I believe you have a child, correct? If so, there will be custody exchanges, etc. If you read the DB book, it will tell you about getting a life, doing 180s, and bettering yourself. He will notice the positive changes during the exchanges, even if they are short in duration.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
I tried to show him all the time how much I loved him, but he checked out the marriage early.
I was going to IC, but she wasnt helping us or me. I need to find a new one.
Sounds like if he is a chronic cheater, checking out is something he does. This isn't your fault and is also not within your control.
The book I mentioned gives insight into Love Avoiders... he might be one. You should check it out. You do sound like a bit of a pursuer - so I thin it is something worth looking into to understand those dynamics.
Yeah, find a new IC - interview some first and see who a good match is- sometimes it takes a while to find a good one you can work with. Try getting a referral if you can.
But what I am not getting is, how will he see if I am changing and working on myself if he doesnt want to be around me?
All I can say from experience is these changes can take time... Not to sound discouraging, but really all you need to worry about right now is not getting him back by some way that you behave or change but healing... growing ... changing ... working on yourself and letting go of him..... (for now).
Give it a few months and let go.
It sounds like school is a great thing for you and your D is an important part of your life. Can you go out with friends and get involved in something you enjoy and just focus on that for a while?
He will notice ... or he won't ... but either way, the changes are FOR YOU - and they will make a huge difference in your life.
You're not letting HIM go - you're letting go... it's a big difference. You have to let him go - even when you're with him he is never Yours, in a way. (I'm saying this from my own learning experience - so, trust me, I know how it feels) -
But it will do you - Him - your D - and your R SOOOO much good. There is no other way. I believe you can do this!
I just don't want to let him go, but I know I need to.
I will get the book that you suggested. I just started reading the DB.
I wish I could disappear for awhile, but I know that is not the answer.
Thanks again.
dear Hope
sorry you are here. It's a great place to be for a lousy reason.
Start by reading the DB books or the Div Remedy book. The approach here is "solution based" and is premised on the simple but radical idea that doing what helps a relationship is the goal and doing less or none of what hurts it, is the other goal.
Issues such as past abuse or childhood traumas, or parental relationships or self esteem, all warrant attention. BUT not here. This place is for finding ways to improve marriages and get back on track as soon as possible. The "why?"s of it all are for elsewhere OR for later.
For now, you have to begin DBing...read the books asap so you know what's going on with our approach and the jargon and the advice. We focus on the person who is HERE on this site, not the person who is leaving or thinking about leaving the marriage. They are not here. We can do nothing about their growth or insight, just our own. Remember that.
BTW on a sidenote, and this is my own opinion but it's based on a great mc we had and what to say to kids... I happen not t believe in saying "Daddy and mommy don't love each other BUT they do love you"...for one thing, who knows what daddy really feels? If we say he doesn't love you anymore but you reconcile, then what do you say, "oh, it's Tuesday"? He's confused...don't mind read or project...besides it can make the child feel pity for you and that's not appropriate.
Our mc suggested (to me, as h was not there then) that I say "yes we love each other but we cannot live together anymore, so you have two places to live". I Also said "if the only way I could get YOU (kids) in my life was to go thru all this crazy painful stuff again, I would in a heartbeat"....
The mc told me to explain in whatever language that's age appropriate, that some things in their life will change but some will remain unchanged and to focus on what will remain stable.
For us that meant the same house, school, neighborhood and friends and that was huge.
The mc also said if the kids ask about a divorce and you are NOT 100% SURE you are getting one, then do not tell them. It's okay to say you don't know.
While hope remains, let them have it. When asked if we were div, I'd answer with "I sure hope not b/c I have loved your daddy a long time" and move on to another topic.
IF the time comes that a divorce is inevitable, so be it. Admit that it makes you sad but go back again to reassure them. Kids are wonderful but they are afraid of who will care for THEM (it's a little self centered but hey, they're kids, they're allowed).
Comfort them. Reassure them.
As for how you show your changes when you are not around him much, here's the good news...
By not being in his face fighting or radiating pain, You are allowing good memories to resurface AND without fueling the negative images he has of you and your anger.
Plus your changes are immensely easier to make when he's not around you.
And you are less likely to point the changes out or highlight them to him, which has the downside of making your " changes" look like tactics, since you point them out, etc. Makes him not trust the changes.
So pointing them out backfires, btw. You can always mention you were "at the appointment early so you read an article about x..." if one of his complaints is that you are always late for things. that's better than saying "look I've changed. Today I was early for my appointment." See the difference? Real changes are changes made without a goal of getting a reward, or the expectation of being noticed. That's why in some ways it's best if you DO go away for a bit and not see each other.
Then when you do have time to interact - your changes will be more noticable.
Please please read the DB books carefully and thoroughly. There are many good books around, I know. But this is the DB site so begin with those so you get the most out of This site.
In the meantime, here are some "rules" veterans like Sandi2 and Truegritter and Was2 and I'm sure some others, have gathered together in the hopes of helping newcomers with questions like yours...hope it helps. Learn them well-- as they are a life saving guide at times...
good luck, keep posting and here they are:
(I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I did.)
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
NTXSadDad: Yes, I do have a 2 yr old D. My H and I do not see each other at all during the exchange. Our exchange is done at her daycare. I will drop her off and he will pick her up. I did see him yesterday in on the highway in passing. He did see me and I waved and drove off.
25yearsmic: Thanks for your advice. I did copy and paste the guide. It is now in my purse. I have started to read the DB book. I am working on myself and trying to focus on other things. I started school this week, so I have been very busy with that. I am reading it every chance I get.
