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Monday was our anniversary. On the drive home I saw two billboards that really gave me comfort. One said "God listens." The other said "Forgive them." Both are SO true for my sitch and life in general and spoke to me at just the right time. On my heart I kept hearing myself say "I'd do it again" in reference to my M with my W. And I would. I hate what has happened but I love this woman with all my being and I'd M her all over again if we pressed rewind. I'd do some things differently but I have no regrets about M her whatsoever. That was really my only acknowledgement of my anniversary. "I'd do it again." Put that up as my status for the day and kept it moving.

I met with the executive of the company I'd been networking with around 10am yesterday. I basically have a standing offer to join their management training program and in talking with the gentleman we both agreed that January would be the best time. My schedule would be more defined for my final semester of grad school and I'd have the opportunity to finish out this semester strong. Yet another blessing pour through from the clouds of darkness I'd been under.

Oddly enough I went and got fitted for my tux for the wedding I'm in next month. Felt strange getting fitted for a tux for a wedding on the day of my 2 year anniversary but oh well. I managed it just fine. I've come down several sizes so it was cool to get my new measurements. I received a lot of comments about my figure this weekend so even as a guy that was pretty cool for me to hear. Boosted the ole ego.

I went home and crashed for a long nap. Then "it" happened.

I wake up from my nap and have a text from my W.

W: Today is hard.

I thought on it and felt I needed to respond. I had a plan to keep it short but I had trouble doing that and let my emotion and love get the best of me.

Me: Tougher than I expected. It was right around this time, almost to the minute, 2 years ago when we said I do. Even though we aren't together physically, I'm still connected o you emotionally and wanted to say Happy Anniversary. ILY W.

2x4 away. I know there is nothing truly "happy" about our anniversary. I don't know where that diarrhea of text came. I showed her some more of the emotional me but at least it was in response to her reaching out and not me. She seemed to receive it well though. This could just be her saying to herself "I still got him" but even though I conveyed those words, its really not in the same fashion as I have in the prior months in that I had no expectation of something being different as a result of my words. I just felt it on my heart and it may go completely against DB'ing but I had to say it for me. It was almost like a stream of consciousness. I can't deny my love for my W and so when she expressed her pain, I felt a need to comfort.

She responded:

W: Happy Anniversary H. Whether you believe it or not ILY too. I never in a million years thought we would be here. I hope I wasn't inappropriate for reaching out to you. If so I'm sorry. Didn't know who else to reach to.

Me: Thank you for reaching out. It wasn't inappropriate at all and I appreciate you doing that. I'm here if you need me. ILY.

W: Likewise H. ILY too.

After reading it back over I kind of laughed and thought of when 25 said her sister or someone hugged their husband in court. That's kind of how I felt afterwards. I was thinking to myself...who just took over my body and typed that stuff? Truthfully though it was from the heart no matter how stupid everyone thinks it may be. I got caught in the moment but I did my best to make sure I didn't push for anything. Initially I wanted to respond with "it doesn't have to be this way" or something along those lines but I knew that wasn't the way to go. I spoke about my own feelings, tried to validate hers and not create an expectation on either end. What I am "here" for I really don't know but I did want to take a step towards reconciling...even if it's just reconciling to us being cordial long term and not letting this sitch make things nasty between us.

About 15 min later she texted again.

W: Jame 1:17

I read it again. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. Still don't know the angle she's coming from on it though. I wanted to ask her but I wasn't sure how or what that would lead to so I resolved to this.

Me: Thanks. Matthew 11:28-30.

I'm sure she looked it up. She spoke of the day being tough initially so I felt that could give her comfort. Those verses say:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

She never responded. I went to class and then got out early and went to a local bar to eat dinner and watch the remainder of the MNF game. Finally went home and watched a little TV before laying down.

Yesterday was tough. I think I GAL'd pretty well this weekend and have plenty on tap this week and this coming weekend. I'm feeling better and better about my GAL'ing and what it is doing for me.

That being said, yesterday's brief interaction with my W via text shows I still have a ways to go. I tried to provide comfort but without pushing discussion of a future that has us together. But to be completely honest, I pray for her and for that future of us every single day and night.

I love my W and there is a huge part of me that feels so convicted to continue to stand for my M and fight behind the shadows. She's in turmoil right now internally. I can see that much. Was it done to make her feel better? I don't really think so. I honestly think she had a tough time and literally couldn't go to OM or anyone else because everyone else would probably think she's crazy for bringing it on herself. I'm not perfect so I didn't feel it was my place to come down on her like a ton of bricks.

She reached out on what was once a joyous day and now was almost one of mourning. I don't feel like I did any damage but probably could've chosen some different words. But in that moment I wasn't DB'ing. I was living my life and communicating with the woman I love. I don't think I pushed her further away. Maybe it is a sign of something. At worst it is worth taking notice of. I WILL NOT get too up or down over it though because I know that it could ultimately mean nothing in the grand scheme of things and that today and future days could be just like all the others. But it was interesting that she did contact me 3 days in a row including our anniversary. That hasn't happened since July.

All the same I have work today and I'm putting on a workshop as well about how to be successful in college for my students.

This evening I'll have class and workout afterwards, catch a little TV and crash. I have a big week ahead of me that'll be capped off by being in my bestfriend's wedding on Saturday. My W won't be there and probably no one that we know will be either but I can't lie...I'm kind of anxious to take some pictures in my tux and post them. LOL.

I'll check back in a bit to receive my 2x4s. I don't mind the pain of them because it helps me grow so I appreciate you ALL! I will also try to catch up on some of your sitches because I've been so busy GAL'ing all weekend I didn't have time to get to a computer. Hope everyone is doing well and thanks for hanging with me on my rollercoaster...even if I'm the one making the ride rough.

My presentation went well. I have to do one more this afternoon and then I have class. Nothing from my W today and I think that's to be expected.

MTS,
You absolutely killed it this weekend on the GAL'ing!! Way to go!! Sounds exciting!

No lumber swinging from me. I would say if anything in the interaction with your W, you backslid a bit. However, ALL of us backslide from time to time. I didn't really see any begging or pleading. You controlled the pursuing. No need to follow up with her, though. Then I'll have to go to Home Depot and rent one of those trucks and fill it with 2x4s.

I think God has a plan for both of you, but it's probably a different plan for each of you. Use the silence to hear His plan.

I agree with JB, you're becoming a GAL king. I'm totally jealous. Keep inspiring the masses! And glad to hear that your W is still harboring love of some degree. I have a feeling that someday she'll be back for you. She's in a dark place, and she just has to find her own way out.

As for the 2x4's...I did think you outpoured a bit too much, yes, but you did handle yourself very well. You didn't pressure her or indicate that you would be eternally crushed without her, which is good.

great GAL work...and generally a super PMA that is yielding results.

as for the outreach

....why oh why

You say she reached out first but we know your FB status was your way of contacting her... and it worked.

SIGH

At least she sent you something nice mostly

and...then she withdrew and you have to start again.

The good news is her anger was at least temporarily suspended, and there are bittersweet feelings, which include SWEET feelings...like some loving memories...

along with other stuff...(to be worked out on her end, with TIME)

Could you have said so much more about how you are moving forward and giving her something to miss by not contacting her?

The mutual friend telling you what she said, suggests that may be so
but now we'll never know.

Oh well, could be lots worse.

So, back to your GAL and how that is going - which is great! YOU are wildly GAL out of that town!

Good for you. Way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and way to enlarge it!

((( )))

Thanks jb. You won't have to go to Home Depot. I won't be following up. And I KNOW God definitely has a plan for us both. Doing my best to walk towards whatever that plan is.

Thanks west. I need to catch up on your sitch today. It seems like she is still feeling something...even if for only a day...it shows that something of my old W is still there and not this new creature that has taken over her.

Thanks for the sound advice as always 25. I thought about the first question and I guess in some ways I could. On the other hand, I did weigh the balance of remaining dark and in that instance it felt like had I not responded that would have been more of me running/hiding than it really was me staying dark to protect me.

The one thing I slipped in to was checking her twitter timeline on Monday night and I could tell she was still all over the place. In the few tweets I saw she was subliminally lashing out at other people, guys and girls alike, and it seemed to represent that in many ways she's finding out the grass isn't greener necessarily. It's like she knows she isn't where she wants to be and to some extent probably even knows she needs to be with me so we can both grow together but she's still in her own great level of discomfort fighting it. All the same, I'm doing my best to remain even keeled and keep my expectations low.

So you're right. Back to my GAL'ing it is.It's the only thing that keeps my sanity.