Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

Oh Tad, why are you apologizing? You didnt do anything.

Please do not get in the middle of the relationship between your sons and your wife. They need to forge it on their own.

Show her something different, Tad.

Show her the strong, confident man who is moving forward in his life.

And I'm sorry,but, why do you feel sorry for her? Her choices.

Tad, she needs to walk this path. You need to let her.

Get out of her way.

And continue on your path.

You know they are quite right, Ol' bean.

You getting in between her relationship with the kids is going to be catastrophic for you. No question. It won't end well at all.

She made her choices. She has her consequences to deal with. She will deal with them else she won't finish with her journey. Would you really want to rob her of that experience? The highs and lows of her choices?

As for your fear, stop. Stop fearing those things Tad. You CANNOT know that those things will happen. All you can know is that your W left. That she is angry and blames you. That she blames you, is angry and wants to be friends. That she lives in a blender of emotions and thoughts might be more accurate

You can't do anything about it except accept it. And stand clear. She'll figure things out with the kids when she AND the kids are ready to do it. That's their mother. They will find a way to mend the bridge.

Stay out of it though.

AJ

Thanks all. You are all very right. 25, you said:



Absolutely. I never even thought of it this way. I see what you and others are saying though.

Now......the update:

A few days ago, Beatrice posted on my thread:



Beatrice, you couldn't have been more right. You actually predicted the future. Now, I feel like such a fool.

Early this morning, W leaves me a voicemail telling me that she would call me at 9:00 tonight because she wanted to talk about something. She called at 6:30. I guess from the MLC timezone?

She asked if I had filled out my pre-trial statement. I told her that I did and she got very upset. Accused me of not reminding her of the deadline. I told her that she was the one that wanted the divorce and it wasn't my responsibility to remind her of things. Sh!t hit the fan. She yells so loud.

Told me that:

I lie all the time.

She was dumb for ever loving me.

She was foolish and stupid for ever trusting me.

I'm a terrible human being.

It was all my fault for not renewing our vows.

She hasn't been happy since 2005. (But also said she has been unhappy for 15 years.)

Basically blamed me for EVERYTHING.

Said how can she give me a chance when I keep pulling sh!t. (Huh? She has already told me that there isn't a chance in Hell.)

She was unhappy when we bought our house in 2002. (We closed on her birthday.)

It was terrible. Beatrice you called it! Now, of course, stupid me is in the dumps again. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. It's been nearly a year since the bomb and she still hurts me so bad. I know I shouldn't let her, but she does.

I sometimes wonder why I even want her back.

I feel like such a fool.

Tad

You probably won't be fooled again, though, will you? I think one thing you should take from this is that Beatrice isn't a clairvoyant mind-reader or psychic. But she's a person who knows the patterns of MLC. And she warned you, and exactly what she said would happen did. So guess what? You should NEVER AGAIN DOUBT that your wife is hugely in MLC. That's one thing you can at least take from this.

This is probably the most non-sensical rant she has ever delivered in that it really has absolutely nothing to do with the thing that seems to have "triggered" it. It makes me think that she's not really all "there" when you talk to her, that she just hears you go "blah blah blah" for so many words in and then she just loses it.

Again, though, what do you learn from this? She is unreachable in this state. You have got to detach from her drama.

Oh I forgot to add: You have often asked yourself why you even want her back.

This is why: Number one, because you are addicted to her and codependent, and you feel that you need her to be happy. You haven't yet learned that you can still be happy or at least content without her.

Number two, because you haven't developed a high enough sense of self-worth or self-esteem to realize that you deserve better.

The only way you're going to conquer number one and two is GALing. The more that you take part in experiences that do not involve her where you find peace and empowerment, the less you will need her. But right now, you need her even if she is beating you up emotionally because you are lacking in the two things above. I only say all of that because it was EXACTLY what I went through and I think most people here did too.

Thanks Antonia. What a fool I am.



Yep.

It is starting today already too.

My alarm went of at 6:00 this morning.

By, 6:12 I had already received a six-page text telling me how happy she will be on the 14th and how she is so looking forward to getting me behind her.

She writes:

"Only 17 more days! "

Tad

THe time zone statement made me laugh. Thanks. I needed that. But, so sorry you are going through all of this.

Tad? Why are you in the dumps amigo? Weren't you, just the other day, saying you wanted her to display the mlc characteristics? Or at least act batty?

You got what you wanted in this case. She is demonstrating her emotional instability and inability to shoulder her own responsibility. In some ways, aren't you doing the same?

Think about it for a second Tad. Not too long, because it really doesn't take that much thought in this case.

She is about to do something she "knows" you don't deserve (somewhere deep inside). She was on the other end of being married for the same amount of time.

Wouldn't you expect that would have an effect on her? I would. She feels like she has to do this to "be happy" whatever that really means. Just because she is likely incorrect, won't stop her from believing it.

To find her bolstering herself by blaming you seems in perfect character.

Wouldn't you?

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

My suggestion? 1) Stop wishing for things you don't want 2) See the craziness of it. The emotional blender that is spewing garbage all over you 3) Embrace it for 5 minutes and then put it in the toilet where it belongs.

It is a point in time Tad. It is not the definitive moment at that. It was expected and it is going to happen again. It'll get worse as you distance yourself. It'll get worse before it gets better. It won't start getting better until you distance more and more.

AJ

What do you think her reaction would have been if you didn't fill it out?

OMG Drew, that is so right! I bet if he hadn't filled it out, she'd have done the same, told him he was trying to stop her from what she wanted, blah blah blah.

See Tad? It makes no difference what you do in her eyes.

Ok let me give you a different way to look at the statement "I'm such a fool" or "I've been so foolish."

There is a victim mentality in that statement. It sort of indicates a closing down, a woe is me attitude. The more you are a victim, the more you are codependent and "need" her to keep you from feeling victimized.

So turn it around.

Tell yourself that yesterday is past. You have carried a ton of hope around that SHE would get herself together, and that hope in HER has made you act foolishly. But today, no more. You are going to visualize that hope is this sort of bubble that encompasses a person, and you are going to lift that bubble from around her crazy, MLC insanity and rage, and you are going to gently place that bubble of hope around YOU.

By placing all the hope around YOU, what are you hoping for? That you can accept her decision--no matter how wrong or crazy it is--with dignity and grace. And you're going to hope that YOU will grow and learn to be a better man and a good role model for your sons and that some day, when she comes out of her fog, maybe she will see you for who you are and not a projection of her own problems. You're also going to hope that if she never is able to do that, that you'll be able to take the years that were good with her as blessings and with your growth, perhaps you will choose someone else FAR down the road and have a second very meaningful relationship.

I'm not PUSHING at all another relationship. I'm saying that if things can never be made right with her, because of HER choices, that it's not the end of the road for you.

So like I said, take these feelings that make you want to crawl into a hole and be sad and turn them around to feelings of empowerment. This is a choice that is in YOUR hands, not hers. You have given her so much power over you as we all do and you have to come to a point where you take that power back for yourself.

This whole thing has been a very important lesson for you, so use it wisely.