T You are a great guy and have done so much to work on yourself to be a better person. You will not be alone forever and no matter if it is your W or another woman they will be very lucky to have the new and improved T!!
So I will remain patient, continue to work on me, be grateful for the support I'm getting from my kids and my friends and try oh so hard to not think about my W nearly every minute.
This is the mantra, Tele. There are ups and downs, good days and bad days, but we need to keep moving forward and keep the faith as much as possible. Be strong, and hang in there.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I realized that I had lost myself in both of my marriages. I always wanted to please and gain the approval of my Ws, and I became this wishy-washy half-assed version of myself. Coupled with the below-the-surface anger and resentment I had been carrying with me since I was a wee lad, it was a recipe for eventual disaster; a true Jekyll-and-Hyde person. While I am not owning 100% of my marriage failures, I can see where I made big contributions.
I hear you there, Telemark. Now's the opportunity to become the full version of yourself and not look back. Time to unload the baggage.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
If my W hits rock bottom, sees that her new life is just another escape route and wants to try to reconcile, it would be a test of my changes. Could I remain the person I am becoming, or would I slip back into old patterns and have to endure this pain all over again?
That's up to you. I think the best thing you do right now, regardless of what the outcome may be, is to work hard to make the changes permanent.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
The D has not been filed. The OM has not moved in (although his mother arrived Sunday). So I will remain patient, continue to work on me, be grateful for the support I'm getting from my kids and my friends and try oh so hard to not think about my W nearly every minute.
One day at a time, Telemark. I know from experience that's easier said than done. It's hard not to look ahead.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
I have to remember that God has a plan for me. I haven't the slightest clue what that plan is, but I suppose it will be revealed when He is ready to reveal it.
I think if we try to speculate on it, we end up making it way too small. I guess we were "privileged" enough to go through this trial. He has decided we're strong enough to go through this junk. Some glimpses of His plan may be some of the changes you've made, some of the new people you've met, some of the self reflection you've been able to do, and some of what you've seen of your S & D stepping up to the plate. Your story is being written right now. Make the most of it. You will have something to share in the not too distant future.
MTS, I have read your story; didn't realize you've changed your screen name.
I felt it was needed. Give myself a new direction of sorts I suppose. Help me remember everything I need is within me by virtue of He who is in me...just have to access it. Easier said than done, but doable nonetheless.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
I did just finish reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Every page I would stop, shake my head and say to myself, "That's me. To a T". I think the title should be No More Mr./Mrs/Miss Nice Person, because I could also see my W there very clearly. If you have not read this book, buy it. Read it. Even if you think you are the world's biggest prick, there will be something in there to use.
If someone told me one year ago that this is where I would be today, I would have had them committed.
I can't help but laugh at your last sentence because I say that to myself each day. I have that book too but I've yet to read it. I know, from what's been described to me, that I'm "THAT GUY" to a T as well.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
There was nothing in our marriage that could not have been healed with honesty and open communication. But it was easier for her to run away than face the work that had to be done. It will be only a matter of time until her new love life sours, too, and the cycle will repeat itself.
Perhaps I will now be able to look forward more than I look back. I am sad that she was able to cut me out of her life so effortlessly, but I have been blessed with a growing relationship with God, great kids and great friends; that sustains me.
Unfortunately this is all too common in our sitches and in society as a whole today. Thankfully we are in this world but not of this world. A friend of mine sent me to 1 Peter 3:8-17 last night...check it out but I focused intensely on the later portion of that chunk of scripture:
...Honor Christ and let him be the Lord of your life. Always be ready to give an answer when someone asks you about your hope. Give a kind and respectful answer and keep your conscience clear. This way you will make people ashamed for saying bad things about your good conduct as a follower of Christ. You are better off to obey God and suffer for doing right than to suffer for doing wrong.
You're acting honorably Telemark and that will be honored in the long run. We all reap what we sow, sooner or later. I think it is common that we each have the goal of trying to sow as much good in our sitches as possible. You have to take comfort in the fact that your good will be rewarded in the form of fruits...just sometimes takes more time than we'd like for that fruit to grow and be ripe for the picking.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
I have to remember that God has a plan for me. I haven't the slightest clue what that plan is, but I suppose it will be revealed when He is ready to reveal it.
Just be a willing vessel, TM...He will do the rest. Love & hugs, lc4
I agree with the above posters, Telemark. Based on your postings here on DB, you're a thoughtful, intelligent, talented and compassionate guy. Your wife was loony tunes to let you go and THEN to invite the circus to live with her.
Thanks, MTS. That means a lot to me, as do all of the replies.
I'm doing surprisingly well today. The last few weeks have been very difficult; lots of self-criticism and regrets. I also found myself missing my W more than ever. But I wasn't getting anywhere; just wallowing in my own misery. I'm not sure what helped bring about this turnaround - and who knows how long it will last? - but I'm becoming more comfortable being alone. I also realized I was being very impatient, thanks to lots of people here who gently pointed that out.
I'm trying to squash the feeling of anxiety and urgency to "move things along"; there really is no good reason to hurry along the D proceedings.
I still have a half-empty house, but that's OK...I just paid for my daughter and I to fly down to my son's graduation from basic training the end of October; that's money I am very happy to spend.
Thanks again for checking in.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
He has decided we're strong enough to go through this junk. Some glimpses of His plan may be some of the changes you've made, some of the new people you've met, some of the self reflection you've been able to do, and some of what you've seen of your S & D stepping up to the plate. Your story is being written right now. Make the most of it. You will have something to share in the not too distant future.