Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

If you feel she is pulling you down you need some distance, so you can sort your stuff out.

Look at 3 contact types to see which is best for you.

Dim, dark or n/c

Have a look here to see if this helps explain

midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels_dim-and-dark.html

I think you need to go dark, not to gain a reaction but to build some strength and to help detatch.

Detatching is hard, bloody hard and time and going dark will help. Only initiate contact over S2 or urgent stuff, then keep the conversation "professional"

Also GAL will help.

Next, what you need to do is analyse you

what wonderful traits did you gave you you two first met

what's changed over time

what are W issues

What do you not like about you

Then do some 180's

Have a long think over these then come back to us so we can help.

But, again the first thing you need to do is gain some calm in you

Acting from emotions is not good for your situation.

Remember, you can do loads to make things worse, but very little to make things better.

We need to concentrate on you first. If your not in a good place you can not expect your M to get there.

Next

These are the rules which we all go by here, I think sandi came up with them.

Print them out or put them on your smartphone (If you have 1) keep them on you, read the daily. These will help, stick to them like glue........

The rules....

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse
completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let her be the one to call you.
Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead,
you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read
marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her
to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get
his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a
future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private
matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and
affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save
for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for
you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and
that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other
words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times.
Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause
the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she
is in or what he/she is going to do or say - get busy, think of things to
do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for
yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite
them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with
your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your
spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant
expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don' t act like you are pouting. Use poise and
class. This does not mean to act like you aren't speaking, but don't be



16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You
are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your
kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be
missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is
important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and
contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected.
Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time,
somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you!
Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may
be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking
like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes
patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't
take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have
to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it
will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes
his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When
you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you
want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them
in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are
speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk.
This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your
health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you
are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a
large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead,
focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives becausehe/she is hurting and
scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes
are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If
it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems
will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely
necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily
arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Well my wife randomly came over to get the camera because she was going to the Circus today with her wonderful father and my son. She said hardly anything and came and got the camera and left. I saw my son and expressed my love for him. I asked my wife is she needed any toys for my son and she said no. She then left. Just her being at the house mad my body feel extremely warm and my emotions go crazy. I started to sweat like crazy.

I just had a hard time tonight on my knees in prayer. I can not bare this pain alone. I want my family and wife back. Why has this happen to me? I would do anything to have my family back. Why has my wife done this to us? Why is all I can think and she won't open to me at all. I am in tears and pain that I wish upon no one.

We talked last Saturday but she really had nothing much to say to the simple questions I asked. She said she felt the same still at this point and not attracted to me. I'm not sure if she said that out of anger or to be mean. She will not do marriage counseling unless she has decided to work on it. She is going to IC and so am I but I have no idea what issues she is working through other than communication issues and supposedly her feelings about me. She leaves me in the dark just making me wait for some unknown time frame. This is a living hell.

Well went to my IC today and had to rehash a lot of stuff since it had been 2 weeks or so. I told my IC that I'm detaching and had read the DB book. My IC knew the author immediately and liked that I was letting go. We chatted about what that meant to me and I said just not worrying about her in any aspect. It was a fairly good session.

I know the issue I need to work for me is control. I have tried to control things in my life to provide my self comfort or happiness, at least that was always my intention. As I reflect I know I have smothered my wife and probably not let her do the things she wanted to do. I never had bad intentions just always thought I was doing what was best for my family and she never communicated well to a different fact. I don't want to be that way and that is part of my LRT or 180. I need to just let her do what she is going to do. That is my goal for now.

My wife did come over to get the camera on Sunday even though I didn't know she was coming because I didn't see her text until the garage was already opening. We really didn't talk other than she asked if I saw her text and she asked for the camera which I said it was down stairs. I went to see my son for a second in the car and asked my wife if she needed any more toys for Ian since she complained about that in a text to me.

Anyway I'm trying to go somewhat dark as Gal Man suggested. I have not texted or emailed her unless she texted me first which is usually about my son. It hurts this detaching process but I need to do it as far as I can tell. Thanks for all the good advice on here on keep it coming.

Well I'm still not convinced right now that my wife has not cheated. She denied every time I asked and she even got mad at me when someone supposedly told her that I had been looking at the phone records and was calling all the numbers which is only partially true. I did look at the phone records but was not calling all the numbers. I did figure out over time many of them were males which did not make me happy. She texts me a while back when she supposedly found out that I was looking at the records that I had assume the worst. We exchanged text and I said screw it I'm calling her. She would not tell me who told her this (I'm pretty sure it was her drunk grandma that heard it from a brother) but I told her what do you want me to assume considering the circumstances. She asked my why I had not talked to her about it and I couldn't believe she even asked me the question. She wouldn't talk about us through text, email, phone, in face or any other form so why would I call her to ask is she was cheating on me or calling guys. She claimed the person she was calling has a sick or dying mom and that they did have late conversations and texting. I somewhat believe her because the guys which I know his name now is very religious but my wife has erased all her info of her Facebook when she dropped the bomb.
There was a pic posted by a supposed friend of the girl she is living with with a guys arm around her and her married friend. I told her I saw that and she claims it is just a friend. I asked her if she was dating anyone or seeing guys and she said no but she wants to but that would not be right. I think I might have posted that earlier. My wife has pushed away her entire family except for her father that she never really liked before and was the one that cheated on her mom and divorced her. Hmmm?

What does everyone think here about possible affairs.

I have been doing better at detaching. I have had not contact with her except when she asked me if I was going to pay the daycare lady this week. I said "Yep". The pain is getting less and less but still hard.

My wife claimed last time I talked to her that she was working on her communication problems and her feelings about me. I think now it is probably because she has cheated but I know she will never confirm that unless she decides to come back and maybe not then.

My wife is going to a psychiatrist early next month but I'm not suppose to know that. Her counselor is supposedly helping her get in so whatever her counselor sees points to major issues as well which cheating with psychiatric problems in not unusually at all. Not sure what to think but I will GAL and LRT for now until I think I know more. Please chime in people as to what you think. Thanks.

snowman,
Sorry you are here, but you have come to a great place for support and wisdom. I am a relative newbie, and a bit older, but I would say to take to heart the advice you are being given here. The one hopeful aspect about your situation that I see is that your w is still going to IC. GALING AND Detaching is important, esp the GAL. If you are listening to the Love Dare, like I am, you are probably getting some good stuff out of it. I can see where you might think it conflicts with the LRT, but the message of faith is still very helpful.

Sit tight, continue to work on yourself, and listen to the others on this board,
I wish you all the luck!

snowman,
Giving your sitch some further consideration... I would also suggest that you consider finding a divorce/separation support gorup in your area. I have joined two different ones in the last two months, the friendships I am forming and the information I am getting have been invaluable in helping me cope with my sitch.
Good luck!

Snowman,

I feel for you, your situation is very, very hard. Based on your description of events, your wife got to a place where she felt "trapped" -- either because you were controlling, or she felt helpless without you being controlling, etc. When people feel trapped, they get worse and worse until they have a crisis and make a change. This may explain your wife's behavior, it may not be mental illness, it may be a relationship problem. I was convinced that my W was depressed for years and possibly bipolar, but when we fixed the M and I started providing the emotional things she needed, the mental health issues were gone. Don't jump to that conclusion *yet*.

Anything you do right now to pursue your wife will make her fear "falling back into the trap" and once again feeling loss of control. That's why GAL Man's list of 35 rules to live by above is so important.

You may also want to read "Tough Love". It suggests that when your W pulls away, the ONLY appropriate response for you is to pull away in the opposite direction. That's the only way to get her to try to connect back. If she takes a step right, and you take a step right, she's going to take another step right, and eventually start running to get away. If she steps right and you step left, and then take another step left, she will stop stepping right, and may eventually step back to where she was. i.e. the more you pursue, the farther she will run, and the more ground you then need to reclaim. I wrote a long post on this in response to "am I getting flushed down the toilet" on this forum, see if you can find that -- his situation is very similar and the timing is about the same too.

Know that if your W is on a spending binge, you may find yourself responsible for half the marital debt if it comes to D, so you may want to see a lawyer both about your custody rights and your financial exposure.

The best thing you can do right now is GAL -- try using www.meetup.com to look for things in your area. When your W calls or comes by, the best thing you can do is to "have something going on" where you appear happy -- i.e. have friends there, be on your way out to do something fun, etc. You need to once again be an attractive person to be around, and that requires you to act as if you're having good times following you around. If she comes by and you're sitting at the kitchen table with your head in your hands, that's not going to be a very attractive scene to want to be part of. I know it's hard, but you have to FAKE IT for now. Eventually you'll just be doing it and not faking it.

Also, you should set some rules about when she can come over, and what she can do when she gets there. Set some boundaries, this helps to establish respect. You cannot control her, or set rules for her behavior, but you can establish that she can't just come by anytime she wants, she needs to call first -- that will allow you time to prepare so that you're in a good mental state and appear "fun". When she gets there, she can't rummage through your stuff, if she needs something she needs to ask for it, that kind of stuff. Establish that your life is your life, you will be friendly and helpful, but you also have boundaries.

Helpful?

Accuray

Well feel like I have done pretty good at not worrying about my W or contacting her unless necessary or she contacted me. She emailed me yesterday asking how our S was since I had him for the last couple of days. I said he was good and had a good time playing with him. She then emails me moments later asking if she can transfer money out of our savings to her account and how much we have in our other savings account. I ask her how much she was going to transfer and if it was to fix her car or other things. She said I will transfer X dollars which happens to be half the amount in there. I have already transferred my half out of the account into a savings that I have not touched and I told her that when I did it a while ago but I don't think she remembers. I told her ok you can transfer the money and didn't have to figures on the other account with me. I'm not excited about her asking this because I think she has racked up debt already and needs money to make payments on credit cards. It feels like she keeps pushing on situation down the slippery slope even farther. I know she needs to fix a hole in her bumper that recently happened and I said that was fine but I doubt the money is for that.

I'm not sure the no contact is working or not but I'm sticking to it for now. Last time I talked to her I did set rules about coming to the house to get stuff that she needed to contact me first so I think we are ok there.

I'm working on GALing and will be hanging out with a buddy that is going through his own marriage problems. I have not hang out with this friend for a long time. It should be good.

I'm working on my fix-it or control behavior that I think it is my problem in the marriage. I recognize it and I'm doing 180 for it. i don't know where this is all going and it feels like my wife is deadset on her decision. I'm starting to loose confidence in her and this situation. I will give it more time to see.

Well I did what I'm not suppose to do and checked our cell records and her Facebook. The texting and phone calls to men has not stopped. Also, there was a message from one of the guys in question talking about their chat last night on the phone. He was saying how great she was and everything else. He sympathized with her about divorce since he has been. He said he would like to date her in the future and understands they will just be friends now. If this doesn't confirm a affair I don't know what does. Not sure what to think or do now. Seems like she is getting her attention from others instead of me and sounds like she is very close to the path of divorce.

Not sure what to do at this point???