Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Volume II

Well, it's a mix...

Talked to W yesterday about information I needed to complete the Marital Property Agreement. We also were trying to agree on a day and time to see the mediator. W then told me she needed to make a dr.'s appointment next week for a serious condition that was occurring - let's say it involved certain internal organs and leave it at that. I expressed my concern and asked her to please keep me informed.

She then asked me to delay the D proceedings - again - because she was not in a place to deal with that. I agreed, feeling that there is no real rush. But I pointed out that she was the one who wanted to speed up the process. Yes, she said, and she still intends to go through with it...just not now. She also said she thought she had already done too much damage to ever be able to return to me, her son or my kids.

This on-again, off-again stuff is really wearing on me. I've been thinking back about these last seven months and wondering if I should have taken a more hard-line approach to her EA when I found out about it...did my "I'll let it run its course" approach drive her away faster? Because she is now living with the OM, even though she still protests her innocence about the whole living arrangement. Perhaps I should have said, "It's him or me...not both."

But that's all history. I feel like I want to move ahead...but I don't. Will proceeding with the D do more harm than good? And at this point, why would I care? She has indicated on more than one occasion she is done; why would I want to be with someone who clearly does not want to be with me?

I should have been a Trappist monk.

First and foremost I hope whatever your w is dealing with isn't serious and that she will be ok.

I hear you about the on again/off again see saw.
So let me ask you? What are the pros and cons of waiting? Of moving forward?

DG, I hope it isn't, too. Thanks for your concern.

Pros of waiting: it gives us time. Now, does that change anything? I still feel enormously betrayed and rejected, and I have no desire to reconcile with the person she has become. But I wouldn't hesitate for a second to take back the woman I married, and that's the thing of it...will our WAS's ever turn back into the ones we fell in love with?

Cons of waiting: just delays the inevitable. I want to move on with life, with or without her. I also want to get the messy, technical part of the D proceedings behind me.

So...I retain the role of kind, sympathetic man - or pathetic man, depending on your point of view - and wait.

Probably not. I think you've mentioned it before - you thought you did a lot of the wrong things, including some snooping. You suspected these things may have contributed to pushing her away faster. I think you may be more on the money with these suspicions. If you had taken a hard line approach to the EA, would it have made a difference? Hard to say, but there's a good chance it would have driven her away faster. The end result may still be the same regardless. Anyhow, it looks like I took the bait - there's not much point in over analyzing the past. You did what you did.

I'll still say take your time with the D until you can issue a 300% written guarantee that you're done. From what I'm seeing, your W can't write that guarantee. Frankly, right now I think she's writing checks her butt can't cover. You're getting comments and actions from her that are coming out of the WAS fog.

What is your point of view?

I also hope the medical thing isn't serious with your W. You never know, it may be stress induced.

I hope your W will be ok and it is nothing serious. She sounds totally conflicted to me. One day rushing the D the next day slowing it down. I think you should avoid rushing into the D right now. Really what is it going to change? You are not going to wake up with your D papers and rush out and staring looking for Mrs. Right are you? I don't think having a paper is going to magically make everthing ok.

You are nothing close to being a pathetic man. You are kind and warm and have always been a great shoulder for me to lean on.

TM,

Dropping by to let you know I've sent up some prayers for your wife and hope all turns out to be okay with her health. I can only imagine the weight of that worry on top of the already stressful situation for you and your loved ones right now.

I am not surprised she asked for a delay in divorce proceedings. My advice is to take things day by day for as long as that works for you. Only you will know when the right time is to move forward, one way or another.

Take care, and have a blessed weekend, lc4

TM,
My thoughts are with your wife.

She may be using another stall tactic, however if she is experiencing a serious health condition, it very well could be that dealing with D AND her health would be too much right now.

That would make sense to me.


Also - what are you doing to GAL lately? Is there anything you can do to take your mind off of this for a bit?

Thanks, all. I am concerned about her for a number of reasons; obviously for this condition she is getting checked out, but also for her general well-being...she has been working three jobs to support her new living arrangement, and she is trying to balance that with her responsibility to SS22. She has not mentioned anything about her other two housemates; I don't ask.

Last night I had dinner with my friend who was my best man at our wedding. He was supportive and understood my pain but advised me to slow down and wait on the D. He has known W and me since we first met, and he, like all of you, asked me if hurrying to file would change anything. He thinks it will not be a very long time until her world implodes and she realizes what a mistake she made.

So I have decided to do nothing for now about the D; no marital asset agreement, no filing, no meetings...nothing. My previous rush to file and move on was a reaction, not action. I felt disrespected by her poor choices, weak for tolerating her EA as long as I did and needy for showing my emotions too often. My need to file was an "I'll just show you" tactic.

I have been filling my free time with family, friends, music, exercise, working on the house and reading. It all helps to keep my mind and body occupied. I resist the temptation to contact her at all; that's very difficult at times. And I've learned to throw the big red STOP sign up if my mind starts to drift to her and the OM.

You are right, jb...it is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm not thinking about the finish line.

Hey how are you?? Haven't seen you around in a bit just wanted you to know I am thinking about you.