Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Got an apology from XH. Need advice now.

Oh and incidentally....he did tell me that his mom LOVES OW. His whole life has been a cycle of needing parental approval and then rejecting it. When he walked out the door, I kid you not, this is what he said, with a very bewildered look on his face: "All of this has happened before." Later I said "what did you mean by that" and he said "I said that? I don't know."

Well, I do...

Wow. Just wow.

For weeks I have been scheduled to go stay with my dad for 3 or 4 nights to cook meals for him and keep him company while my mom is on a trip. I was to leave today.

I've got 2 emails from him now telling me in a rather snippy way not to come. I'm incredulous. I spoke to my sister, who saw him last night. I said wtf? She said that when she started to talk about me arriving later today to him, he suddenly blurted out, Do you know she is talking to XH again? That they talked during the hurricane? She is WRONG. She should NEVER talk to him again. This is wrong. I don't believe she did this.

Now can we all see what I have worked so hard to overcome in the way my parents raised me? My parents don't forgive anyone. Once you make a mistake, you're out of the family and we don't like you. Also, we avoid you. We're better than you. We're self-righteous and condescending. My family has a saying, "Well, we can't ALL be AntoniaB's" (using my screen name in place of my own last name).

THESE were the very things that I did from time to time that contributed to our marital problems when we had them.

I have worked like crazy to overcome them and be a more compassionate person, and the biggest act of compassion I can make is to begin to forgive the person who hurt me most. And in doing so, a burden is being lifted off ME.

And look what happens with my father as a result.

Now I'm the bad guy for doing something that helps ME live a better life on my own. See the codependence at work? See how they want me to hate anyone who hurts me so that I only love them? And if I love one who wronged me, then all I get is aggression or indifference?

Yep. I see it clear as day.
So, are you going to go as scheduled and be serene and unruffled by his attitude?
Or, will you honor your father's wishes and say to yourself, "That's unfortunate, but it's his loss?"

I emailed him, since he won't take my calls (he just keeps letting it go to voicemail) and said "I am 2 1/2 hours away. I can be there in 4 hours or less after a call or email because I need to get the cat sitter squared away. Please call if you want me to come for any reason, make you dinner, whatever. I've already cleared my schedule for the week and can come anytime."

He did not email back.

I have seen him pull this with my sister and mom before. If you are there when he's like this, he refuses to speak to you or look at you. If you make him food, he won't get up to come to the table. He just stares into space with an angry look. He basically gives you the silent treatment until you cry out of desperation, and then he turns the anger on and yells at you for being upset.

He used to treat me this way when I worked a summer job at his workplace if for some reason he decided to be angry at me. His anger is almost always from a very irrational place. In this case it is just because during and after the hurricane, my XH contacted me to ask about damage. He doesn't even know about any of the other contact from XH. Just the hurricane stuff. In his opinion, I should not have replied and told XH the damage.

It's a terrible spot to be in. If I blow him off, then yeah, I just do what he does to other people. But if I go, he will be abusive to me. And I don't deserve it and shouldn't have to take it. I'm trying to find a line to walk here and the only line I could think of is to say for the 4th time, I'll come within hours if you want anything or need anything. And he just ignores me.

I actually spoke to my sister in Germany and she and the other sister have both now said "don't go when he's like this."

Antonia, I do not know what to say. What a terrible and sad family to be raised in, and how well you have done in overcoming that sort of childhood and upbringing.

OK so you know what your dad is like, and he is your father, and you love him. But this, I think, is about control, and him trying to make everyone to conform to his rather limited and strange view of the world.

You are 42 years old, a adult woman, and you can't change him, You can only change the way you choose to interact with him, taking responsibility for how you feel and act towards him.

All you can do is behave as you think fit. If he doesn't want you to go over accept that. Do not appear upset, acknowledge that he feels a certain way but you do not. And leave him to it. His loss ultimately. If you get sucked into his drama, which is what he wants, you will feel horrible, and he will never get the opportunity to learn . . .. So far his 'strategy has paid off, in his terms.

We cannot change others, only ourselves. DB101

i would say that you are sad that he doesn't want you to go, but that you respect his decision, and you hope that he will be OK. no need to either blow him off or go, that I can see.

This is abuse, pure and simple Antonia. My suggestion if he pulls it on you is to call him out on it by name.

He uses silence and as weapon. He is emotionally abusive.

Power and control Antonia, power and control.

What's amazing is that for so long I insisted that there were no problems in my family. I remember saying to XH when he first went into crisis and said I had problems, "but I'm perfect on paper". That was my arrogance, that came from my family's attitude. My mom's reaction to XH leaving me? "Things like this just don't happen in OUR family." She's said that to many friends. They are embarrassed at what happened. Can you see why I have issues with self-esteem? Because they taught me if I was just perfect, everything wonderful would fall at my feet. And if I failed, and someone did something to hurt me, then I could write them off forever and never forgive.

Did I mention dad is an alcoholic who also drinks way more than his usual when mom is gone? The first email where he told me to stay home came at 2:34am. Guaranteed, he was drinking and got himself all angry at me for speaking to someone (XH) outside "the family circle" and that's what set this off.

But on the outside, our family appears to be perfect.

It is sad. At least I am really close to my sisters. We all see the problems. My mom sort of does but she also contributes to them, and my sister recently had to go into therapy for, you guessed it, anxiety and fear and panic and low self-esteem, just like big sis, and her therapist said it all stems from having parents who are FAR too involved in our lives and who won't allow us to grow up, who still interact with us like we are children even in our 30's and 40's.

Wow this whole DB experience has been a HUGE eye-opener into my whole life. Old me would have blown him off. "New" me sent the email saying "I'll come up at a moment's notice", and I'll continue to check in on him this week and keep offering. But I'm also not about to set myself up for an alcoholic's spewing at me if he doesn't want me there for his own misguided reasons...

Antonia, so much of what you write is familiar to me.
Although my father did not use silence as a weapon.
Both my parents are perfectionists and I and my siblings always fell far too short of the mark.

It is all about power and control, Q of S.

Another thought: when I was stuck back in not accepting what XH did, I felt like if I had just been "better" in some way I'd have been able to "keep" him/"keep" the marriage. I was mired in self-blame and felt like a piece of crap. Total low self-esteem.

When I shifted my thinking to "he did what he did for his reasons/he still is in crisis/he may never escape it/I am not to blame for the adultery/she is not "better" than me, I'm a worthy person who he just isn't with anymore"/I am better off NOT being with him because of his issues and inability to work on them", then suddenly MY SELF-ESTEEM WASN'T SUCH A WRECK.

I stepped away from the embarrassment, from the need to be "perfect", from the need to have "a perfect marriage that lasts a lifetime", know that these things cannot be controlled.

And suddenly, MY mood lifted, and I started to feel good about myself.

In my father's world (and to a lesser extent my mother's) self-esteem seems to come from being able to control people or things. Not from within yourself. Not from showing compassion towards those who deserve it the least.

Goodness, I finally get why I had low self-esteem all these years. It's like a lightbulb went off. I guess his insanity today happened for a reason ;-)