Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated again... struggling with it.

Lucky -- just wanted you to know I'm still here and still thinking of you.

Ah yes... yes indeed. I've always had problems with my self esteem. I look forward to breaking that down when I get myself some IC.

I've been thinking of what I can do to feel better. Feel more powerful. I've been doing a lot of furniture moving around the house. My brother helped me move the freezer into the cellar, which I've been wanting to do for years but H liked having the freezer upstairs. Well... now it's downstairs where I've always wanted it! And in that space I set up a set of shelves.. and I'm finally going to bring all my comics back into the house. They've been in storage for three years and I've missed having them soooo much.

And I did that all on my S5's first full day of kindergarten. I felt very productive. Feeling productive made me feel good.

Well... the bellydancing isn't going to happen.. not this year yet. (Schedule conflicts) So I'm going to do a lot more drawing to take up it's place. I've always wanted to illustrate my own prints and sell them. Perhaps now is the time to really make that happen.

Another thing I think would make me feel more empowered is if I filed for separation. I have no interest in filing for divorce but he's living with another woman anyway... so what am I holding onto? If I file for separation... there are a bevy of government programs I become applicable for as a single mom. And I could definitely use the financial help.

And that... would be a huge 180.

Lol... a saint? Lofty praise.. *blush*

No, no... I just had a H that I loved dearly and was fully committed to the marriage. Even if I had to be committed on my own.

Now.. yes.. I'm afraid I'm reaching the point where I don't want him back. And that saddens me. But I've been able to get so much more accomplished in my life without him around, dragging me down... making me scared and insecure. The days where I don't see him have been some of the best "newly single mom again" days ever since he left me again. The days where we do connect have been some of my lowest "newly single mom again" days.

It's not taking much motivation for me to start moving farther and farther away from him. He's making me feel awful. I'm finally learning not to touch the hot stove.

I think.... I think it's time I channeled all my energy away from making this marriage work and into me, my children and my artwork.

I'd still like everyone's help here to DB successfully tho'... I don't know if I want him back... I just don't know... (he's going to have to do a hel!uva lot to get me back!)... I do know that even if I don't want him back (which I'm not sure on?) that I want to be "the better choice". I want to be that woman that only a fool would leave. Babysteps.

Journaling -

Dropped off the kids with him this morning so I could go to work. He asked for an extra carseat so I know that means he's taking them to his and K's house. Not much I can do about it. When I feel a bubble of resentment rise up, I push it down and tell myself that "my kids are with their father... and they are ok. He won't let anything happen to them."

The conversation was brief. He didn't reach out to hug me, nor I him. Sometimes he hugs me so I moved closer to experiment and see if he would. This morning he didn't. And I didn't initiate. Driving away I felt that familiar lump of sadness... When I got to work I laid out all the projects I was going to work on and eventually I worked that sadness away.

I'm teaching myself ukelele and sign language. That excites me.

I'm looking into getting a paper route so I can make some more money.. that excites me.. it will also get me some more exercise, which I need.

I think I need to be on my own... without a mate for awhile. Maybe a long while. I need this time.

((IS)) Big hugs for you too, IS!

"I'm teaching myself ukelele and sign language. That excites me."

That's so cool. Last night D and I were playing guitar hero and I thoguht about taking guitar lessons? My D plays drums, violing and the guitar. But I can't sign. Keep up the good work Lucky.

Now.. yes.. I'm afraid I'm reaching the point where I don't want him back. And that saddens me. But I've been able to get so much more accomplished in my life without him around, dragging me down... making me scared and insecure. The days where I don't see him have been some of the best "newly single mom again" days ever since he left me again. The days where we do connect have been some of my lowest "newly single mom again" days.


I'm so sorry these are your lowest days. I totally understand your emotions. They are valid. Truly.


It's not taking much motivation for me to start moving farther and farther away from him. He's making me feel awful. I'm finally learning not to touch the hot stove.

I think.... I think it's time I channeled all my energy away from making this marriage work and into me, my children and my artwork.


yes, hon. If you channel your energy into yourself and your kiddos, if it's meant to be with this WAH, it will. If not, I can truly see you becoming SO much more... Growth hurts. It's like death.\\
I'd still like everyone's help here to DB successfully tho'... I don't know if I want him back... I just don't know... (he's going to have to do a hel!uva lot to get me back!)... I do know that even if I don't want him back (which I'm not sure on?) that I want to be "the better choice". I want to be that woman that only a fool would leave. Babysteps.


even if you don't want him back---- DBing makes US the LBS better people and empowers us in a time when we are weakest and most vulnerable. Stick with
the DB principles as I am trying to do and one way or another, you and i will live to tell this sordid tale.


Journaling -

Dropped off the kids with him this morning so I could go to work. He asked for an extra carseat so I know that means he's taking them to his and K's house. Not much I can do about it. When I feel a bubble of resentment rise up, I push it down and tell myself that "my kids are with their father... and they are ok. He won't let anything happen to them."

The conversation was brief. He didn't reach out to hug me, nor I him. Sometimes he hugs me so I moved closer to experiment and see if he would. This morning he didn't. And I didn't initiate. Driving away I felt that familiar lump of sadness... When I got to work I laid out all the projects I was going to work on and eventually I worked that sadness away.

Good. That is a baby step. Baby steps eventually take us where we need to go. Keep working on your projects. No matter what.

I'm teaching myself ukelele and sign language. That excites me.

That is really cool!!!!!

I'm looking into getting a paper route so I can make some more money.. that excites me.. it will also get me some more exercise, which I need.

don't we all need exercise? LOL. and money also. Great idea!

I think I need to be on my own... without a mate for awhile. Maybe a long while. I need this time. [/quote] [/quote]


I've been telling myself the exact same thing in the past few days. Until I learn to be ok with being alone --- until I can just be me and know who ME is---without a R, I won't have a successful R with f-in crazy (lol) W OR anyone else. Let's take this time as a gift. Hard to do. But. important for our healing, lucky.

"Let's take this time as a gift."

Amen.

Journaling -

Keeping to myself tonight.. I sort of want a quiet house. I brought all the comics into the house from storage and am going to spend the evening sorting them onto shelves. It will be nice.

Got a supportive FB message from a friend that was still doing charity gigs with H and K. She says that she's going to stop because she knows that H and I were separated (H told her, not me)and she's seeing things that are making her uncomfortable with the way H and K are acting towards each other.

I told her not to worry... I've known about it for most of the summer... she's not slamming me with tragic news.

She was relived (that I knew) and said that H is making it pretty evident that he's "with K" now.

Second hand evidence... part of me wonders how H is "making it evident" (he's not trying to keep it secret anymore?) and part of me doesn't care. All of me is sad. What a collection of emotions.

Oh well... it's nothing new. Nothing I didn't know about. I'm feeling much more certain that I have to file for separation.

H phoned to say goodnight to the kids. I wasn't expecting his call and was flustered on the phone.. some stuttering. Blast it. :S H wants to come over and hang out with us Tuesday and Wednesday evening.

I'll have separation papers for him to sign and more stuff of his in a box that I've been finding as I've been reorganizing.

GALing by myself tonight.. I've had friends over for movies for awhile now... I just want some breathing room.

Feeling sad to be taking a step towards letting go. I really hate this. But I feel worse when I'm hanging on.

I want you to be "here" where you are at. You NEED to question your self worth. You NEED to know and not "think". I caution you on feeling this way for one reason and one reason only...If you act in anyway from a point of feeling you will not get the results you want from DB'ing.

You have to do ALL OF THIS work for you and YOUR worth. Don't worry about him. KNOW you need to be a better person to yourself and deal with the side effects of "Him coming back" afterwards. Your not a bad person, YOU just need to radiate the feeling that you are worth more than this.

I commend you on the work you have done, just keep focusing on YOU, not him. Tomorrow/Today what can Lucky do differently to KNOW she's going to be okay and happy?

This post is more of a "Good Job" reminder than hitting you. Keep it up Chica.

Ah... yes. Know this.. don't just think it. I've got to stop second guessing myself.

Today the kids are going to play around me and I'm going to keep "making the house mine on a budget"... there is so much work to do my head is spinning. But it's a good spin. It's exciting to finally be redecorating.

Librarian Girl is coming over for a movie tonight. Hooray.

Another PRO to WAH that occurred to me this morning: My grocery bill is going to be far less!