Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

Hey, for all we know, he's a closet John Denver fan, right?

Anyway, I don't know what made me miss the VERY obvious location specified under his call-sign.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today, Cam...

Thanks Lucky.
Not feeling the best.....very down.
Had a session with my IC last night, which I like but it makes me sad. We identify a lot of the problems and my behaviors and talk about all the changes I have made to my life for the better of my M. She wants me to meet with my W and tell her, tell her about my new less stressful, less travel job.....let her see the differences etc. I can't do it, my W doesn't care.....she doesn't care about me anymore, as far as she's concerned I'm not part of her life anymore. My C wants us to get together and talk about reconciliation - it's not going to happen though. I just said that if she wants to talk then she will initiate contact, she knows where I stand.
Have another session with my DB coach tomorrow. I'm starting to feel this is all just getting a bit useless......I miss my W so much and miss and grieve for everything we were supposed to do together and what we had.
I'm off overseas again later this week, which is a good distraction, but I hate sitting on planes for 4 hours - my mind just runs away thinking about her.

Had the session with my DB coach this morning. Unfortunately nothing has really happened given I am trying to be ‘dark’ so there wasn’t much to report on or advice to receive that was different.
He did have a view on being dark and whether that was suitable for me. He didn’t really think it was that essential, as it feels like I may be acting punitive – but I guess my W is doing the same thing to me anyway.

He asked that I make contact with my W, given I said I would a couple of weeks ago to tell her to come over to get her things. I have to go overseas again tomorrow, and again next weekend. So he suggested I try and meet her next week to give her a set of keys to the house. Scared to do this, as I probably won’t see her again after that. Will need to manage my anxiety and not panic, but I think I will give it a shot.

I emailed her this morning and said I am o/s again soon and sorry for not getting back to her. But let’s try and catch up for coffee next week and perhaps I give you a set of keys.
Sent this two hours ago, and no response yet.

I’m not sure of this approach, I much prefer the darkness theme, but I guess he is the expert here, so I haven’t got much more to lose anyway by trying this.

Just journaling.......
Ended up calling my W tonight before I left work. She hadnt replied to my email, and I'm heading overseas tomorrow, so I wanted to check if she got it. She was flat out all day, so she hadn't checked her emails. I was fine on the phone, very quick and just said I'll be away for a while not perhaps let's talk next week about coming by the house or getting the keys off me to come over. I was quick and got off the phone first.

I was chatting to my boss tonight about my sitch....discussing what went wrong, what's been happening, what my W's reasons are. We talked about her getting scared about the future and not wanting to bring a baby into a relationship like this, and particularly more now, so how could we reconcile. My boss, who is female, understood that and said it's not fair to bring a child into an unhappy M. Given my W comes from a broken home, she noes how bad that is.
I guess that just makes me feel useless, that as if my W would ever consider coming back. She wanted kids, so she's not going to bring any into a marriage like this. It's too risky for her, and whilst this is a "reason" - it sounds pretty solid to me and makes sense.

Haven't posted anything for a week, trying to stay away and just read. I've just felt so low these last couple of days. I miss my W so much, and it just seems to get harder and harder each day. Went to the doctor tonight and she increased by anti depressant dosage - WTF has happened to me!! I am just a mess.
Reality is really sinking in that I will never be with my W again, the dreams and hopes I had for us for our future will never eventuate. I will never have a family with her.
I have really wrecked my life and everything I had good in it.
This pain doesn't seem to ever subside. So sick of crying and being without her.
Was considering calling her to tonight to beg her to consider what she's doing - so hard to restrain myself.

Hi Cam I know exactly how feel buddy. As I wright to you I feel nothing but dispair. Last night my W was cooking and I had this urge to beg and plea and ask her to sit and talk to me, to reconsider but resisted. This morning I was about a foot away from her standing and she did not run or move away and again that urge.

"Was considering calling her to tonight to beg her to consider what she's doing - so hard to restrain myself"

But the experienced DBers tells us that^^^^^^^^^^^this is not helpful.

YOU are only 35 and have a whole lot of living ahead of you. Are GALing? What are you doing for YOU?

I have been imagining in my head my life without W and what it would look like. It helps with the pain. I try to not think negative stuff (easier said than done).I know God will help us through this he always has and won't lets us down. They tell me that the pain goes away and things start to look up. Hang in there.

yes cam (and Rick) they say the pain goes away and that GAL helps a lot. I'm feeling really low a lot of the time, so I keep doing the Michelle Weiner Davis thought stopping BIG RED STOP SIGN all day lately. It's helped some in blocking harmful and negative thoughts.

Cam, I feel for you. I can tell that your pain is great when I read your posts. But as I've been told: this program works if you work it. Either your marriage will be saved eventually OR YOU WILL. Don't give up, man. We're here for you.

Don't call. Don't email. Dark. Dark. Dark. Work on CAM.

My situation wasn't the same. But I had lots of times when I wanted to plead and talk - "wanted" isn't the right word, I HAD to talk, had to know. Sometimes I would shake and I felt so weak I thought I'd fall over. And I couldn't see my way out of it at all. I couldn't just do nothing, and doing something made things worse. Oh man, did it make it worse. I felt like an idiot after forcing every one of those talks. Looking back I think, for me, this was part of the solution: "Do SOMETHING SOMEWHERE ELSE for me or other people, do VERY LITTLE except be present, pleasant, and calm with my W."

Find something to distract yourself for a little while. Let it all out to your IC. Hang in there.

OK, just stuffed up everything. I'm done.
Called my W to say 'hi' - not sure why. I've been so sad and down because my best friend just got engaged, and its 5 mths today that my W walked out for good.
Phone call didn't go well.
I asked her if she would consider working on the M with me, going to counselling again.
Told her I don't understand why she is doing this, why our marriage means so little to her.
She gave me the same answers - she doesn't feel the same way about me, it wasn't balanced enough, we've gone too far now.
She misses parts of us and me, but not enough to counter the negatives she sees. She says she's moved on and wants to put the last 8 years behind her and cut her losses.
I am such an idiot - why did I call, why did I say those things.
I can't bear this pain and hurt anymore.
I'm just done...I give up.