Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers In the eye of my storm

I just got off the phone with my W. The MIL did tell her what a difficult time our S5 had when I left on Tuesday. Later that night our S5 told my W, “I miss daddy”.

It is frustrating and maddening not to be able to protect my children from the crazy decisions of my W. I know many of you can relate.

Today is my W’s 40th birthday. I was gonna request advice on what or if I should do anything. I already had my mind made up, so I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. Most, if not all of it is I am sure considered pursuing.

Anyhow, here is how it all played out:

Last weekend when I was in NM, I took my W and our children out to dinner. She didn’t know it was for her b-day. I took our kids to buy her gifts (a necklace from each) and cards to surprise her at the restaurant. She was pleasantly surprised. I have to give credit to our D8. My sweet girl made it work out beautifully. She chose the gifts and helped me get them into the restaurant without the W noticing. At the end of dinner, the waitress brought over chocolate covered mochi ice-cream and we sang happy birthday to my W as a family.

This past Friday I ordered my W her favorite flowers (tropical) to be delivered yesterday morning with a note that said the following:

Dear W,
Please know that you will
always be special to me,
and I am forever grateful
for the joy that you have
brought into my life.
May you have a very happy
birthday.

Always,
LITB

When she received them, she immediately called me to thank me. She was so excited.

Last night when the clock struck midnight Mountain time, I sent her this text message:

“Happy Birthday to you....happy birthday to you....happy birthday dear W....happy birthday to you!!!! And many more...........A big birthday text hug from me to you on your special day and a smiley for each year that this world has been blessed with you. (40 smiley faces) Here's wishing you an absolutely fabulous birthday.”

When I first woke up this morning, I call her and sang happy birthday to her. After I was done, she said thank you and we both were silent for a couple of seconds. It was a warm call. I wanted to tell her that I love her, but she knows. I told her to have a great day and we hung up.

Here was her reply to my text message:
“Awww thank you! I have been very blessed and I remind myself of that every day. And a text hug back to you. Thank you for making my "40th" special.“

My last reply:
“You are welcome. I know this birthday was a big deal for you, so it was important to me that it was special.”

All in all I thought everything I did went really well. I know that one of the rules is not to pursue.

I knew that this was an important day for my W and I wanted to recognize it. I felt it was the right thing to do and the right time to do it.

Will it help me reach my ultimate goal? I don’t know, but I don’t think it will hurt.

Pretty extreme dude.

Yeah, I know. If I am going down....I am going down in a blaze of glory.

I had to post it all. I don't want to filter only the good things I do from a DB standpoint.

^^^^^^Agreed , but then…

You know her better than I.

Thanks for dropping in JS. Only time will tell if it worked. Her response was positive. Anything beyond that is a guess.

These could be the last things that I give her for a birthday. FWIW, two of the things that I did were addressing her complaints. She complained that I didn't send her enough flowers and the other was about a necklace.

Last Tuesday, the day after she received the necklaces, she was wearing one of them.

I know that it all was a bit much and I will accept my 2x4s gracefully. Perhaps I am enabling her.

Tell her jbnati from the DB message board says Happy Birthday!



^^^ Amen to this. Sometimes you just have to mix it up. It may have been pursuing, but your motivations were in the right place. You weren't doing to win her back, you were doing it because it was a special birthday, and you felt it was the appropriate thing to do.

True LITB?

Just a thought...

If things were right... What you did is great. Really.

But given the sitch. Ever think about how much different the power of what we do is?

Given what she has done. A simple text of "happy birthday" may be huge.

Because. Her thoughts. On what is. May be different than yours.

Make sense?

I'm not saying this to make you regret what you did. Regret is useless.

Only to possibly see what is differently.

That made me laugh JB. I'll send her the link. lol



This is true for the mostpart and I will expand in my reply to CS. As always JB, thanks.

I was doing it for a variety of reasons. The main one, this birthday was a big deal to her. Despite where things are between her and I right now, she has brought much joy to my life(and much pain, however I have grown from it). She has been a blessing to me. That’s how I am looking at my situation with her at this time. I say “at this time”, because I may feel different tomorrow, the day after, next week, etc.

I was doing it as much for my children and I, as I was doing it for her.

I wanted my children to celebrate her birthday as a family. I wanted to get my W gifts from them, because there isn’t anyone else that can do it with the same meaning. Yes, I led them to something that I knew my W would like and had mentioned she wanted, however my daughter chose both necklaces. In my mind, it was special to my children that we shopped for mommy and we had dinner together. I was setting an example if you will.

For me, I did it as a way to say, “I love you” without saying it. As a way of saying thank you for helping me become the person that I am today. In addition to the items listed above, I did it because it felt like the right thing for me to do.

If this is the last thing that I do for her on a special occasion, I made it count.

Do I hope it helps me win her back? Of course, without a doubt. However, I would be foolish to think that she will be tripping over herself making her way back to me. As we like to say, “No Expectations”.

All I can hope for is that she can see what she is throwing away as I have been known to do “extreme” things for her. I know that I have been a really good husband to her and going through this experience has made me an even better person. If our M is to end, my life will still be great.


Absolutely. Sometimes I over-think what I do and how it will affect my W.

However, I am to the point (my awakening) where I am going to be true to myself. That is how I “won” her in the first place. If she is willing to work with me to create a better M/R, then that will be great. If not, it will be her loss. In the meantime, I will remain patient. Patient with her and patient with myself.


You may very well be right. Less is more.

As JB said, my W’s birthday was an opportunity for me to mix things up. To get back to something that I know worked in our R.


They are different. Will they ever be the same?


I think my friend. I probably screwed it up. lol


No regrets. I’ve done worse. lol


I appreciate it CS. You definitely made me think.