Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Porn and women from the internet sex sites HELP!!

hope you had a decent weekend.

((( )))

Hi LisaLost,

Your situation is TOUGH! 6 kids, 3 PA's, you thought it was all good, and now you're seeing backsliding, my heart goes out to you. As bad as this reads, I have to assume there has been a lot of good in your M as well -- in order for you to want to have 6 kids together, there has to be a lot of good there too right?

As a man, your H's sexual appetites seem fairly extreme to me -- reaching out to swingers, 3 PA's to do things "he would not disrepect you with", watching porn as a requirement when you ML -- there's a lot going on there.

I think all men have sexual fantasies, but there is certainly a line there you do not cross when you're invested in a marriage. At one point your H made the decision that pursuing the fantasy was more important than the M, stepped over the line, and now he seems to be okay with doing so again. Based on your posts, it sounds like maybe he's not willing to do a PA again, but he's definitely pushing the boundaries of what would be considered to be faithful by exchanging bikini pictures with a swinger!

Pat Love has a checklist on her website (downloads section) to help you define what's "over the line" from the perspective of marriage -- it may be worth reviewing and discussing that list with your H to try to gain some agreement on what is OK and what is not. It's important that you be in agreement on where that line is drawn, and right now it sounds like the line is what he defines it to be, versus what you agree upon. For me, e-mailing with a woman about her appearance and how much you appreciate it would be cheating. The simplest definition I've heard is that if you are saying or doing things you wouldn't want your spouse to hear / see / read, then you're over the line already.

It also seems to me that your H's sexual needs are not being met -- and there's a good chance that his "needs" are so extreme that you're not going to want to meet them. That's probably a discussion you need to have with him, uncomfortable though it may be. The "I got to do things with them I would not disrespect you with" statement is very revealing. He obviously has an agenda with items on it he doesn't even think are worth bringing to your attention because he feels there is no way you'll engage. I think if you have the discussion with him "tell me what an ideal married sex life looks like to you", you'll at least know where you stand and what he's thinking. Then, you can decide what to do about it (which may be to leave).

One thing I can share from a male perspective is the concept brought up in "The 5 Love Languages" which you MUST read (per 25yearsmlc). The author discusses the concept of a "love tank". There are things our spouses do to fill up our love tank, and we each have our own "love language" that we require to have it filled. i.e. for some, "works of affirmation" make us feel loved, for others it's "acts of service", for others, it's gifts, etc. Our natural inclination is to love our spouse the way we choose to be loved. If that's not what your spouse "needs" however, you'll both be frustrated as you are giving, but you're not giving in the way he values.

According to the book, if our spouse is making us feel loved in the way we need it, and our "love tank" is full, then we walk around happy and satisfied, and really immune to affairs, as there's nothing we're missing and we wouldn't want to disrupt this steady supply of love we're receiving.

NOT mentioned in the book is the fact that I think some people also have a "sex tank", which is to say that they need a certain frequency / intensity / experience etc. If the sex tank stays full, once again we're not walking around with unmet needs. If it's low or empty, however, we'll get increasingly desparate about having it filled, and this will influence our actions. MAYBE increasing frequency, or changing intensity / approach will help to fill this tank, and stop your H's wanderings, maybe not, but being able to fill the tank relies upon you first understanding HOW he needs it to be filled and what exactly he's looking for.

I guess my last thought is that constant porn during ML just doesn't seem at all acceptable unless you were both really into it. To your point, occasionally may be OK, but not every time. That would make me feel very badly and devalued, and this experience is supposed to be about both of you!

Just a few thoughts

Accuray

Thanks you so much for your thoughtfu l reply. That gives me a lot to digest and research.This is going to take some time and not be an overnight choice and I am appreciating the different/same POVs I am getting. There are lots of things I could do better but then again my "love tank" is empty I think. But if I try to fill his then maybe it will be reciprocal??? I will post more after I do some more research and thinking. just in case someone else out there is going through something similar

Yes, that is a consistent theme of many relationship books you'll read including DB & DR: change your marriage by changing yourself. This is to say that if you approach your spouse in a loving, positive way, eventually that will be returned, because it's hard to be mean to someone who is consistently nice to you.

Add to that "The 5 Love Languages" and learn that not only do you have to approach your spouse in a loving, positive way, you need to do it using the primary love language that fills up their love tank. Choose the wrong approach, and while your actions may be appreciated, they won't be as effective.

All of this is hard and painful because to your point, *your* love tank is empty, you're the one who has been wronged here, you need your love language spoken, etc. The relationship books say you can't demand this, you have to "do the work" if you deem that it's worthwhile based on how *you* feel about the marriage, and eventually your spouse will reciprocate.

All that said, in your case you definitely need to have the sex conversation -- what is it that he's chasing and why? Is that something you're interested in providing or not?

Call me cold, but if I had six kids from 2 to 16....he would be very lucky if I ever looked his way, much less be concerned about filling his needs! Girlfriend, you must be quiet the woman!

I think you know down in your heart that this is going to take much more than you meeting his needs. And, here's the thing.....he is going to have to be the one to fix what's broken. He's the one with serious additions, not only sex...but gambling.

It seems that he has devalued you for so long, and made you feel that it's your fault that he's the way he is....until you've bought into the lie. How many times do you catch yourself thinking "If only I had been more sexy... more giving, made him feel better about himself, etc., etc.?" He is very fortunate that his W and 6 kids are still living with him!

((hugs))

I'm with sandi on this.


6 kids and just the way you talk show me you are not a woman who is cold or the "i'm not in the mood/headache" type. This isn't about YOU filling his needs but his needs being insatiable. And not all that healthy sounding.

For sure they are demeaning to you to have on while you are ML....

It's HIS problem. If it were all you, he would seek out a warm loving woman OW and leave you...not 3 OWs you know of, and not with women he didn't love

nor would he want the porn DURING sex with you....

SIGH

the bad news is that it's HIS problem and YOU can't fix that.

The good news is that you are a strong woman who isn't about to become a doormat.

That matters. But don't buy into his lie b/c it IS a lie.

I hope he'll get some help or you can go to mc. Any chance?

What do you think YOU want now anyhow?

((( )))