Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Time For Change

I agree with the other posters, except I would let her come to you. Give her space. You have scared her with the blowup. She may be afraid of what will happen next. Let her see that you may have gotten angry, but you are in control of yourself again. And I do agree that om was probably her sounding board when she didn't know what to do about you and your R. Like MrBond said, make YOU the better man.

And that's a very good idea, that jon29 said, to ask at your next meeting if others have this problem even after getting sober, and any suggestions on how to keep it under control.

vc

Thanks guys, seems I need all the help I can get right now!!

So moving forward, im maintaining the darkness, I have to be consistent

I'll have the kids my nights as agreed and let all forms of communication comes from her, let her take control

As for him?
He's older than me, and not as good looking!! Ha ha

But he has no ties, his kids are grown up

So when he's in town, is pure escapism, it's not real life
There's no pressures of real life, it's a freedom to go wherever they want, no kids, they are with me, just fun

She has used the term, I can go out and have a laugh

My plan is for now to remain constant, calm and dark

It's not real, he won't want 2 young kids to look after when he's about, he just wants fun

So I be the family man, steady and consistent
The father her kids love and she admires
The man she was always physically attracted to, but had lost the emotional side she wanted
I think we both stopped laughing, we had lovely house, 2 great kids, 2 good careers, but with that brought pressure, pressures of time, of bills, and of work, it looked great from the outside, but inside it was hard to maintain, and I really think it affected us
We stopped being a couple, and became parents and professional people
We stopped being us???

Can I give what he can, no
But can he give what I can?? Does he want to even?

I just have to leave her decide what works for her

I think I was well on the way with that over the last few weeks, but that's wrecked now!!!

So I start again and make sure I don't slip up this time!!!

You're thinking superficially again about the OM. What needs did he fulfill for her? If it was escapism, was he fun and exciting? If it was stability, did he listen to her? That's what you need to figure out. Find a way to fill those needs in your W and all the other stuff about family will be a plus.

While family is great, remember that she's a woman. See her as an independent woman and not your wife or the mother of your children. That's how the OM sees her.

That's really easy to say but hard to do

Yes I can give more compliments, be more attentive, more interested in her, but its hard to provide excitement at the moment?

I adore this woman and love how she looks, but I can't do much about all that for now?

I can't just offer to take her out, we don't talk!!

Although we did all go for lunch as a family last month, and I asked her on a date, pursuing I know, but she didn't reply, but it didn't affect our relationship and friendship??

She knows me, so there is no hidden excitement
Maybe that's a gal I need to do???

She knows me too well, so I'm a little stuck

I think me being me without the drink and anger is all I need to be, but it has to be consistent over a period of time, 12 months? Who knows

Once I can prove that to her, then everything might fall into place???

But for now I have to back off again and leave her alone

You're focussing too much on the goal rather than the steps to get to that goal.

For example, when you pick up the kids, you can casually say, "that outfit looks great on you". And then just stroll away. Think of them as small mini bombs rather than a nuke.

No excitement? Start changing your attitude, your dress, etc. Start doing something different even if it's with your kids. Say for example you take them somewhere you've never been with your W that is not typically what you would do. Then when the kids go back to your W, they'll tell her what you did and she'll start to wonder. See?

Alot of what I just saw in your previous post was self-defeating. Time to get off your @$$ and show you're different rather than saying you are.

That's why DB is made up of baby steps. Remember it's a marathon not a sprint.

Hi, DC, what did you enjoy doing for fun before you met W? Is there anything you did as a child or wanted to do that you would want your kids to experience? There are many ways that a spouse can see us as new and exciting rather than the same boring (to them) H or W. Go shop for some cool new jeans and shirts. It's almost Fall, so we all need some fresh new style for the season.

It will eventually get old with your W that om can only come in once in a while.

vc

Thanks guys

I just hope this latest episode hasn't banged the last nail in the coffin!!!

All of the advice, compliments, talking, clothes, her being interested in me, was all happening, we were really connecting, she even told her family how well we were getting on, how happy the kids were etc.

Then he comes back into the picture and BOOM!!!!

So I know what I have to do, and I know what works.

What I have identified is that I need to get control over the OM issue, this is really hard, but has to be done.

If I had of continued the way it was and managed to control that anger I would now be still in contact with my wife, still talking and laughing, and maybe sowing a little doubt in her mind.

Now it's just pushed her further away!!!!!

But she also knows how good it could be, I know I totally over reacted, and I regret it, but I hurt, I need to let go, I say it, I know it, but it's hard.

So I just stay away,and wait.

On a positive note, I'm doing a Sprint Triathlon tonight!!!
Half mile swim, 15 mile cycle, and 3 mile run

Its only a taster but I'm looking forward to it, I told the kids about it last night and they sounded really excited, I'm sure that will get back to her!!!!

I need to keep off these boards, It only makes me think more about her, I need to stop, and get on with my life and what I want.

Thanks

Hi, DC, I hope you are doing well today. Good luck in the triathlon!! Yes, by all means, spend less time here if you think it is hurting you. But, if you need advice, this is a good place to be in addition to your counselor, and AA. The people here are going through what you are going through. Some of us are at the beginning of the hell that is PA, EA, MLC etc. Some of are somewhere in the middle, muddling through, hoping the spouse sees our changes, and some of us are near the end of it, actually making a reconciliation work. Some of us, unfortunately, have not had the happy ending we expected, but have gained strength and confidence in ourselves to face the future without our spouses, and learned that a joyful life still awaits us someday.

I got the best advice ever from this site, as well as the books recommended by others, like DR and DB. I wouldn't have known to seek out a counselor who was pro saving M's; Christian-based. I wouldn't have known to stop pursuing H while EA/PA was going on. I wouldn't have known to bite my tongue a thousand times a day; not saying what I really wanted to say, but instead saying "I am sorry you feel/felt that way".

Once things were better, and on the way to a R, I stopped coming here as much. I would come and check in on my favorite people and check out other threads occasionally, and see how others are keeping their changes going. I also come here to see what the newbies are doing to begin their journey.

The occasional 2x4's we all get from time to time are not from uncaring people, so don't take them as such. We have all become like an extended family that is spread all over the world. So, MrBond is like your brother, 25, like your big sister, me like a goofy cousin, and we all want you to succeed.

Do what is best for you; we will be here for you however often you are here.

Good Luck again, on the triathlon!
vc

Well so much for keeping away!!

I just keep thinking I might find something new that I haven't thought of to help?

So, after reading some of the posts, I sent my wife a text, basically said sorry for the outburst, its none of my business, and I hope we can try and get along for the kids sake and if she needs help with extra childcare I will do what I can to help, as they are the innocent party in all of this, no answer, no problem.

I did the triathlon sprint last night, well, I did the 750m swim, the 15mile cycle, but I got a major cramp in my leg about 1.5miles into the 3mile I had targeted, but for my first try I was really pleased, going to try again next week.

When I spoke to the kids last night, my S was asking about it straight away, he sounded excited about it, my D mentioned was I going in the olympics!!!!, Haha!!

So I have them again tonight, we will go out to eat somewhere, I'll let them choose.

I cannot help getting upset about how much worry the kids are going through, at first it was said that the split was only temporary, but the longer this goes on, and the seriousness of it must be affecting them, or at least playing on their mind, especially my son, I don't want to ask him about it, as I know it upset him, but it is a concern

I am really trying to forget about my wife, I'm making plans and have things that I want to try, but at the end of the day, she is the love of my life, my best friend,and I want her involved with what I do, I want to tell her about last night, and see her laugh when I say about the cramp, and the pain I was in.

They say never give up hope and trying, but the hope and trying hurts somethimes.

Hey DC, glad you did so well in your first try at a triathlon. And it is so cute that your kids think the Olympics await.

It's good that you apologized to your W. I am sure that was hard for you.

My S didn't want to talk about it, either, but would sometimes out of the blue ask questions. I would answer the best I could, and let him know I was always there any time to talk, when he wanted.

At the end of the day, when you are thinking about how much you love your W, steel your resolve to keep the changes going, and to be the best you can be in all aspects of your life. It won't go unnoticed.

I agree with what they say, never give up hope even if it hurts like heck, it will make you a stronger person. I have faith in you that you can do it. It may take a long time, but you have lots of friends here to help with any issues. Remember you are not alone.

vc