Is there anything I can do to stop my wife making the biggest mistake of her life in regard to our kids!!!
If she wants to divorce me fine, but don't move the kids away from school in anger at me!! The affect this will have on their lives and future could be devastating, and I don't want to be able to say "I told you so", when she realises what she has done, it's too late them, their place in the school will be lost, and the emotional upset to the kids is not fair to them.
She told me last night that I was trying to "wear her down", by getting a lawyer and being firm on certain things, she is playing the victim very well, unfortunatley nobody is falling for it anymore, we are all sick of hearing how bad she has had it, etc,, she needs to look at her own actions in this and then she might understand some of my actions.
Forget about me and her, we look like we are through, but why is she so blinded about the kids welfare??????
She is a great mother who always put her kids first, but she cannot see the affect she is having on their future.
Well, if need be, why not try to get full custody yourself? This way they won't have to be up rooted from their home and school.
Just like you had to hit bottom for you to see the harm your actions (drinking, neglect) were causing her, she will have to hit bottom before she can begin to think clearly. she is acting like a child who throws herself on the ground, kicking her feet on the floor, wanting what she wants NOW!!! She has to go through it. I have seen it before many times here. The perfect life she thought she would find by leaving you has not materialized.
Right now, she hasn't made any moves towards moving them, has she? So, DC, relax and just continue what you were working on. Allowing her to see the changes in you is still the best way. there is nothing you can say to her right now to change her mind. Her telling you that you are trying to wear her down, being firm, etc, shows she is taking notice of you and how you are becoming stronger.
This will have to run its course. DC, really try not to panic. Things can be worked out to protect your children. When I first found out about my H, he told me he didn't care about anyone or their feelings, including our S, he only cared about doing something for him. Now, here we are, working on our M.
Just carry on, DC, enjoy time with your kids if you have them tonight.
I guess your right VC, this is a journey she has to take on her own.
I think after the last few weeks I'm switched off now to her.
I got the kids last night, she was outside when I got them, had a face like thunder and didn't acknowledge me!! HA HA how childish!!
I got the kids and went to the hairdressers, cuts for me and son, and got my little girls hair washed and blow dried!, she looked great and loved the attention.
We then went shopping for my son some clothes, trainers, etc, he was really pleased and we had a great time.
Then out for dinner, it was a warm evening, so we sat outside and watched my daughter on the play area, it was great.
I was sat there with my kids, having a great time, thinking how sad that their mother doesn't want to be part of this?? I don't get that at all??
Then we went to mine and watched a movie, it was a great night!! Wife called the kids to see how they were, they were excited telling her what we had done, and been too, again what must she be thinking??, personally I would be devastated missing out on times like that??? I would want to be part of it!!!
So this morning, son to football and shopping with my daughter I have a tattoo of my wifes name on my wedding ring finger, she asked for me to get it done a few years ago, you couldn't see it under my wedding ring, but we knew it was there. It was always really special to her and she used to love looking at it when we laid together.
I walked past a tattoo parlour that did removals, so I had laser treatment to get it done!!!!!
Theres a 180 for her!!!!
My daughter laughed as I got it done, so my wife will know soon enough!!!!
Thats me checked out I think, I cannot change her mind and its time to move on.
Wow!, DC, that's kind of a shocking 180 or something to walk past the shop and get the tattoo removal done. Your W will certainly know about that soon enough. Sometimes we tell them we will move on, which can sometimes make them think, but what you did is really showing her you are ready to move on if need be. Who knows what effect it will have on Miss Thunderface. She seems to look like that a lot lately, doesn't she? I guess the single life ain't all it's cracked up to be. My H had a thunderface, too, which thankfully I don't have to see any more, since he has come out of the MLC tunnel and rejoined the humans.
I love how you are taking so much time to really get involved in your children's lives. I think they are enjoying getting to really know their daddy.
You know, your W may miss being together as a family, but what she is going through just won't let her admit it, not even to herself.
You really sound very upbeat and positive, good for you. How are your meetings going?
What part of the UK are you in? I like to go onto google earth to look at different parts of the world. I looked at Ireland, very pretty country, and England, which has similar terrain in parts to Alabama.
Hi vc, I'm in the north Yorkshire area, it's nice with moors and the east coast close by, it's cold most of the time though!!!
What is the point of having a tattoo of my wife's name on my wedding finger is she wants a divorce? None I say, but your right it shows I've moved on, or at least trying!!
I went out with some friends last night, and 1 guy has been divorced for over 20 Yeats from his 1st wife and is now remarried with kids, and he spoke alot of sense to me, and said things straight from the books really!
He said that as long as I was ok, everything else will follow, if she doesnt want you, there's nothing you can do, just let it go and move on, it's hard yes, but you have to move on for your own good I'm now at that place I think?
He told me to think about me more, what makes me happy, he said dont get angry with om, just let it go, she wants him not me, so why let it get to me, it's her loss, and move on!! It really hit me, he was so right!!
But he also said that I will always love her, always
He bumped into his ex-wife a while ago, and they got talking, they both admitted they should have worked it out somehow, and although both had remarried, they both loved each other still, but you have to move on, it's so sad
It is so sad, but it's time for me to move on
While we were out a saw loads of old friends, and they all commented on how good I looked, weight loss, etc I said thanks, but inside I'm still dying for my wife!!!!
I got a fair amount of female attention, very flattering,and good for confidence, should I date? I dont know? Maybe I should try it? Not sure??
My meetings and my drinking are going good, I feel great, although I do regret not understanding my problems earlier? But that's god's wishes?? Not sure how this benefits my kids at the moment, buy the must be a reason??
Not being with the kids is the hardest, I might have been selfish and drinking too much, but I miss them, I miss the back ground noise? If that makes sense??
So I move on, hold my head high, and try and be positive about everything
Do you really think you are at the point of moving on? You know, what is happening could take awhile. I would hate for you to give up when there is hope. But, of course, only you can decide that. Don't allow anyone else to influence what is such an important decision.
Hi vc, yes I do think it's time I moved on even though I love her with all my heart
I had a 3hr conversation today with my wife on the phone, we talked about the past, the hurt she had and the loneliness, the loneliness was the marriage killer
We spoke a out finances for the divorce etc, we will get that sorted in the next few weeks
She spoke about om, basically he is the bandaid for the hurt, it's all " he's a good friend", " we get on really well" etc I just understood why she went the way she did, but I did highlight he was wrong for being in touch while she was married, she said nothing, so she understands
I just said asked how the hell did we get here, she just said that I had worn her down, and I don't understand how hurt she was watching the man she loved isolate her and slowly drink himself to death, and that she can't go back to that,again I understood, but highlighted I was 2 months sober, she accepted that, but said how does she and I know that I won't go back to how I was,again I just understood how she felt but promised to never drink again
We spoke about us, the hurt, I told her how much I missed her, that I was ok, and I'll be fine, but I missed her I told her that at the moment it was no use talking about us as she had a big wall up, that at the moment she didn't like me, but she knew she loved me still, again no answer
We spoke about the kids, I said we need to at least try for them, she said that she understood what I meant, but cannot have her life dictated to by her kids??? This does not sound like her, and sounds like someone else's thoughts??
She ended with she doesn't want to fight anymore and hope we can sort the house and finances out quickly as possible I said we can agree on most things, but I cannot accept another man living in our home while I'm paying for it, she said that she will never live with someone, or remarry again, she was happy living with the kids, and just spending time with someone separately? Not sure she can say that truthfully, but it sounded nice!!
So I do think it's time to move on I love her, I've told her how I feel, we laughed at each , but I think I need to look after me a bit more I have to, have to move on
She sounds happy, and content
I asked her is it hard missing out on the fun I'm having with the kids, she said at times yes, but she also enjoyed having her own space, which is something we both never really had when together, how do I compete with that??
So sad, but I've had some closure from her today
I'll always love her, but I have to accept it's over
Keep trying to be positive about the future, and I am, but also a huge lump of sadness is still in by stomach that won't go away.
I get to work and decide that I won't do my usual text to my wife to check on the kids, they will be fine, I know that, I need to chill out a little and try not to think about things too much.
All going well then, 8.30 wife calls, I have to answer as I think something may have happened?
But no, its to tell me that she has taken some pictures of our daughter dressed up for a nations day at school, that she was in a mad mood and didn't want to go to school, and that our son was tired this morning and was slow getting ready??
It was all light hearted and in humour, it was nice and I thanked her for calling me and letting me know, BUT WHY!!!!!!
After yesterday's conversation, she made it clear that she was done, she didn't like me, wanted to remain friendly, but that was it.
It hurt, but I got it, it's not about OM, although he's there, it's her, she has had enough of me, she like having time to herself, she like living alone with our kids, and any OM will just be a part of her new life, not her life as previous.
Fine I get it, so I mentally prepare myself to avoid all contact as possible, not even 12 hours later a call?? She even called me again last night over something trivial when I think about it!!!!
I know these are nothing calls, and maybe I read too much into it, but why call??? I don't want to say to her not to call me, as that is silly with 2 kids involved, but if she is so happy and moved on, why does she feel the need to call me?? Last week when she was angry, she wouldn't answer her phone to me, and didn't answer my texts about the kids?? WTF
I still think she is totally confused and trying to kid herself into what she wants.
She even said in the call, she will come to mine later and drop somethings off for the kids!!!
So I feel I'm back on the rollercoaster again, I cannot help it but contact hurts me, it makes me see what I want and I'm missing, but I cannot have it, its like a form of torture at times.
Does she know she is doing it? Is she torturing herself by doing it, to try and convince herself?
This is so f***** up!!!!
It is a massive rollercoaster of ups and downs, I keep getting off, then just as I get my breath I'm dragged on again!!
I know I'll hurt again tonight when I see her or she calls.
He's gone back away to work, and she wants to be friends again, "I'll stop by your place", " Daughter and son did this and that", all laughs, all nice.
I don't want to say stop calling me, but I don't know what to do right now?
I don't think she know what she wants either, at the minute she wants it all!!!! and is getting it, a family, a lovely home, her freedom, her "husband" at the end of the phone to talk to, and OM when he's in town to have some fun with!!!
No wonder she is so happy!!!! But even that is fake I think, when I see her she looks tired, her eyes don't sparkle like they use to, so I'm not convinced.
I don't know if she feels like things have gotten so far down the line that she can't stop it, and cannot come back to me.
I would do anything to save my marriage, so I have to be friendly and not show any anger
So you're only 2 months sober and you're still expecting her to take your changes at face value. Try 2 years sober and have that same conversation.
Alot of that conversation was still centered around you and how you can't see why she can't work on it, etc. Alot of it was your assumptions. She's afraid. Plain and simple. Then when you go and keep acting selfish and taking care of your pain and needs, it shows you hadn't learned anything. Even with the kids. It was a chance for you to rebuild a good R. Instead you only cared about how much it hurt you. Your W didn't hurt you on purpose. You took it that way. She was still trying to reach out to you and you acted like how you were when you were drunk. Thinking about yourself.
Did you even think how hard it might have been on her to send you those pictures? And that she actually thought enough of you to send you nice pictures? Some spouses on here run off with the kids and don't speak to their LBS EVER.
And all that talk about the OM. Is he a band-aid? Sure he is. But if you're the one that's been causing the hurt, don't you think you need to keep working on that first so that she doesn't need the band-aid?
"But even that is fake I think, when I see her she looks tired, her eyes don't sparkle like they use to, so I'm not convinced."
Again all assumptions. Who cares if you're not convinced? She wants to convince herself. That's all that matters. What have you been doing to show her (not tell her) that she's safe with you? That you can be everything the OM is and more?
A couple of months sober just doesn't cut it. Actions do. And you getting your tattoo removed was pretty childish. If you want to stay in the M, why do that? If you keep telling her that the two of you can work things out, won't removing the tattoo show her that it's over? Mixed messages don't save M. Consistent actions do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I totally accept exactly where you are coming from and like your bluntness, you pull no punches and say it as you see it, and I respect that.
But as of now I am only 2 months sober, when I'm 2 years sober I'll tell her that then, I can only speak of the now.
She is aware that i'm sober, and I wasn't using it as a reason to rush back together, I was just saying that I was trying to change, not that I was "mended"
Maybe it all sounded about me, but that might be down to how I have written it, it was a very open and frank conversation, were we both spoke openly about what happened and the now, it was not all me, me, me, yes I said I wanted to save my marriage, but other than that it was about us.
The getting the tattoo removed was for me, I am trying to move on with my life, what do I do?, get divorced and walk round with my wedding ring on because I want to stay married.
Although it hurts I do have to accept that this is what she wants, I cannot change that, so I'm trying to move on with my life.
At the moment my thoughts are only about me and my kids, they are the only things I have any control over.
I cannot control how my wife thinks or what she does, I can only do that for me, so if things come across as selfish, that's because "this" is about me, this forum is not for her, its for me, so this is where I put my feelings and thoughts down.
So I apologise if my comments were mis-guided or not explained clearly for you to understand.
I am just very hurt, I feel at times we are so close, then she gone again.
I have to be friendly and consistant, but she is also very inconsistant, and I'm sorry, I'm only human and sometimes I react to certain things.
The relationship with my kids is outstanding, we are so very close, my daughter has even asked that we go for a photography session together, just the 3 of us!! That is a great change in relationship, and also 1 my wife has commented on, so I'm getting something right at least!!!
What further actions do you think I should try and impliment with my wife?
