Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Another crisis.....but H opening up now

Angel,

I think you hit the nail on the head about MLCers choosing confidants with more lax morals than they themselves generally display who will relate to them without judgement. I guess it goes hand in hand with seeking OW who are needier and more dysfunctional than they are, at that point. It really does show how much depression changes a person's normal values.

Also, if you've ever been depressed/in victim mode, you may understand how the problems which confront the depressed person seem like the most interesting thing about him/her, so the only way to connect with others is to talk about them. Sorry, I'm not explaining that well, but I do hazily remember a period like that in my life. It's sort of like you've partially forgotten who you are, and know yourself only by telling people about the pain you're going through.

You know, I thought my H wouldn't let go of OW unless she moved away, but once he made the final decision to end things with her, he made sure he wouldn't run into her through work, and in his mind (gradually) she became an embarrassing mistake while I became the long-time interest again. So his not being a restless soul may work for you!

I'm not on the alt, but happy to pass on anything I've learned thanks to this place!

I totally understand the "victim" mode. I have been, for the longest time, only been talking to my friends about my situation, and as you say, feeling that the only interesting thing about me are my "poor me" stories. Then I came to the realization that my poor friends are probably so tired of all my whining, so I now have stopped talking about it, except when asked.

I was just mulling this morning about the kind of person I have become. While its true that the sitch has brought about many good changes in me, especially when it comes to being patient, and compassionate, and slow to anger, it also has blunted the more passionate and exciting side of me.

I think I need to find my passion and rediscover my true self, with the needed changes. I am not finding myself attractive right now, so how will my H think of me?

Hi Angel!

I think it's wonderful that you're noticing what's still lacking in your life and sense of self. Now is the time, while your H is off finding his way, to become that attractive, exciting woman you glimpse sometimes.

I'm sure you're familiar with the "Change Sandwich," the model that we move from Unconscious Incompetence (not knowing what mistakes we're making) to Conscious Incompetence (seeing the mistakes but not knowing how to make changes), to Conscious Competence (being very aware of acting in new and sometimes uncomfortable ways) to Unconscious Competence (naturally behaving in the new manners).

You've made it to step 3 already--and the better you feel about the changes you have made/are making/want to make, the easier the process will become.

What could you do to feel more attractive to yourself right now? How could you awaken your more passionate and exciting side WITHOUT slipping back on your newfound skills of patience, compassion and restraint?

I'm writing your post on my arm with a ballpoint pen. Thanks for being here, both of you!

Adinva,

I have read your posts and I think yu are amazing, an intuitive DB'er. Kep up the good work and I am glad my experiences, and Cyrena's through my posts, are helping you!

For everyone else who reads: I just got good news so I want to share it here..... I just heard the OW is not extending her training here in the US!

I reacted with a combination of glee and then a minute later.... doubt and uncertainity. But as my good friend here says - don't ask for trouble, and trust that your prayers are being heard!

God is good!

angel61.....just catching up on your current sitch. Wanted you to know I'm out here and paying attention. Stay strong!

Thanks MZ for dropping by! Am always glad for the support. This site has indeed been such a lifesaver.

Its so nice when we could share both our ups and downs and have people cheering for us when we are up and sympathizing when we are down, but most important is the knowledge that someone has walked the path before you and has been successful in some way.

I notice a change in me lately after hearing H's words that he is staying and somehow working on the M and our friendship, and seeing his confirmatory actions (confiding to his bro) and hearing the good news from my friend.

I have been more confident and no longer feeling like I am walking on eggs. I also know that my changes are more deeply ingrained so I no longer feel that I need to pretend.

I do have to remind myself that I have to keep my mouth zipped as much as I could, even if I hunger so much for more connection between H and myself.

I really do feel though like we have turned a major corner.

What I would like to share though, and I hope i don't offend anyone out there, is that all of these changes couldn't have been brought about had I not also been changed spiritually. I now have a much closer relationship to God, but only when I started understanding how I should give my marriage and relationship to Him did everything fall into place. And I see now how DB'ing falls in with this all.

DB'ing says work on yourself and yourself alone. And slowly, working on myself, making myself a better person led to me seeking spiritual guidance to find out what is good. What better guidance than to seek what God wants us to be in the first place? Everything I learned from reading the Bible, devotionals, friends who are more maure than me spiritually all pointed out the same path: Love unconditionally, forgive thus losing the anger and resentment, and be thnkful for the blessings that you have. And all of that leads to a better person: peaceful, not controlling, learning trust, letting go....

Just updating....

Things have been pretty stable lately. I am getting more and more comfortable, and am finding that my confidence and my work habits are improving, my brain seems to be working and I am almost back to my 100% at work. I no longer think of my situation all of the time although I am sort of addicted to this site that even at work I have to look at the website every now and then.

H and I are now pretty friendly with each other, we talk all the time we are home, there are no longer any awkward moments or times we ignore each other. Our convos are about work, news, etc. Sometimes some personal views, values, beliefs come up in the conversation but I notice that H seems to take them in stride and no longer looks like he is uncomfortable. I feel confident that our M is getting more and more on solid ground and that the possibility of us going our separate ways in the near, or maybe even intermediate future is diminishing a lot.

I have learned to let go of H and to just believe his words when he asked me to let him handle the EA issue. I know one of these days it will be just a dim memory. I know he still is in touch with OW, but I just trust him and God that it will end. It makes it easier for all of us.

H really is into taking care of all of us again. He is the most attentive Dad to our D, and is very caring of me as well. Makes sure I have everything I need, cooks and buys food I like, took me to the doctor when I felt sick, and even made sure I did not attempt to drive myself because I was dizzy. He calls when he is out of town, tells me when he is boarding the plane, lets me know when he will be late.

The thing is we don't have any sexual intimacy anymore. Its been 3 and a half months since we had last ML, and I did try to initiate last weekend but he avoided it. I asked him if we are going to have a sexless M, and he just smiled at me, and I just laughed back and told him I feel like I am too young to be celibate. But amazingly, our convo did not affect the mood of the day, and we still had fun the rest of the day.

I am starting to think more about the lack of sex in my life and wondering if it will ever come back. It makes me feel sad, although to be honest, I don't also feel that much of a physical attraction to H right now. Weird, because during the time that we were so emotional, and riding the coaster, we both were actually quite passionate and I could almost say that it was one of the more sexually satisfying periods of our M! Now that things have dies down, the passion has died down as well.

Those of you who have gone through this before me, did the same thing happen to you?

Once my H was deep into depression, he didn't ML very often. That's a common side effect of depression. However, after the bomb we also went through a very passionate period--but, it was more having sex than ML, as he was not particularly loving. After he committed to the marriage and became happier, he returned to being a lover.

Sorry for the abrupt post there--someone came over.

I'm not sure whether you've read the book Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, but if not I can't recommend it highly enough. It's about ending co-dependence by learning to stand on your own within a marriage, but also describes the what sexual growth & fulfillment can look like in a successful partnership. It would be well worth forming your ideas of what you'd like to aim for at this point by reading it.