I don't want to make the situation worse. I'm going to validate and apologize for the perceived slight.. and treat it like no more of a big deal then that.
Thought about mentioning tonight that I have not shown him anger at him moving out of the family home and into another woman's home... and that him showing me anger for this slight is maddening.
Thought about how that would play out.... yaaaaah... it wouldn't play out well. He'd get defensive and more angry. :S
Could he be starting to lash out because I'm withdrawing? I've been, admittedly, pursuing... and after he requested separation and stated that he wouldn't be living here anymore I decided I'm just done with it... pursuing.. treating him like my H.... I've been following the 37 rules without having to force myself now. Feels more natural. I'm not texting him a million times a day because I don't want to anymore. I'm not initiating contact because the periods of time where there is no contact is a blessed relief.
He must be noticing that I've abandoned the chase. I just... I just feel done with it.
good job lucky on the 37 rules. I've been following them to the letter for a week - and if you read my thread, it's worked, at least in some ways.
I think that MIL thing was ridiculous. Your MIL kinda sounds like mine. Bleahhhh.... H over-reacted, and you're right. He's noticed your lack of pursuit. Don't send ANY texts or call unless it's vital. If he calls/texts you -- wait wait wait to reply unless it's vital. (vital = emergency/kiddos)
How are you doing emotionally today? I know you said you're 'done with it' but how are you doing?? I have those moments where i tell someone who does not know about W and I and I tear up/cry a bit. That happens to us ALL. (HUGS)!!!
You are trying so hard to save your family. I am certain from reading all your sitch and following you that you will definitely succeed in personal growth that H will likely never attain. Take care
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
How are you doing emotionally today? I know you said you're 'done with it' but how are you doing?? I have those moments where i tell someone who does not know about W and I and I tear up/cry a bit. That happens to us ALL. (HUGS)!!!
(Hugs back) Thanks I.S.... you're a sweetheart. <3
You're right.. even tho' I chose not to contact H first about babysitting.. it is his right to feel a little miffed.. but I think he certainly over-reacted. It's nothing to get angry over, imo.
Today I am in emotional flux, I.S.... angry... sad... and finally settling on "okay"... altho' I am feeling nervous about him coming over tonight. Going to try and keep things light and fluffy. Don't want heavy talk. Especially with the range of emotions I've been playing with today.
Yeah.. I've been tearing up a lot when I've been slowly telling people about my separation. Cried on Librarian Girl's shoulder for quite a bit last night.
Took my little girl out to preschool today. Tomorrow my kids go to an indoor playgroup in the morning and my boy has gymnastics in the evening, after which H will take them back to my place (I'm getting better at saying "my" place and not formerly "our" place) and put them to bed for me so I can go to that free bellydancing open house. Then Thursday both kids have some preschool and kindergarten, then I work in the evening.. then son has a full day of kindergarten on Friday... thenthenthenthenthen..... whew!
I am so grateful and happy to be busy! Goodbye painful, slow summer. Hello cool, busy autumn.
LC! I feel for you, and I think you're exactly right... he is noticing the change. My H did almost the exact same thing. I think they do that for a couple of reasons...
1. to get a reaction because you've stopped pursuing (he's wondering what's up with you, you're not taking the bait so he is pushing the familiar buttons) 2. feeling some serious guilt, about you and the kids
People keep saying on the threads that the WAS has to know what it is to miss you- what life is really going to be like when they finally climb the fence to the 'greener grass'. Sounds like he might have found the weeds...
BTW, I cracked up at your 'poke the bear' comment, that's exactly how I describe my H's temper!
Cleaning up before he comes this evening. Taking a lot of his stuff off shelves and putting it in a box. (He's sure to notice.) It's my place now. There's something slightly exciting and mostly sad about that.
I'm not texting him a million times a day because I don't want to anymore. I'm not initiating contact because the periods of time where there is no contact is a blessed relief.
Except for the one night that I had to fight a craving to text him so we could connect.
Well now! Seems God has taken some pity on me. I was so nervous about H coming over tonight.. he took the pressure off. H surprised me by phoning around the kid's bedtime (instead of showing up as was expected) and saying goodnight to them that way.
I had spent the whole afternoon getting ready for him. Making sure I looked good (but not dolled up.. there is a fine line and I don't want to go overboard) and clean, clean, cleaning the place. I've always relied on him to help me tidy up around the house after my two little hurricanes tear it apart on a daily basis and I want to show him that I can handle the housework just fine on my own without him. Not only was I cleaning but I was moving things around, reorganizing, packing some of his things away, redecorating a bit.
I want him to see change. And confidence.
Then he phoned up to say that he was running late.. everything was running late and he couldn't make it tonight.
Well now...
I've got a nice clean house now and no one to show it off to. So I phoned my friend Librarian Girl and my brother and they're coming over for popcorn and a movie.
Not sure why he backed out of tonight... don't really care.. tonight I am not disappointed. I am relieved. I inquired "Is everything okay?" and he responded with a vague "Everything is running behind.. can't make it out."
Oh well....
He's turning into more and more of that stranger I remember from 2008 who left me for OW#1... everyday I am noticing more and more similarities...
I'm starting to feel like less of a doormat. Starting to think more along the lines of "*this* is what he has to do to win *me* back!" instead of "what can I do to win *him* back?".
A position that's not without it's sadness... but I feel more in control of myself today.
Clover's roller coaster today is riding on "relief" and "contentedness".
Had a great day.. even a great evening. Went to S's gymnastics (he loves it.. H was a grump there but I didn't let that get me down), then H took the kids back to my place and I went to my bellydancing meetup... turns out I can't do bellydancing this year.. it doesn't work my with schedule.. but that's okay.. I had fun at the open house. It let out early so I met up with a friend for coffee and then went back home.
He was quiet and withdrawn. And then I noticed it... he had packed up all his stuff. All his clothes.. all his books.. all his decorations... even his pillow. Gone.
And the house is filled with gaps.. gaps and holes.. empty spaces that he used to fill. Now they're like open wounds...
Logically I knew it was going to happen but I wasn't prepared to see it. All my DBing went out the window and I started to weep. All my "I'm fine with this" disappeared and I cried..... in front of him. I was sad and sick with myself at the same time.
He slunk out of the house.. but not before saying that it was time for him to go home. First time he's called K's place "home" and not just "the place I'm staying". He's taking all his stuff "home".
Dammit. I wanted this not to hurt!!!!! It hurts so much...
He tried to hug me as I was crying and I told him I couldn't hug him. It's hard to hug someone who is walking out the door.
And then he said "You have a knack with words for making people feel badly."
I responded that I'm not trying to... I'm just pointing out the obvious.
Then he was gone... after making the arrangement that I bring the kids to work with me tomorrow and he pick them up there so that he doesn't have to face my mother who usually babysits on my work days.
I've got all these crazy questions for God now... like "Why am I so easy to walk away from?" and "Why do I miss a man that is living with woman number three since we've been married?" And I don't know if I want to hear the answers. I don't know if they're even important.
What happened to my mojo? All it took was my H walking out the door with his suitcase and I lost it all. My courage fell to my feet.
And now I feel like a LBS again.
It's a darn good thing I don't keep alcohol in this house.
