Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

I guess I will go the PI route then......I just can't imagine it with her, it's just not her, but who knows, she is not the W i once knew.

If there is an OM, then that's it for me....I will not be trying to reconcile, I will take a very hard line with the D process and lawyers.

Damn, just looked at PIs and they're expensive!

She says she cries as it's sad, she is sad for what we once had and the potential. Is the first time I have seen her cry in a while......previously she has been so set in her way.
She makes me feel like I was the worst H, and she couldn't handle it anymore, as I was always unhappy and she constantly had to worry about making me happy, which is rubbish. She says I couldn't handle change, so if we were to have a baby then it would be too much for me......I was unhappy, but none of the rest of this is true.

Anyone can have an affair given the right conditions

Don't let that be a deciding factor until you know for sure.

She obviously still cares for you. And we don't know what is going on in her head.

Maybe she is looking for that Cam she fell in love with, someone to be strong for her since she is obviously not.


Stay the path

Ive been going over and over this in my head for a long time, and yeah I may be a fool, but I find it hard to believe she is seeing someone. The reasons why I think this:

She is a very emotional person, she cries all the time, so yesterday was nothing new.
She is messed up, I just think she wants to be alone to find herself again
She cares for me and we get on well as we always have, we are the best and closest of friends.
I pushed her away, I caused a lot of this. Heck, once I even threw my wedding ring at her a couple of years ago after an argument about something I can't even remember when we were drunk, saying I didnt want to be married.
She left because she wants kids and doesn't think it is right to do that with me in the R we had, plus if things went wrong again she would be trapped in Australia.
As my title says, she no longer loves me as she once did, she sees me as a friend, which I dont want.
She likes to be on her own, and is content with what she's doing and the life she is giving up.

Now they probably don't sound like reasons, but I know this person better than anyone, and it's not in her nature. Yep, I never thought she would leave me, but in reflection on how I was and how uneven I made the marriage, I don't blame her. I can see and acknowledge everything I did wrong, so if I was treated like that then I would leave too.
It's how she copes with everything in her life that goes bad - she runs away and it works for her as it has in the past.
Yep I am probably an idiot and who knows, she could be, but I know for sure there was no one from feb to April, whether there is now, who knows. If there is, it would only be recent.
She is a very good looking woman, and would have a lot of guys hitting on her, no doubt.
As for the tears yesterday, I think they were because she had to tell me the next step, splitting assets. Also once I mentioned I was getting myself back to the cam she met in Portugal, she immediately said that's the cam she fell in love with and started crying more.
It was quite final yesterday too. She knows and can see the work Ive been doing, even though on this forum it comes across like I'm not getting anywhere, I feel I am. I use this place at times to vent, sulk and get advice.

Who knows?? I may be the biggest fool here.
I really don't want to know anyway.

You are not a fool.

You are human.

It's always 50-50 man in any R.

Look I know you think there was no one else. But we can never be 100%. And really it doesn't matter.

My WW when we had a false recovery. Hid it well. Very well. There are ways to hide it.

All I am saying is don't give up even when it looks very very dark.

Thanks Finah, I appreciate your thoughts and comments.
However, please enough with the OM talk.....I don't know and in a way I don't want to know.....it hurts to imagine it and it would be the complete end to any of my reconciliation efforts.
When I am ready I will find out by either sitting down with her and confronting her - there are ways I can get things out of her (and no, not torture) or I will pay for a PI.
Yesterday was strange to me, as I didn't expect so many tears from her given she previously has been so cold and hard about this. I am still trying to digest everything that went down.

Cam,

Perhaps the change in temperature from your W has more to do with you than you realize. Did you show her a different cam?

re: OM. I dont think anyone expects their w would do that.

Cam,

Do you notice that your interactions start out ok then end tense, with her crying and saying that she's done? Then the next time, they start off well again...then back to the crying, etc. I just get the gut feeling that you should limit these interactions. Say you have to be somewhere and would love to talk for a little while but leave before it gets to the crying. She gets upset and you pursue. Seems like the start of these conversations is your chance to surprise her with your changes and keep things pleasant. How would she react if you said oh, no thanks, no wine for me, I'm in training? or, I really want to know how you are doing but I need to leave by X to go volunteer at the boys center? or I'm watching a friend's kid for little while? (she wants kids right, and is watching to see if you'd be a good dad maybe?) I mean, it should all be true, of course - could be part of your GAL. She sort of did this to you when she showed up in her hot yogi clothes, right? And left you thinking.

Maybe set a limit - three good, positive, light interactions before you let her do the crying thing. Be kind, just have somewhere else you need to be, and tell her....I really want to listen to you and hear you out, but I have to go now. When can we meet up next? or you could come along....(because it's hard to cry out an OR talk in public, in front of people you don't know)

....sorry you're going through this....just trying to give you some ideas....

AC....I don't know if I would call it a change in temperature, heck I don't even know what a change in temperature looks like. I feel she cried as she knows i still want our M and she has moved on and can never go back.
I was different at the start.....she was asking about my new role at work, I was positive upbeat, telling her things that I know she would feel sad about as she would be doing them with me normally. For example, my new role gives me a lot of benefits and experiences, ie a small exclusive concert with jack Johnson, her favorite musician which I attended and told her I took a friend. Also next weekend is the superbowl of australian football which I go to each year with her, so I told her I was taking another friend.
I was different, but then when she started crying it went downhill and I 'chased' her to reconsider and look at the great things about us. I didnt know what else to do, she gets emotional and it made me sad so I talk R as well. All wrong.

Still Learning.....they are very good points and observations. I don't expect there will be too many more interactions from now though. The next is for her to clean her things from our house, which I can't handle, and then split assets as she says.
I won't be encouraging another interaction, she doesnt want it. Her way of dealing with things is to hide, block it out and move forward. She even said on Saturday that she still has her 'wall' up protecting her, which I don't think will come down. In her mind it is probably on countdown mode to divorce - 5 mths to go.
They are some good ideas and I will definitely try them next time - if there is a next time. Thank you.

Cam,

Just a thought - you might want to check out a book called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Or, for the more up to date discussion, "Flourish" by the same author.

It may help you reframe some of your thinking and conceive of new possibilities.

Thanks AC...I have heard of him and last year read his book 'what you can change and what you can't'. I'm hopeless at reading those sort of books, so I need to focus more.

My W always says one of her main reasons why this happened is because she got 'scared' - I just can't stop thinking about this and how she can ever not be 'scared'. She is scared about the future with me, scared of having kids, scared I wouldn't change, scared that if things have gone bad this early in a M then its not a good sign, scared that she will be trapped in Australia if we had kids and it went bad. She got scared that I was so unhappy and not coping with change and work that she couldn't handle it and put a wall up, fell out of love with me and left, as it was easier to do this than support me.
Its just so frustrating as none of this ever needed to happen if she has just hung around and worked on our M together.
Now all she sees is negatives and says our R was 'always a struggle' - yeah we had our ups and downs, but who doesn't - that's life! I feel she has such an unrealistic expectation of R and M that she will never be happy.