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paperwork filed with the courts today, STBXW served this afternoon. We spoke on the phone for about an hour regarding custody of SS15 and then she asked about me and how i was doing.

Didnt expect that, she asked about my treatment options, what the drs were doing. How my marker number was on my last blood test. She asked alot of questions. Was kind of shocked. She asked what the survival rate was. She said i was gonna beat this as the kids needed both parents.

Thankfully, my daughter came to get me for reading time and then to tuck her in. I passed the phone to the kids.

I dont get it. Where did all that come from. She hasnt said anything for months, then out of the blue.

Personally, i think i am falling into a dark point of my life. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. Hard to put one foot in front of the other. I just wanted to lay in bed and forget everything.

Hon -
Not that you don't have a lot of perfectly legitimate reasons to be depressed, BUT -
be aware that some chemo agents can also cause low thyroid, which results in fatigue and depression. OR you could have some anemia as a result of chemo. Tell your doctor about your symptoms and ask for some blood tests to check these things.

(((((hugs)))))

thanks kml, blood work is being done tomorrow.

So I have been put in the spotlight with my children. SS15 doesnt want to leave and live with his dad. He wants to stay here with his family, he just wants his mom to visit every tuesday and thursday and every other weekend at the house.

Of course he has talked to his mom about it and got his 2 brothers and sister to beg me to allow it.

I just dont know what to do. I have been down this road for months with her. I dont know if i can emotionally handle that situation right now. She called me to ask if it was possible, and said she would be very thankful if i would allow it to happen.

I tild her i dont think i could handle the situation at the moment, there is too much going on in my life and my head is cloudy and i dont think i could handle it emotionally. Her response to that was, "well you didnt say no. Lets leave it at that, see how it goes and deal with it if and when you cant do it anymore".

Uhm, this isnt fair, the kids and her are now scheming against me. I am expected to allow her back into my house.

Wow Tank. I haven't checked in on you in awhile. I don't have a lot to offer, but I wanted to stop by.

God Bless you my friend. May he give you the strength and wisdom to overcome the obstacles in front of you.

Tank -
I assume the kids want it this way because they don't want to see her boyfriend and because they feel safest at home.

I understand you not wanting the additional
l strain of her being around you.

Could you arrange to be elsewhere on those evenings so you don't have to see her? Let your BIL handle the transitions while you go see a funny movie or visit a friend?

thats the plan kml. my parents are going to drive her to and from so i dont have to. I went out for drinks (water), with friends to the local pub. Had a good time. will just try to keep away.

Thanks for the support litb

Now at the visit today, i had supper cooked and ready before i left. was out the door before she arrived. She actually called me to see if i was coming back to have a nice family dinner. I told her i was out with friends, would try and be available some other time.

she is looney tunes. She really needs to get her head on straight, she's acting like there is nothing wrong.

Tank,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are feeling so very low. You have fought the good fight. You are a decent and honorable man. You have done EVERYTHING and then some for your family. You are battling two tragedies at once (cancer and divorce).

I am praying for you Tank. And yes, STBXW is Looney Tunes. Cruelty hidden by a facade of 'concern' and feigned normalcy...

I guess I have been so touched by your situation because I had a mother who did what your wife has done. I understand it from the perspective of your kids. I could write a long letter about the drugs, her eventually having a relationship with a high-school friend of mine while still living with my father, the missed visits on holidays, the disappearing out of my life, her feelings of entitlement to still be respected as my "mom" when she had behaved atrociously...the whole humiliating works.

I wish I could have your wife learn about my life, what the outcome of being treated that way as a child was like, the wounds that will NEVER heal even though I have reconciled with my mom as an adult.

At least you are holding it together for your kids. My dad tried and couldn't. I moved in with Ex-P when I was still a kid because my mother had abandoned us. I never thought I would be abandoned again and then I was...And the pain of it happening again is too much for me this time.

All I'm saying Tank, is that you HAVE to survive this for your kids. Please, please, please don't let them end up like me. The wound your wife has inflicted on them will be there a lifetime if its not healed while they are still young. That is why they need you. If STBXW so much as causes your blood pressure to go up one point when she visits, then she needs to stay out of your freaking house. The kids may not understand why, they may say, "Why is Dad being mean?" But they will understand once they get older and they need you to be strong, and healthy, and consistent for them even if they don't realize it yet.

Hang in there Tank. Hang in there.

Tank,

((( )))

Forgive me b/c I detest being in a position of sort of defending your w, but I need to say something here...

First, you are an inspiration. I completely understand your rage. I'd be far worse than you. And when you hit OM, I nodded with enthusiasm reading it (and almost hoped you might backhand your w too)...


Having said all that, she is actually FINALLY doing/saying what you asked for, abeit awfully late.

And fwiw, I don't think she's faking concern. Let's not mind read so much--better yet, let ME mind read and put another spin on it....

I think she's terrified she's too late, and that she cannot ever come back from where she has been. (Remember she reached out before, and asked about trying to fix what she has done?)

For a parent, from a kid's view, I usually don't believe there's such a thing as too late. W/your kids it's not too late, b/c there is still the desire for their mom.

((**Alone, I know your story and I feel for you & your pain. I had a rageaholic dad and some very painful past memories too.
But at some point we DO have to choose to heal from childhood. We can't make our parents responsible for what we decide or react to, Today.))


Tank, keep it simple. Right or wrong, fair or unfair,

The kids (esp d7) want her in their lives. As of now, she wants to be in their lives.

If she meets the conditions for that, (and you still protect them from possible weirdness from her),

is the remaining issue simply the outrageously unfair aspects to it all?

Do you see how that's coming from a place of anger?

(Understandable but still, it is what it is).

While I get the anger, totally, it doesn't make it better, nor does it right the wrongs, to deny d7 and the others, time with their mom.
It compounds the wrongs done to them.

No one will forget what happened or the heroic efforts you made. Least of all the kids.

Don't you think they're terrified you won't get better and then where will they be?

(I'd bet anything they know you are sick. And the less they know about the statistics, in some ways, the more they'll fear the secret illness-just my .02)

I know YOU have put things in order in case, but they don't know.

Anyhow, I surely won't judge you for any choices you make with this.

For the record, I want to slap your w whether she's stoned or not, though I would prefer if she recalled it clearly...

I admire you. And wish you the best.

((( )))

alone, thank you for the kind words. I am sorry you had to go through that. I wish my kids didnt.

mlc, i hear what you are saying. I have often tried to see from all sides, i just cant do it any more. I have to see it from my side. I have to take care of me.

I have been away from the boards for a little while. I have been in the hospital. I got a chest cold and then pneumonia. So it wasnt the best of times for my family. I am back at home now. When this happened, i collapsed at home and my MIL call 911. She informed her daughter that i was rushed to the hospital, My STBXW didnt come and take care of the kids. My Parents and MIL and BIL took turns.

I even had a friend come from Tennessee and stay for 10 days to make sure the kids were taken care of on a daily basis and there first week of school was as good as could be expected. All the time, STBXW relied on my parents to take her too and from her visits and that was all she was willing to do. My mom brought her to the hospital 1x and she sat there and all she could say was, "I cant deal with you being sick!". Well i looked at her and said, "I am, its done, cant be changed, and i have to deal with it, i dont need her inability to face reality on me as well."

My mother took her home and i havent heard from her since. My parents pick up the kids on tuesdays and thursdays after school and take them to their house. If she wants to see them, she goes there. My parents allow her to stay at their house for her weekends visits as well. My mother has told her, that until i contact her, she need not call, text, email or facebook me. She will not be at my house and she will not create any more stress for me.

Has been the calmest 3 weeks i have had in a long time.

my AT. has filed all necessary paperwork, and we are waiting for her response.

i am picking the battle for life with my kids over the battle to fix my marriage. I cant do both and i know my kids need me.

Tank, its so good to hear from you. I know that many of us have been thinking about you. I hope the recovery from the pneumonia is on track.

As always, your wife sank to the occasion. I am glad that no contact seems to be helping you regain some balance during this impossible time. Calmness is good. Very good.

No right-minded woman does what your W is doing. I know it doesn't help to hear that, but its the only explanation out there for such outrageous behavior.

Not that its your problem, but is she still drinking/smoking pot heavily? Is she sober during her visitations?

Stay clam, keep moving forward, keep taking back control over your life, and YOUR wellness comes first at this point. Your kids need one sane/healthy parent.

How did your kids handle your hospitalization?