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Broken,

Seeinganswers has made an excellent point you must take in. Stop pressuring your wife to follow through on her threats.

What's the point of that? Seriously, what was your goal? If you want her to "get off the pot" then be prepared for papers served. But see my timeline below for what it took in my h's MLC to get through this.

Also, You've not yet been in your situation for a year and you're already dating? Really? Wow...that seems fast for a man with 3 kids who loves his wife and goes to church, etc. If it was a date with OW, it's unfair to her, b/c you are clearly not available emotionally. Food for thought. I do understand the need for companionship, trust me, I do. Her comment about you dating was interesting. I'd back off and say nothing to her again about it. If she asks, don't reply. It's none of her business but if she presses you without anger, you can say "I want us to be a family again. Since you left Me, I don't think you're in a position to judge what I do" and leave it at that. Don't engage.

As far as her comments regarding your faith, what is that about? Are you preaching to her?

Look, I cannot tell you what will "make" your wife feel loving and committed again. None of us can.

But we have a lot of experience in what turns OFF the Walk Away Spouse and preaching, condemning and trying to guilt them, backfires every time.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she'll defend them, (instead of doing what YOU want, which is to examine them.) Stop your parental voice and let the internal voice in her head speak to her about her choices. Don't outshout that other voice...

Back off big time. Be a great father. No mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their dad. It's a turn on at a deep level. Don't look for results, leave those up to God.


Be a man only a fool would leave. And again, leave the results up to God.

Broken,

I didn't touch this before, but I will now.

You did something went somewhere with a woman who wasn't your wife.

You didn't consider it a date...It was a group activity...you didn't hold hands...she is a friend only...

It's too bad that what you perceive doesn't mean it is what other people perceive. Like 25years...your wife.

Something to think about.

Hi Seeking,

Thanks for your reply. I agree with not bringing it up, but shes been telling me about this divorce thats in the process for the last 7 months. Like some MLCers that have filed and had papers served right away, I havent seen anything. Almost every week, WITHOUT me bringning it up, she always throws it in my face. If shes SO unhappy and she claims that its been 20 years of misery with me, why not file? Is she using this as a way of control me?

And if you can just for clarification, during replay, do they really believe this fantasy that they are living? Is there ANY part of them that knows they are doing wrong?

Hi 25,

Thanks for your reply.

I must admit that you are right. I do ask about her about her divorce plans to see more or less where she stands. You called me on it. But, its not frequent. She does, however, throw that at me allot.

About the need for companionship, again, you hit the nail on the head. You see, her neglect has not been as of last Thanksgiving, its been going on about 1-1/2 years before that. I can almost pinpoint it to the time she got her plastic surgery. So, the lonliness has been for a while already.

After that date, I quickly realized that its only a temporary fix to an existing problem. When reality kicks back in, I still love my wife and family. So, just because I go to church, doesnt mean that Im not as human as any other man.


I do have to learn more patience.

Her comments about my faith just came out of her bitterness. She see’s that I’m involved with the church allot and she KNOWS she can hit a nerve with that. She had told me that she feels that through my “mumbo jumbo faith”, I’m putting a curse on her. Lol. I’m Christian and she claims to be Catholic.

Just yesterday, I went to my doctor and I learned that I could possibly have a tumor. I contemplated in telling her, but I did. She told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that she wanted to talk to my doctor. Through the day, she kept texting me to tell her what was wrong. Shortly afterwards, she sending me back to he!! again.

Bottom line, she KNOWS I love her and my family. Even going dark doesn’t work. She always tries to find some reason to contact me. She’s smart, she tries to use the kids as a reason to contact.

The madness continues…

First,

sorry about the tumor. Hopefully it's benign. Most are (Just had one of my own removed and it was benign and a great thing to have GONE).

I'm Catholic and picked up on the term "Christian" which you used, then contrasted with your use of the word Catholic. I assume you know Catholics are Christians. So is this an issue with your w?

Does she perceive your (possibly fundamentalist??) views as anti-Catholic?

Since she's revising the marital history to justify leaving, you have to counter the negatives she comes up with, with your positive CONTRASTING behaviors. If she said you "always were late", you are now early. If she said you were a poor dresser, you get snappy with the clothes. You have to show her that her data MIGHT once have been true

but it isn't now...and that's all that matters. If she has a valid complaint about something (say, being late) you can concede that by saying "there are a lot of things I'd do differently If I had it to do over again"....

If she over revises and just LIES about something, you can say "Wow, I don't recall it that way at all. But I'm sorry you were hurt..."

See, she cannot argue with either answer and chances are they are 180s for you. This confuses her about your potential for change.

Right or wrong, SHE thinks you need to change. And in truth, don't we all?

How have you changed or improved as a man? I think you listed not cheating or gambling as being signs of good h's but you know there's more...

Next, and probably more importantly, what are your 180s? And your GAL activities?

Those will do more to help YOU feel better, and to detach from wondering when the next shoe will drop, (which paradoxically, sometimes wake the WAS up,)

than anything else I know.

color:#990000] Note that to reconcile,

she has to believe that marriage to you today, from this day forward, would be better than before.

Would it? How so? If you cannot answer this, then you are not ready to reconcile.[/color]

Good luck

Wait...wait...wait a damm second here.

Catholics are christians?

When did that happen?

; )

Fish Eater myself.

Hello All!

Been super busy with work and church activities and I have been able to post here in a while.

25, I will answer your questions soon. I believe my answers will be pretty lengthy 

A couple of things have happened within the last couple of weeks…

1st It seems like all the venom spewing, name calling, hateful acts that my wife was laying on me has slowly , if not, come to a complete end. Yes, she has her moments especially when she’s asking for money. But then a few minutes later, we talk as if nothing has happened. I’m seeing more of the woman she used to be. She is resuming her duties as a great mom and is not going out as much as she used to. It also seems like she’s trying to re-connect with some of the people she did away with at the beginning of this whole mess. Everyone, of course, except me. I’m also getting wind from family members in NY that her mom is getting fed up with her and is tired of all the baby sitting she is doing while her daughter goes out. Mother in law also commented that her daughter should return to her husband already.

2nd Last Saturday, I took the kids out to the movies. When I went to drop them off, I notice the my W car was not home. 3 minutes later she pulls up and I see a guy in her passenger seat. When he saw me, he had the dear in the headlights look. She pulls in and parks her truck. I immediately told the kids to get inside because I thought things were going to get ugly. When I got out of my car, I notice that she had another guy in the back seat. The guy I saw in the back seat was the one guy I saw in a picture with my wife hugging her. She came out smiling. (I think she was trying to defuse me by smiling). I asked her why was she bringing these guys up in front of the kids? She swore up and down that they were just friends. Granted, before we met, she did have allot of guy friends with no intentions, but of course, they were gay. These guys aren’t. I also noticed that they were almost 10 years younger than her. GET THIS!!! She told me to go over and shake their hand! When, I looked in the truck again, they couldn’t DARE look at me! When I looked at my wife, she had that expression in her face that I know all too well that she FUGED UP! Apparently, divine intervention grabbed a hold of me and put me in my car and I drove off.

Friends or not, a 38 year old woman, driving around guys in their early to mid twenties??? First questions that comes in to my head is WHY? What could those dudes possibly want with her huh? I just take it as yet another sign of replay.

Later that day, she had called her cousin. (Her cousin is one of the ones she wants to reconnect with) She told her cousin that she felt bad for what she did, but on the other hand, she feels like she did nothing wrong. She also told her, that she would like to get back with me but, I had to change. WTF!!!! Like haven’t changed enough already!

I did not contact her for 2 days and she sent me a text telling me that I was very rude and immature driving off like that. Then she tells me that they are just friends and she’s doing nothing wrong. Also, she told me if I would of shook their hands, that I probably would of made new friends but, she said that when I came out of the car like a bull, they got scared. :O) he he he. You see, she just can’t admit that she messed up. She rather paint another picture of the situation and come out looking like a complete FOOL!

My wife was ALWAYS a very jealous and insecure woman. Back in the day, I couldn’t even have coffee with my cousin without her losing her mind. Then she pulls this???

My conclusion is that might be progressing through the tunnel a bit. When I talk to her about our R, she just hangs up on me. No more talks of divorce. I don’t think she ever went in the first place. She has become yet, another personality. It appears that she wants to be by herself and she’s a little withdrawn with little bouts of anger. She has always been a VERY proud person so seeing any kind of remorse from her will be difficult. She knows that this situation has caused a PERMANENT gap between her mother and I. I can always forgive her mother, but there will be NO, ABSOLULTEY NO reconcilement between us. I can support my wife because she is going through her MLC, but her mother, is NOT. She supported and encouraged all the damage! She tried to encourage her daughter to start dating and find someone better. Now, that she sees that everything is backfiring, now she is having a change of heart. When I first met my wife, I remember clearly the words of her mother telling me “I have a natural HATRED towards men”. Here is a woman that comes from a track record of 2 divorces! First husband beat the crap out of her, and second husband(wife’s dad) cheated and left her before my W was born. My mother in law’s own family, brother sisters, cousins etc etc CANT STAND HER! All my counselors, friends, pastors, neighbors have said that mother in law HAS to go! As long as she’s around, I have NO chance!

Her mother is a complete effing NUT!

And if you are saying “damn, this guy hates his MIL!!!” My answer is... DAMN SKIPPY!

IF and when my wife decides to reconcile and give it another go, she WILL have to chose either to stay with her mother, or get a home of our own. With both make pretty decent salaries and I know we can make it. So, she has ALLOT of thinking to do. My W is also a very SMART woman. I’m hoping she comes to her senses.

I have read many articles and how to handle MLC situations. One big rule is, if your spouse wants out, let HER leave. In this situation, since we lived in her moms home, she decided to kick ME out! So, kicking me out and having mom loving her MLC and supporting it, makes it look like I’m kind of screwed, huh?!? LOL.

I really hope I’m seeing some positive signs here.

Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.

I hope all of your kids had a great first day at school!

I thought you wanted to reconcile. But that goal has changed, right?

I mean, your tone is NOT a tone of someone who is working on himself or looking to make his way back to his wife at all,

but a man who wants his w to crawl back to him...not likely if all she sees is your anger. That's all I'm picking up from your posts at least.

You have to answer whether marriage to YOU would be better now, than before.

And why would your wife believe that? What has SHE seen from you? A lot of anger?

although you claim you made changes...what are they?

As far as THIS example of her behavior...I don't get it.

Maybe some MLC stuff... b/c there are new people in her life but...


Unless you believe she's cheating with BOTH men at the same time, with their knowledge,
isn't it possible they ARE just friends?

However they Might be "using" her, I find it hard to believe she'd bring two "lovers" over. And a lot of women in their late 30s are young looking.

What's so repulsive about your w that no man in his late 20s could find interesting? And how do you KNOW their age?

I have friends from differing ages. I don't believe the men who are younger merely want my money or sex with me. In fact, we often work together on artistic endeavors. I have some talents I share with artists of different ages.

So does my h. Guess I don't get the whole "FOOL" appearance you highlighted.

She was polite to you and suggested you meet them --to allay your suspicions--so you drove off.

How is that the behavior of a man with nothing to hide? Isn't it just you storming off? Do you see any problem with your reaction?

Weren't some of your w's complaints that you were too critical and hypocritical?

See how your reaction plays right into that?

So, back to those changes You made...what were they?

I just pick up on so much anger from you, I have to wonder how a reconciliation would ever happen with you two.


I didn't grow up seeing a lot of forgiveness so I had to learn it. It's a process. But it's mandatory for a restored marriage AND as a great example for your kids.

Right now you sound really stuck in your pain and anger. That'll make it tougher for your kids, and you.

Have you discussed forgiveness at least as a concept, with your pastor? Do you know what it would look like?

Umm, yeah, I do want to reconcile, but not with her mother. I said her mother, not my wife.

My tone is one of man that has changed and I DO have somethings to learn, but marriage is just about the man doing everything. Its a 50/50 thing and it NEVER was a 50/50 thing.

And what changes has my wife seen from me? Ive been told not to ask LOL. I could say, patience, devotion, a better father, a supporter and yes, LESS anger. To be dealing with what Ive been dealing with and NOT show anger? Its kind of asking me NOT to be human.

Will my marriage be better now than before? With out her mother in the picture, YEP! She always relied on her for EVERYTHING!

No, I dont believe she is cheating with both guys. And yes, they DO look like they are in their 20's. And why would a 37 year old mother of 3 be driving these guys around? Oh, she knew that I was hurting from seeing her pics with other men. Then she brings them before me and asks me to shake their hand? You got to have some scrotum and dignity, 25.

Just because my wife had complaints about me, doest it mean that ALL of them were valid? Umm NO. She also claimed that I threatend her life and beat her as well. Ive NEVER laid a finger on her. K?

Oh and about the anger thing again, 20 years have I supported, sacrificed and given her EVERYTHING to at the end, just kick me out of her home to do what every the heck she wanted. Do you really expect me not to be angry? Give me some credit for still being there for her in EVERY way she needs me despite of the hell im going through but, I cant just let her walk all over me.

You see, in our marriage, she ALWAYS controlled the freinds I had, what was done in the house, the way we ate, the church we went to, the way we dressed, EVERYTHING. And I just went along with it. I did and still love her and did what every she asked. She always thought that marriage had NO room for freinds,clubbing and outings without your spouse. NOW she gets a boob job, tummy tuck and hair extensions and now she wants to change the whole story around. And IM supposed to accept this like its nothing? And NOT be angry?

I"m not telling you what to feel; I"m asking what you present goal is.

You did call your w a "fool", correct? And dud your mil let you all live in her home for 20 years?

Do you think that was at all kind of her?

Bottom line, your marital revisions are also occuring, and you present tone is so filled with anger, I wonder what you really want now.

After all, it sure Sounds like you are not too happy with what you used to have, so,

what is it that you now want?

And as far as your changes, can you be more specific? Saying you are more patient, more devoted, isn't very detailed to me.

And again, what are your GAL and 180s? Have you read the DB books?