Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLC Only lasted 1 month? It seems unlikely....

I am kinda a newbie, but agree with the others. I hope I am wrong but please be on your guard. In my sitch, my W dropped the bomb, but was apparently over it in 1 week. It took a whole year+3 months after to get the 2nd bomb with more bravado. Please continue to make the changes for you! Remember a true MLC is a rollercoaster and even thought the first hill seemed drastic and short, it usually is a baby bump compared to the rest of them and it is a looooong ride. Mine is just starting, and I wish i would have seen this back when the 1st bomb hit.

My advice is to read and reread the DB and DR books. Also read the resources that Cadet will probably give to you. They are very, very helpful. Take care of yourself the best you can, and for gosh sakes, don't backslide from your hard earned changes! Lord knows that I did the 1st time and it probably help me get into the sitch i am in now (not necessarily good) .

Good luck and I am prayin' for ya!

Will - I read posts like yours and people's replies and it hurts. I don't believe that even in my wife's condition, that she would pursue another man, but reading stuff like this and from Test M. I can't help but feel naieve.

My W is a great mother with strong family ties, but the more I read into stuff about MLC and look at our past, I see that she has a pretty low self esteem. She was always popular and outgoing and now that I think of it, she always did things for others and I think that's why she's having such a rough go of this. She has no self identity and doesn't know where to find it.

Will, if you're sitch is 'seemingly' normal, then perhaps try something new with your W. I can't see where it's all bad if in your efforts to work on you, you do something new with your W and share -> you. I don't know that anyone has mentioned that you can do things with your W if she's willing and still GAL. Much of my problems in the past have been about saying, but not doing. My current situation has turned me into a do-er and not just a talker. Even if I don't have my W wanting to join me. Maybe it's better that way. I don't know.

".....if I was her, would I be attracted to me? I can see where my pleading her to stay or begging or making her feel guilty or showing how great our M was is not going to make me look attractive......"

That was where I finally "got it". I wanted so bad to help my W see how much I love her and that I care. It was when I took a hard look at me that I resented what I had become. I thrived on my own independence when my W and I met and here I was "needing" her.

I'm glad to see you are here so early on in the process of MLC. It took me a year to get here. I don't know what it will look like when my W gets to the end of the tunnel. She's in deep and if we could afford a D she'd have left last year. I do believe she resents me even more because she chooses to sleep in the living room and because my kids always ask where she is, she still has to tell me things she feels is none of my business.

Sadak,

Not every WAS has an affair.
Not every MLC WAS has an affair, either.

HOWEVER, the number of those that do is high enough that it makes sense to at least perpare mentally for the chance.

I can't think of any poster who said, "My wife/husband would have an affair at the drop of a hat."

Normally, it's more, "She/he would never do that in a million years."

So saying...not all of them do.

Jack - I do appreciate the words of encouragement. Seems as though it's easier on the nerves hearing it from an outside source.

I am continuing with my research on my wife's journey and I find that the wording people and/or authors use makes it easier to see where certain cases apply. My W had mentioned to me that she was depressed/angry. I've read some stuff where MLC can be slowly brought on as a woman has trouble coping with "sagging" and greying. I do see that in my W. She's in great shape for 40, but seems to refuse to see it because she's not "toned". We've also grown apart over the last 3 years because I got so involved with trying to succeed in a new job, although the third year it's because she went into full bore MLC mode.

I don't know how to reconnect with her. That's my sticking point. I'm missing something.

I have my own life that I live and don't pester her or shy away from her as though I'm scared of her. For a few months now I've felt as though I have my backbone again, but that's not all that I need to succeed. Something's still missing.

She's reliving her 20's and I can see it's not working out for her, but she refuses to accept 'life'. I know there's something I can do, I really believe it but my moment hasn't presented itself yet.

This would be much easier if she was more reflective and less dependent on social interaction. It's hard to see the truth of your current reality when your hanging out with people that condone your behavior.

It frustrates me that she wants to have our oldest son see a therapist for anger issues, but she refuses to see that she might need one as well. I see the anger issues directly related to him being scared and confused by his mother sleeping in the living room and going out almost every night. But that's okay, it's all my fault, just ask my W she'll tell ya.

Ct, Thank you for your support and for sharing your experience. It truly helps!

Saturday morning we got up, shared coffee together in the back porch and my W declared she wanted to be in the R and that she was committed to us. She says she has no desire to be anywhere else or with anyone else. Of course, I am delighted. She said the fog seems to have lifted.

As easy as it is to call this crisis over, I know better. Even if my W is in a good place, I still have growing to do. One of the threads I read said, "Put yourself in the other person's place and imagine going through that portion of the day where you are in it with them". "if you were them, would you want to be with that spouse"? I got to thinking about what is it that my W sees when she looks at me? Am I really working at being a more mature, fun to be with, adventurous, etc.... person?

So, no matter what happens with us, I have work to do. I am very hopeful that we are doing better. I have quite a bit about me already and about the way I treat her and interact with her but there is more. This is a lifetime deal and I see that now. I guess it is time to read some more, journal a little, confirm the next counseling session, and get outside to enjoy the nice weather we are having today. What a difference a day can make!

Willing1

Ct, Thank you for your support and for sharing your experience. It truly helps!

Saturday morning we got up, shared coffee together in the back porch and my W declared she wanted to be in the R and that she was committed to us. She says she has no desire to be anywhere else or with anyone else. Of course, I am delighted. She said the fog seems to have lifted.

As easy as it is to call this crisis over, I know better. Even if my W is in a good place, I still have growing to do. One of the threads I read said, "Put yourself in the other person's place and imagine going through that portion of the day where you are in it with them". "if you were them, would you want to be with that spouse"? I got to thinking about what is it that my W sees when she looks at me? Am I really working at being a more mature, fun to be with, adventurous, etc.... person?

So, no matter what happens with us, I have work to do. I am very hopeful that we are doing better. I have changed quite a bit about me already and about the way I treat her and interact with her but there is more change needed. This is a lifetime deal and I see that now. I guess it is time to read some more, journal a little, confirm the next counseling session, and get outside to enjoy the nice weather we are having today. What a difference a day can make!

Willing1