Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Another crisis.....but H opening up now

I do see changes in H's behaviour since we had the talk.

This whole time that he has been away, he has been emailing me pictures of where he has been, the food he is eating. This is something he has been doing with OW a lot, and not with me for the past year.

He has been in touch, he asked me to call him 2x of which I did once, and he called yesterday. He makes small talk during our calls.

I sense an effort on his part to communicate and connect.

I am not sure how to act when we are talking; I am worried that my cheerfulness will come across as contrived. Before, in the past, I would be so excited if he called, but now I no longer feel that way. I actually worry more about what I am going to say to him.

I want to keep on concentrating on myself, and not be distracted by what he says or does. I have moved on from working on patience, to now working on letting go of my anger and resentment. And also my domineering and controlling ways.

One thing at a time. Not that I get the patience part fully!

Angel,
For what It's worth, I think u did good by emailing ur h after u felt like u messed up. U r showing yourself that u r committed to changing behavior that u r not happy with. Because these changes r for u.

"Temptation comes in through the door we intentionally leave open." I wish I knew who said that originally.

I removed the objects of my temptation.

As for overcoming 'bad' (to me) behaviour? Its a matter of what I want. Do I want those behaviours to control me? Or do I want to control those behaviours? One gives me a better chance to meet the goals I set for myself.

And even now I still struggle at times...but only occasionally.

Hi Angel,

You asked a few posts back, "those of you who have successfully turned your lives around: How did you do it? How long did it take? How did you change even just one aspect of your behaviour that has been ingrained in your psyche since you were born, just because you realize that it is not the right thing? How could you stop from letting yourself slide down the old familiar ways? What kind of vigilance is required for this?"

Clearly there can be no one-plan-fits-all solution, but I wanted to describe what worked for me. A day came when I realized I had to make a choice whether to stand for the M, or give up on my H. I spent the day in bed crying (my H had just admitted that part of him knew he and the OW were not "just friends"), but beyond the enormous hurt and betrayal, I asked myself whether I still loved H--and realized I did. So I determined to act towards him from a place of love, not hurt.

I also thought through all the ways I'd behaved (and things I'd refused to do in the M) and considered whether those actions represented the "best" me. I could see, historically, what issues in my life caused me to behave in ways I was less than proud of, but I forgave myself for those and determined to change.

Of course, some days I found myself backtracking a bit, but I'd reaffirm that this was not how I wanted to be, I'd mentally investigate why I slipped up, I'd forgive myself, and I would continue toward becoming my ideal self. I actually felt really good about myself as I continued to be the LBS.

I believe the key here is the forgiveness--if you can forgive yourself, you will then be able to forgive your H as well, so that you don't keep reaching a bursting point. Because I notice a bit of a pattern where you routinely describe being frustrated/angry/upset with yourself. Have you tried working with a counsellor on this?

Your initial question was, how do you change something that's been ingrained in your psyche since birth? I don't believe that we're born with issues--we acquire them in response to dynamics in our FOO. As such, it is possible to unlearn them again, and this change represents our finally reaching maturity. Change is possible.

I always look forward to your advice, Cyrena. Thank you for sharing, other peoples experiences are very valuable, especially in cases where the situations are similar.

That is true; I do seem to have more difficulty than the regular person in keeping my resolve in the dominance and control area. I have worked with a C but because of my understanding of the situation the C does not seem to get a sense of what I perceive is my failure, and seems to turn it around and expect my H to respond to it. I would say the C’s I encounter are of the “two people have to work together for an M to succeed”, and don’t really understand the path I have taken, that of standing and working on myself.

I must really be resistant to letting go, and just have to work double hard at it. Its really a mindset, and thinking back, I come from a FOO that was not cuddly, loving and that pushed me to achieve, be independent and pretty much be a go-getter, and not let gender stop me from achieving what any man could do as well. My mom is a career woman in a male dominated field (and so am I) and has done pretty well, she inspired me to be ambitious but I have also seen how she manipulates my dad to get her way. Needless to say she is very unhappy in her marriage.

I have tried to do the “fake it till you make it” but my H is very perceptive and knows exactly what I am doing. So now I am really coming down hard on myself to do it.

So far these last few days I have been busy trying to identify even the small tings I do that show me that I have not really been able to let go. I now catch myself when I look at OW’s FB page, when I think of conversation scenarios designed to casually catch H if he has seen or talked to OW (which of course never really worked in the past but just pushes H to lie), and at this point really just concentrate on myself.

Gotta let H go …. He asked me to let him handle it his way, end the R with OW his way, and I will just have to trust that he will do it…..in God’s grace…. and if he doesn’t, well, I will just have to deal with that later. In the meantime, I just will do what I need to do.


The keywords you gave me: A place of love, not hurt.... and bringing out the best in me .... I will write down and place in front of me to remind me everyday.

Thanks again and pray for me....

Ugggh.... I received a text from my H meant for OW this morning. It was just a plan "Good morning OW" kind of text. I didn't even see it, so he calls me and starts awkwardly saying "I'm sorry for the text, don't get mad" and I am "what?" and of course, when I heard what he said I just was speechless, and cut the call.

I then called him again, and he says, with a voice that sounds like coming from someone who has his heart in his shoes " you are mad". I said no, I am not, I am hurt.

Somehow, we got to talk about him and OW. He was saying again the they are "just friends",and that he is just helping her with her projects, that she doesn't call him anymore except for those reasons, and he does not talk to her about his problems in our M any longer.

Maybe I should give him the book "Not just friends?" I'm sure everyone will think that is a bad idea though.

Anyway, we ended the conversation on a humorous note: he sighed and said "its not just my day" and told me how he forgot his sunglasses in his rental car, missed his meeting, etc, now this.
It made me sort of laugh, especially in the context of what just happened, and I said "those days happen"

On another note.....

What does it mean when an MLC'er is starting to open up? especially one like my H who is very private and reserved and introverted? Does it mean that he is more open to facing himslef and his problems?

Just this weekend he confided to his brother about his feeling stuck, and our resultant marriage problems. He also confirmed with him though that he was not thinking of leaving his family. I haven't been able to get the full story yet, but he said that everything was just confirming what I told him myself. His brother just listened, he said.

H did seem happier when he got back, and was talking to me a lot even.

Whe his fiasco this morning happened, and I asked him a few questions, I also sensed his openness even with me. He even reminded me of his efforts to make our relationship friendlier, like when he was texting me pictures of his trip, ad commented that he felt we were connecting more.

We are still slated to go to retrouvaille in November, and it doesn't seem like he is resistant. Whatever it is, he seems to be casing around now for some support, rather than going at it all by himself, and in my book, that seems to be more positive than negative.

oops, typos and grammatical errors galore... thats when you get when typing at work .... sorry! The sentences should be:


was even talking to me a lot
casting around for support

Hi Angel,

I found that, somewhere after Replay, my H reserved began to confide in some people he normally would avoid--a bullying boss who loves to gossip, a young female co-worker who had never had a deeply committed relationship, etc--so it's good that your H chose someone more trustworthy and close to him. At the same time, he sometimes wanted openly to share his mental turmoil with me (other times he was withdrawn and cycling). He also discussed his conflict and need to make a choice more openly with OW, I believe, rather than, as had been the case earlier in their "relationship," of pretending they were "just friends" helping each other.

I hope your H can find appropriate support who can help him find his way.

By the way, good work on the way you handled the mis-sent text. But do NOT give him "NJF." Saying "we're just friends" shows he's still in denial and finding ways to hang on to her. He's not ready to understand the book, so it would just look like guilt/control from you if you were to give it to him.

Thank you Cyrena! That confirms my feeling that H is progressing through the tunnel. He also does seem to want to share his mental turmoil with me more openly now, especially when there is a trigger. I am not sure though if I should respond to that by being open as well, but what I have done so far is to sort of share my thoughts as well, but I try to do it in a way that is no longer blame filled or accusatory, and I am truly trying to see it from his point of view and give him the compassion he needs.

You know, earlier in the sitch, my H confided to one friend - and this guy is a huge womanizer, who did not believe in marriage or monogamy. My sense there is that there are some factors that influence who they confide in, mostly about how they will be judged. I think this is what happened to your H during that time. If they confide to people who are worse than they are then of course, the pot can't call the kettle....you know the rest.


In his case, I do feel that he has made a choice, and that is why he is able to confide now - he is no longer afraid of the fallout from his wrongdoing because those he confides in will say "you are doing the right thing". Its just a way to justify his misdeeds (he knows I told his brother) and sharing his pain -he is looking for compassion.


My H is just is holding on, can't let go completely yet as of this point.And I know that is the one thing that will be hard for him, unless there is a hard stop (like OW finds someone else, moves away, etc) he will try to hold on. He is the type of person who has long term interests - unlike me, I always have been a flitter, a restless soul.

Thank you again for sharing your experiences. I am going through all the same experiences as you.... its amazing ....I think truly, you are one of my guardian angels! I wish I could get to know you more. Do you happen to be on the alt?