Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Time For Change

Wow, DC, I feel like I am reading a dramatic novel, sometimes.
Your W is making ME mad. I am glad you told her you would not report to her anything about om. Good for you. It's kinda strange, (but she doesn't see it)that she would even want you to find out and tell her if om is bad for her. She needs to see that not all men out in her new free world are going to be decent family men like you. And she needs to make up her own mind about them, and learn that the hard way.

Even though she called you and tried to make nice, be careful, it's just cake-eating. She wants om, and she wants to have you as her husband/best friend on the side. Kinda nasty sounding, huh? Be careful as she tries to pull you back in, as it's not for the right reasons.

You've laid it all on the line with her,; how you feel, what you need and want. She didn't seem to have any response to that.

Keep on with YOUR goals, and if she wants back in, she needs to work for it.
vc

Thanks VC, it is crazy at the minute!!, I'm all over at the moment, but never thought about taking a drink!!!!, I am so happy about that!

I never heard anymore from my wife yesterday after her call, I went to my AA meeting, came out and called the kids.

She answered the phone, I was just polite and asked to speak to the kids, she was fine and shouted them over, the kids sounded really happy to speak to me, and were excited that mum has ordered them a new scooter each??, is this some kind of guilt present???, I was excited for them, and they both told me they love me and missed me, and can not wait for tonight to see me.

She came back on the phone, and just said everything was ok, asked if I had anything to say, I said no, and we both said bye, all polite and calm, thank god!!!!

This morning I sent my usual, " everything ok with the kids" text, and got one back saying "yeah, no probs", I know they are fine and at school, but the fact I'm back to a text instead of a call is noticeable!!!!HAHA

I know I should not snoop, but I've found out a bit about OM

He's a bit of a ladies man, he likes a good drink, I'm surprised that she is with him actually on this alone?, he takes recreational drugs when home, and has a real eye for the ladies, my wife might be the only person he is "seeing" but there are others.

At times I want to tell her this, but whats the point, it will only sound like the comments of an angry rejected person.

I have also thought alot about what I actually want, yes I want my family back, but I'm not 100% sure I want her??

I love her with all my heart, but do I actually want to be with someone who has lied, cheated and sneeked around like she has, I don't think I do anymore?

Knowing what I know now, she has played me like a card for a long time, with lies and excuses for me to have the kids when he's around, and it frankly makes me sick in my stomach.

Her parents have told her she is a fool and been an idiot, she will be thinking about that now, but I cannot say that I actually want to be with her anymore

I'm very confused, but I have to maintain distance and be strong.

I am so looking forward to see my kids tonight

Thanks for listening to my rambling.

It really helps

Exactly, she will think you are making things up if you tell her what you know; at least part of her will. The other part of her will wonder, since you are honest with her...

What sort of recreational drugs does om use? Does he do anything like that around your kids? I hope not.

I hope you and your children have the best of all weekends together.

vc

Thank vc

He hasn't been near my kids, my wife has promised me that, and the kids would tell me
If she brought around a man now, at their age, she would lose them big time and she knows it!!!

From what I know he likes his coke??
My wife cannot know as she is totally anti-drugs??

What was funny today was my father in law calling me to tell me not to have the kids all weekend as usual!!!
He said don't make it easy for her to see him, and that he will soon get sick!!!
Ha ha
Talk about allies from unexpected sources!!

He said he knew it would be hard, but I have to be cruel to be kind!!!!

I'm going to have a great time!!

Thanks

That's pretty good, having your FIL as an ally. My FIL, I believe sensed something going on, though he never mentioned it, and we never told anyone. He was an ally for me, telling H how hard M was, and how it would be easy to give up, but that after he had been married to MIL for a long, long time, it got easier. He was a doll, and I miss him.

I am glad om isn't brought around your kids, you don't need that!

vc

Got to be honest really struggling today

Had the kids last night, it was fantastic, we love each other so much!!
They kept hugging me and kissing me, they are great

Bit of a concern is my son was maybe over affectionate?
Don't know if he's heard any of wife's conversations/ phone calls, got to keep an eye on him

Took them home, wife just said thanks, polite but no conversation

This is crap!!!
I could easily have had them tonight, but she will only use that time to she om, but I want my kids??? So confused, hurting bad

We have been seperated nearly 12 months, why am I still hurting over her??
She has cheated, used my drinking as an excuse, broken up my family, and hurt our kids, but I still love her!!!!
Not sure I like her at the moment, but I do love her, I just keep thinking about the lies and her with another man!! It's hard today, not sure why??

I've been to the gym and been busy, but my thoughts are with her?
I want to call her, I know I won't, but I'm hurting??

I hate this life at the moment

Hey, DC, chin up. I know it hurts like heck and there are no easy fixes for it. That hurt will not go away anytime soon. Keep doing what you are doing, and keep loving your kids and enjoying time with them.

I guess your son was really happy to be with you, and couldn't help being a bit clingy. My son has always been very affectionate, and at 18 still is.

I wouldn't make it easy for her, but I can understand your wanting to have your kids as much as you can. How often do you get them for whole weekends at a time?

If you have a bit of time, well actually QUITE a bit of time, I want you to read a thread by dday101798. I somehow happened upon it the other day, and I have been reading it. His situation seemed hopeless; W with om, moved out, two kids lots of drama. I won't tell you all the details, but read it from the beginning, it's in Surviving the Big D. That forum doesn't go back far enough to find it, so a round about way of getting to it is how to find it. I will tell you how if you can't find it. For some reason, your thread reminds me of it, somewhat. At least it will give you some food for thought. And I appreciate that they allowed it to go for 75 pages!!

vc

I remember dday, he was on my thread quite a bit back then. Great story. Think I'll go read it myself.

Thanks guys I read it, what a story!!

Well besides that great turnaround I believe I'm done!!!

I called the kids yesterday around 5.30 they were great and talking to me, I then said I call them later, my daughter replied don't??,we are going to *****, a female friend of my wife's, I said you all going, thought they were just visiting, but no she is watching them while wife is going out!!!!, she has no one else!!!

I went crazy, told my wife that I was coming for them, that she didn't cate anymore, etc, crazy stuff

She then said it was all my fault, and mentioned om, again I went crazy!!! Lost it!!
Told her all about him, he was a player, a heavy drinker, drugs, women, everything I had heard!!

She actually didn't seem that surprised and kept asking me who told me etc, o would not tell I was sworn to secrecy about that, and will not betray a friend!!

It got heated!!
I told her I was through, I don't want her back? And told her to get on with it
Said I'd been cheated on, and lied to, that I was made to feel the split was all about me, and I take ownership of my failings, but she had it all planed out
She agreed that she was "talking" to him, but said we split because of me!!!

She told me that she loved me more than anything in world but I had hurt her too many times, and that's why we split

I just said it was over, I was done, get on with it

I text her latter that we should try and get on for the kids sake, no answer, I don't care!

I don't want her, she is a liar and a cheat
She has used our kids as pawns in this and hurt them

I'm not going dark, I'm going midnight!!!
I will not speak to her, why it's all lies
She has lost the support of her family, she has been shown to be a liar, so she can deal with the concequences

I'm done

Thanks

I don't see where your W had ever lied to you. As a matter of fact, she told you she was going out with someone, she has the right to have anyone she wants watch your children when it's on her time and she had to put up with your alcoholic mood swings for 5 years.

So now that she wants out to actually enjoy life, you get angry because it's not with you. Sorry it [censored], but it's the way it is. You've just been interpreting things your own way as a manner of trying to control the situation. Well you can't.

She has a right to do what she wants right now. It's so obvious she lied because she knew you were going to blow up. I was surprised at how violent your confontation was. She had every right to do anything she wants and you can't fault her for that.

How do you think she felt all those years when dealing with your crap. Just because you're okay now doesn't make all the pain, hurt, anger, frustration go away on her part. You think that because you're okay, everything should be okay.

You want to walk away? Fine. It's obvious you don't respect her still and still act the way you did when you were abusing alcohol. Go back and do some self reflection. It's why she hasn't come back. It's because what she's afraid would happen has happened. The changes you made were superficial. If they weren't, you wouldn't have blown up like that.

She's been honest with you and never threatened like alot of the other WASs have been. But for a moment, see things from your W's eyes. If she was abusing alcohol before and acted the way you did, would you take her back? Would you understand why she's doing what she's doing? In her eyes, she's just getting what she feels she deserves.

She told you she loved you. But you can only see the OM. He's only the band aid to help her emotionally. And by you raging, you justified what she thought.

So if you really don't want to save the marriage or can't understand her point of view and work on it, then what's stopping you from filing?