Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

Q of S my father always prided himself on two things: "I never cheated on your mother" and "I never laid a hand on her or you kids." But his silence/anger/resentment was plenty tough to handle, and still is.

I used to wish my parents would divorce so my mom could have a better life. To this day he holds himself as better than my XH by far because he never cheated. So 40plus years of emotional abuse is ok?

Frankly I faced far less pain overall with my XH. I had an amazing marriage for a long, long time. My mom probably never had that at all and never will.

I'm sorry for what you faced. My XH was told in therapy that children of alcoholics are often very anxious as adults because they are forced to be perfectionists, and this really has a toll on them when they are older as they beat themselves up for not hitting the mark, and they set their own marks too high because of the expectations placed on them.

Antonia, why do you think your father drinks? All is not well in his rigid little world.

And what has happened over the years to your inner child? The one that needs nurturing and loving unconditionally and made to feel safe, and able to play.

Perfectionist parents suppress ruthlessly the inner child.

Take care of yourself and love your parents as best you can. This does not mean giving in to them. Your dad is emotionally abusive, and clearly very damaged himself. he is probably doing the best he can.

Doesn't let him off the hook, but in general, as we know people do not behave badly who are healthy and happy.

Antonia,

I feel for you, I am sorry that your family is short sighted and bitter. I am not sorry that you are not.

You are the better person.

YOU are not the bad guy. never believe that you are. You're an example that others won't or don't want to live up too, and because of that they are going to want to tear you down.

My mother once said to me, when my wife and I were begining to reconcile. "I don't know that I can forgive her."

That still upsets me, just thinking about it.

My response then is still the same one I would use today.

"If I can forgive her for what she did, you sure as sure can."

Rather than let my family dictate how my moral compass should work to be a part of the family. I told them what was acceptable in order for them to be a part of my family.

Does that sound a bit harsh, or hard? Maybe, if I followed their rules, I'd be tsk-tsking my x-wife with my superior nose in the air ever time I saw her.

Thanks B and J3B.

All I know is that I've come really far and NO ONE is going to make me lose the ground I've gained in my relationship with myself. Not XH, not my parents, not anyone.

This is the first time in my life that I feel really "clear" or "at peace" with myself. I know I'm not acting from a place of manipulation or control or fear (most of the time) and if I am in that place of fear my inner voice/referee blows the whistle and says "time out", think about this.

There is a tremendous freedom in all of that. I'm just going to DB ALL these people, and detach, detach, detach, with love for what they are capable of but not allowing myself to be torn down by any of their drama.

Incidentally, this is all exactly congruent with what I'm learning in my Shambhala Meditation group, which is based on Buddhist teachings...the philosophy is the same. I wonder if MWD is aware of that connection?

Thank you for the empathy Antonia. I am not sorry. In a way it's made me very strong, in other ways it's weakened me. Now I know why and how, it's something to build on.

Yes I agree with you, and the co-dependant relationships and the roles we play within the family to make it function around the person with the addiction are mind blowing. It's not a wonder we choose other children of alcoholics as partners.

Like you up until this year I had the idea that my family, if not perfect, was good, loving and not abusive. So not the case! Once you see the reality it's hard to deny anymore.

And, again I agree with you.
Once you address your own issues of self esteem and figure out it's not behaviourally based, but because,you as a human being, have intrinsic worth and value that NO ONE can take from you; you then are able to feel better about you, forgive yourself, and address your own bad behaviour from a compassionate and understanding place. Then that compassion and understanding you can extend to others as well.



This is a child's view of the world. Children feel they are the masters of their own universe, they believe that that they 'cause' things to happen and take all the blame for the bad things that happen to them. ( Death to divorce and things in between).
They feel so out of control internally, they believe their only mastery is over the external.

Your father like mine, is emotionally stuck at about 6 months old and behaviourally stuck at about 2-3 years of age. (There are reasons for that I've learned but it's too much to get into.)
What he's doing is a classic temper tantrum.
"I don't like peas and you can't make eat them!" Sound familiar?

interestingly my MLC xh, who comes from a family that all his siblings recognise as dysfunctional, does not accept its dysfunctionality.

Prior to MLC he used to admit all was not well, but now it was fine according to him . .. his father could have given Antonia's lessons in self righteous bigotry

Antonia

When I first saw these posts about your father the first thing that came to mind is just how CLEAR it is now that DB’ing is really a lifestyle and not just about saving M’s.

Healthy Boundaries

Sense of Self

Communication

Compassion

Accepting what we can control

Letting go what we cannot control

Responsibility over our own action and not the actions of others

Detachment

IMO, this issue with your father is a perfect example of how DB principals can and should be used in our day to day lives.


WERE is the key word. You should be proud of yourself.


He did because in short you allowed it…but I know you know better now. Right?


Healthy boundaries are for WHO?


Accepting what we can and cannot control.


Amen sista!

Lastly, a few other things you may want to consider.
1) He should not know nor does he or anyone else when and if you talk to XH.
2) You are not responsible for his drinking problem. It is HIS issue.
3) Who is responsible for your emotional health?

I have said often to you that DB is a lifestyle….if you agree now is a perfect time to live it.


Stop trying to understand it sweetie…separate yourself from the madness and focus on your happiness. PERIOD.

Lastly, realize and accept that you are a tramau survivor. You are not what he says you are or how he treated you. It was not your fault...go read my old post about this. The only way HE wins....

Is if YOU BELIEVE IT.

Your better than that!

Peace
Eric

Antonia,

I can really relate to what you said about how by being able to communicate with your Ex-H, you realize that you've 'accepted' the situation at last.

I am not there yet. Every phone call I have to make, every thought of possibly running into him, just fills me with terror because it hurts so bad to be 'reminded' that he is starting a new life with the OW.

I think that in DB terms (and mind you, I have no reason to believe that my R could ever be restored)...but, nonetheless, in DB terms, its obvious that the LBS needs to get where you feel neutral about contact (as you do)...where there is no expectations and no agony when he doesn't come running back to you.

So, even if you're not trying to DB, you've probably reached a point where you could handle putting yourself out there to try in the event the OW was to tragically meet her demise falling into the orchestra pit.

And your Ex-H's "Great Opportunities" mantra that seems to be his unspoken justification for destroying a marriage...well that is the worst excuse for bad behavior I have EVER heard.

Sure, the world would just be FILLED with great opportunities for me if I robbed a bank of ten million dollars - I mean, just think of the new 'personal growth' experiences I could have spending all of that money! But I don't rob a bank because its wrong, and your Ex-H can never justify his affair for the same reason. We aren't entitled to ill-gotten gain...but your Ex-H must think he's the exception.

I'm sorry Antonia, I replied to your prior post before all heck broke loose with your father.

I'm glad you are not going there. You are in the process of trying to forgive your Ex-H FOR YOURSELF - FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.

Your family doesn't get a say in that. At ALL!

Alone, this sentence is hysterical:

"So, even if you're not trying to DB, you've probably reached a point where you could handle putting yourself out there to try in the event the OW was to tragically meet her demise falling into the orchestra pit."

Thank you! That will really stick with me :-)

You know, you're right--I'm not really trying to DB (or am I?) I don't want the old XH back, I want him to be himself without the codependency issues that we both had, because they aren't good for HIM or for anyone he's with. Our problems were VERY similar. We both came from families with their own issues that made us truly codependent people. I've "seen the light." He hasn't. If he does...and he starts to work on himself...and he makes an overture...and I'm not involved with someone....then YES. I could see myself opening the door to reconciliation.

That's a lot of "ifs." But it's not impossible. I changed. So can he. He just needs something to set off his change. Who knows what that might be? It isn't going to be me, though. It's not going to come from my acting like he doesn't exist or being afraid to see him.

So in the meantime, or, for the rest of my life if that's what is meant to be, I'm just living as if we're over. I'm not really actively seeking a relationship. I'm not that uncomfortable being alone. It doesn't eat at me anymore. But if something falls in my lap, and it feels right, then I'll explore that.

I'm not really that neutral YET. I think I'm neutral in my email or text exchanges. I could probably be neutral over the phone if we were to talk. But I don't know if I could handle seeing him without falling apart. I really don't.

I'm taking my doctor's advice on that--she said if you are working towards neutrality, once you feel you can, then you take things as they come. If you have to see him and it becomes a huge effort to get out of seeing him, then see him. If it's no big deal, then don't. But do whatever takes the least energy. That's sort of the definition of neutrality.

Alone, you're so early into this...I am at 15 months post-bomb...so that's probably why the edge is gone now on the pain. That will happen with more time passing for you. But for now it actually is protecting to your psyche that you have that "flight" response. My "flight" response lasted about 5 months or so, then I converted it to "fight"; not fight HIM, but fight my own mind which was keeping me stuck in a pain and blame cycle. I think when the X is disengaged from your life to a large degree, your only "enemy" is your own head, and your head can be REALLY stubborn...