in the a.m....and I kept them and named them Lyra and Serafina. They are a joy. I guess you're not on the alt (FB)...I could show you pics if you were!

But anyway I'm writing about everything else Pullman ever wrote, so most of my essays will be the first critical interpretations of his work. I'd love to meet him some day...

You are very right that some f. tales are about mlc. Urashima the Fisherman is like the ones you mentioned. BTW anyone reading this post, know that there are fairy tales about MLC...so it's clearly an OLD phenomena!

I think if your son has any inclination to go for a PhD he should. He sounds like a very bright guy and the world needs people who are intellectually gifted to inspire others.

And as a side note, you should get a FB page so I can communicate with you there ;-) You seem like a person I need to know!

Antonia - I have avoided Fb until now for two reasons. My younger children are on it, and at that time asked me not to be [nicely] and so was my xh, which was so unlikely that I nearly fell over. But I know I am missing out on some good contacts. It used to be easier to meet up here - we could exchange email addresses, but the rules have changed.

My son was encouraged strongly to go back to NC - he did grad courses while he was an undergrad there, and yes he is bright. But he is now based in London, and with a fantastic gf who is training to be a midwife! So not likely to up sticks and move to the USA, especially as midwives have a much more significant and well established position in the whole birth process in Europe.

What I like about Pullman is that he writes intelligent fantasy. Have you read any of Doris Lessing's fantasy/sf works. I think they are terrific, but she got a lot of stick for straying outside 'conventional' fiction.

I always think that fiction is the creation of other worlds, and that fantasy, well written, is an extension of this. Ursula le Guin is a favourite of mine too. I love the way she plays with the idea of gender in books like 'The left hand of darkness'

And yes, in some ways MLC is like a kind of enchantment, a willingness to leave your old life and go off with the fairy folk. The dangers are made very explicit, but so is the allure! And that is what the lbs doesn't see. A wise friend of mine who has dealt a lot with drug addicts told me that drugs make you feel wonderful - at the time - and that is often overlooked. These people feel trapped and failures, and so they seek a drug of choice.

Stories of fairy tell us that there is always a price, often payable at the exit. But sometimes during the process.

Think of 'The Snow Queen' and 'The Little Mermaid'

I suppose if you wanted to be on FB you could use your screen name from here--a lot of people do--which would protect your "anonymity" with your family and allow you to interact on a different level with a lot of the people here.

I haven't read D. Lessing or U. LeGuin and know I must! They are always coming up in criticism I read. I really love Jeannette Winterson although she doesn't do that much in "fantasy", but it could be argued that much of her work is not really linear. My friend is doing her dissertation on her.

Your f. tale examples are perfect! The ironic thing for me is that I had such a strong belief in the Cinderella type f. tale for my whole life, and being saved by the prince and all that, and I kept saying that my belief in f. tales "ended" with XH's MLC and the fallout from his actions. And yet I've actually found that only a certain "type" of f. tale rings "false" for me, while there are plenty of others that make a whole lot more sense now!

You know that's a good idea for an anthology...a collection of stories that all fit MLC...but I'm not sure who would buy it except for all of us!

I think the anthology sounds good - and I think that the readership could be quite wide - people love traditional things that are made relevant, even if not to their specific situation.

I think Jeanette Winterson writes really well, but I don't always enjoy her bleakness. There was an amazing UK tv adaptation of 'Oranges are not the only fruit' [1989] which you might enjoy if you haven't seen.

The Ursula le Guin writings are enjoyable and thought provoking. She uses SF to explore alternative ways of looking at the human condition. I also like Doris Lessing's 'Canopus in Argos' series of 5 books, but she was criticised by many serious critics for dabbling in the fantasy/sf genre

I will explore your suggestion for being on fb. Thank you. In fact I am thinking of setting up a writers' retreat in the property I have bought and am renovating. I have discovered that there is a market for this - a lot of writers who want to get away and write somewhere peaceful.

As to fariy tales - the Cinderella one is about wish fulfillment, on one level. Dangerous, as is Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty. For the first two it took an astute Canadian sociologist to look at stats for harm among step children to see that something sinister is going on there. While I personally know of several people with amazing step parents, there is also a sorry tale of neglect and abuse.

Well I, for one, will be very excited if you make your way onto FB, and I'm sure other posters will as well.

I'll look into the books you recommend, thank you!

I love your writer's retreat idea. That sounds so lovely! Just think, you probably would not be considering such a thing (and maybe you wouldn't be renovating a property?) if you had not suffered a loss a long time ago...it's so wonderful to see how empowered you are in taking charge of your life and your own happiness.

Hiya Antonia!

Bea, get on fb! Use the name you use hear. A lot of us do.
Would love to see you on there, my friend.

Actually I think I might have done this anyway, but it is exciting doing it on my own, although a bit scary as well.

But I am convinced that if you keep you heart and mind open to new possibilities they happen, though not always as you want them. I had a very happy marriage, with little co-dependent behaviour, but I wouldn't want to go back now. Occasional loneliness is a small price to pay for huge freedom to grow and develop, and I think there are times in our life when we need to be alone. You never really learn to swim if you keep the armbands on do you?

OK so when you sign up for fb do you put your screen name, not you real one? fell at the first fence here.

My xh is reasonably well known, and my name is a bit distinctive. So I am very keen not to have that displayed. he would almost certainly track me down, and read what I was saying.

If I were you, based on what you said above, I'd use my name from here--Beatrice "something"; if you can get away with "Beatrice", just use that. I don't know if it's picky about two names or not. That way you'll be on there and no one will know it's you but for people here.

I'm actually on FB with my real name....you can sleuth out what it is to find me as I've given you my book title above ;-)

If you find me, then I'm connected to a few people from here, such as Brookie--and you can find her on my friends list. Basically you can figure out via people's friend lists how to find people from this board without violating the terms here.

I'm SO looking forward to meeting you this way!!