Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Confused and Concerned

This is very difficult, everyone here will probably tell you that if the change is real, she will notice. you won't have to tell her. I know i failed at this. I was always talking to my H about what I was learning and feeling. It didn't work of course. only time H noticed was just a week ago (over 1 year since bomb dropped). Quite simply I got to the point that I didn't care if H noticed. I was doing it for myself and that is all that mattered.

You are doing really good I think! Keep working on yourself, right now the changes you make might be motivated because you want you wife back, but soon it will be just for you. When this happens you will know.

It can be risky to draw comparisons when it comes to phenomena that people are trying to describe. It's difficult to really define what your wife is experiencing through somebody else's lens. Labeling people as MLC or Alien or whatever places a kind of pathology on them. Their choices are probably sincerely motivated in some way by some kind of construction in their minds that what they are choosing will bring them greater happiness or alleviate for them some anxiety they are experiencing.

If you have taken a look at things and decided you should do more for your W, thats great. And it sounds like you feel better about yourself in that choice. Also great.

Do you expect any reciprocity to come from that?

You want to tell her how you feel - why?

She tells you that she resents you and you feel happy? I think i remember reading earlier in your thread that you felt like she needed to 'express' her anger. Have you revisited that thought lately?

Do you feel resentment towards her?

Cadet - I just reserved Conway's book at the library. Just one more sign of my growth. I'm a weekly regular there and the women that work there have known me for years and we often talk about movies, books and our kids. I never discuss my marriage issues with anyone so reserving this book without any concern of their opinion of my life is a nice step for me.

TAMF/Aeo - I agree and admit that for many months the changes were for my wife and I pleaded desperately inside that she would notice and say something positive. Chores around the house now days, I approach differently. I wash dishes and clean the counters in the kitchen everyday before I go to bed, but I also clean/disinfect the bathroom 2-3 times a week when she's not around. I never used to clean the bathrooms so now that I've been doing for over a year. The last several months I've felt it more important to not do it when she's around because I don't want her to think I'm looking for her approval. I know she notices the work and lately that's enough for me.

Another change, HUGE change, is my approach to everything. I used to get agitated when my wife would ask me to go the extra mile on something and i was on call for work. I was so paranoid about losing my job and I just couldn't understand why she didn't know why I was so scared. Now days, my job doesn't get in the way of my life. I will not let it get between me and my kids. I don't even tell my wife when I'm on call anymore, because it doesn't matter to me and I don't want her to think she has to cater to me. It's not that I don't care about my job, I just realized I wasn't all that bad at it and that I'm not a failure. It feels good.

I expect nothing from my wife. She doesn't have to say anything. I know she notices. It used to hurt, but I see it a bit more clearly. The hard part is that instead of feeling "some" relief for not having to pick up after me and the kids anymore, it seems to irritate her - the whole too little too late argument. Whatever...

Why do I want to tell her how I feel? Great question. She knows I love her, but why tell her anything. Thing is, I've pretty much shut down all contact with her. I'm happy and pleasant when she's around or not around. But it's like having just heard some awesome news and no matter how bad you want to share that moment with your spouse, you can't.

I shake things up every now and then and pop in with semi interesting small talk, but for the most part I stay silent and smiling. What I want to do is tell her what I've learned about MLC, like TAMF was saying. I want her to know that I understand ( some ) and that I can help if she'd let me. I want to help her relearn how to be thankful for the very small things in life.

Do I want my wife back? Eh..... I want to see the flower she becomes, not the spoiled teenager she currently is. The simple answer is yes, but seeing I no longer fantasize about her (intimately) or life (happy) with her, I just don't know. I have no interest in being with any woman right now. I'm not bitter towards the ladies at all, I'm just so interested in the way I've been feeling lately that I'm more interested in just meeting people in general.

I do not resent my wife, but boy did I several months back. I wouldn't let her know, but I don't know how successful I was at that. Occasionally I have anger towards her because of the kids. She thinks I'm telling our oldest son "things" and I would never ever do that. That's so unfair to both of us. He's 11, but he's not dumb. He doesn't know how to express himself ( I'm trying to help him ) and he says things that set her off at me. She won't talk to me, but she'll sit and fume. All I ever tell him is that his mother loves him. He knows there's a problem and it hurts. It's the kids that's the hardest thing about this. We did everything as a family and now IF we do something together, my wife won't even stand near me. He "sees" this. She seems to believe that he's aggitated around her only after he's been around me for a while as if he's saint around me. He's 11! He's a great kid, but he's 11 and will act like a normal 11 yr old when he doesn't get what he wants. This is more annoying than frustrating I think.

Aside from that I have no anger. I know she doesn't trust me so I should expect that, but what can one do I suppose. I did make one HUGE mistake today. I want very much to try and help her "see" and I slipped bad. My son told me today that his mom has gotten worse and I've gotten better ( to be around ). She was upset with him and wanted to talk to me about it. I wanted her to see how she'd changed to the kids and I told her what he said to me......Ugh! I forgot what i said to try and recover, but it doesn't matter. I could have told her I won a million dollars, but she wouldn't have heard it.

Oh and as far as the revisiting her anger.... Nothing. I knew she couldn't do it. I don't push it. It 'feels' wrong to push it so I don't do it. If it comes up again that she resents me, I'll draw more out of her, but I've learned that I need to let her come out of her defensive fortress on her own. If I can find the trigger that gets that result I'll pull it.

I tried something someone else did. I wrote a letter to my wife telling her how I felt/feel. I will never send it to her. It's for me to get it out. I will never show her the letter. It's mine and quite frankly I feel good having put my thoughts on paper.

I still need to find that new approach. Maybe it is only time. Maybe I just have to maintain my course for 10 more months.
3 months ago I found my happy place and 1 month for each year we've been together brings me to 10 more months. It's not a realistic timetable seeing as how I live day to day and not months in advance. But a guy can hope right?!

This is uber long so I'll end on a positive note. For as long as I can recall, this past year I've been telling people I'm 38 yrs old. My b-day is next month and I did the math one more time and it turns out I'm 37 and will be turning 38! Sometimes I'm such a Goof!

I believe what I told you from above is in "Women In Midlife Crisis".

There is also "Men in MLC" I would suggest you read both of them.

If your library does not have it, check into them getting it from another library.

I have not bought too many books but have read close to 30 of them on such subjects.
The library was one of my 180's and GAL activity. Best of all it is FREE!

Cadet -

I'm already 50 pages in and it's quite an amazing source of insight. Things my wife had said to me over the past few years, her crying when each of our kids went to kindergarten for the first time. Even my behavior these past few years. It's almost scripted. I shake my head in fury that couldn't have seen/known about this before.

My only discomfort is the religious undertone. I started going to church again early this year and I understand the direction the authors are coming from. I guess it just kind of stirs up old memories of my mother forcing me to go to church as a kid. I will not mention this book to my wife since she will see it as me trying to 'fix' her, but if she stumbled upon it I'd be concerned that she wouldn't take it seriously in her current frame of mind.

I know I'm early in the book, but I'm beginning to think that it's not me anymore, but my wonderful wife who is actually Sadak in Search of the Waters of Oblivion........

I am also not a religous person however I do have faith in MLC, and if you read the book a little differently you will start to understand that faith does play a large part in all of this.

There is more science in MLC than anyone is willing to admit, and I am a believer in science.

When I jump off a chair I know that I will hit the ground..... LOL!

This is the same thing.

Keep reading and do have faith.

Give us a report on which book you are reading and what you think when you are done.

Well, since this major goof on my part the other day:

"......I did make one HUGE mistake today. I want very much to try and help her "see" and I slipped bad. My son told me today that his mom has gotten worse and I've gotten better ( to be around ). She was upset with him and wanted to talk to me about it. I wanted her to see how she'd changed to the kids and I told her what he said to me......Ugh! ......"


My wife has been very cold since that day. As in intentionally. Earlier I made a joke that she found funny, but she managed to choke down the laugh. It was very obvious. Her tone towards me has been robotic. Last night my oldest was giving my garbage about doing homework. I saw no reason to yell at him, but his frustration was escalating. My wife looked at me and was intentionally controlling her anger. As if to say "See! I'm not the angry one!". Add to this that he popped off with "You're just going to wait till we get in the car and yell at me like you always do!". This comment drove my anger to its limit because it's not true at all. He said that because my wife was standing there and he was upset with me and it made me feel so low because I know she believes him over anything I say.

I'm getting further along in my reading assignment, " Women in Mid Life Crisis" ( Conway ). It's really good and has some great insight. It's still tough on me though, because I just can't see how someone wouldn't want to stop feeling crummy and just do something about it. She hates me, but big deal. Doesn't mean she can't address her other issues seeing as how the nights out don't seem to be helping.

We spoke a bit the other night and I cut it off before it got long. I told her I understand on some level what she's going through ( without suggesting what it is - MLC ). She asked me what that was because she sure as heck can't seem to figure it out. From what I can recall at this moment I did tell her:

She loves me but isn't in love w/ me
She put herself into supporting me and my career aspirations
She put herself into the kids
She feels beneath me and not "with" me

I told her there's nothing wrong with her and that there are millions of "people" that go through what she's experiencing. If she doesn't believe me she can Google ILYBINILWY.

BUT -

She looked at me and paused. I saw it! Something was clicking! She shut it down and and responded by telling me "I'm not going to fall in love with you."

To which I responded by telling her that's fine, but that she's not alone and that nobody is keeping her from doing what 'she' wants to do.

Ladies and Gents - Something got through. I know it did and it's not because I'm hopeful. I didn't plant a seed because it was already there. Her sister had been telling her about MLC and her whole family has been telling her that her thoughts are not what they seem about me. I may have added a drop of water.

I'm reading this book ( mentioned above ) and there's a treasure of information that she could benefit from, that can explain so much of what she's living/feeling. I will not say anything about it and I generally hide from view what books I'm reading. I don't want any chance that she thinks I'm trying to fix her.

With that said though, I may be on to something. For the 5 years leading up to my wife's journey, I spent a lot of focus on my job. When we talked, I noticed it was about the kids and their activities and not the hopes and dreams we used to have. I remember so much now and the verbal queues she gave over the years that this was coming. I'm a better man today than I was 6 months ago for sure.

THE QUESTION IS IS HOW DO I GET US TALKING TO EACH OTHER?

I've done the bit stuff like mentioning something I heard on the news, but she would just pick up her phone and start texting people to see if she could find somewhere else to be.

Creating mystery about me has only seemed to maintain the norm as far as our distance to each other. Yet attempts at giving her attention pushes her away.

Same can be said for my GAL stuff. She seems a bit annoyed if it gets in the way of her plans.

Well the bad news is that today ended just fine. After being served my daily dose of ignoring me in the AM, I was treated to a much less hostile W. The kids took off to play outside with friends and it was just the W and I. I was suprised she didn't find her normal bland excuse to leave and "run an errand." She sat in the living room for several hours while I sat 5 feet from her reading my chapters for the upcoming school week. She did not get up and leave or turn on the TV. She even initiated speaking to me on a few occasions. Granted now she's out for the night with friends, but I can't have it all - this I know.

What makes this a crummy ending to the day is that she was sort of normal towards me. She even took the initiative to make dinner for the family. Problem is I know I'm looking at the next 6 days of being her worst enemy......

Whatever I guess. I didn't make to much out of today and seeing as how her attitude towards me doesn't bug me much anymore, I took today in stride.

Again. Another day of my W staying home in the afternoon and no effort to find a reason to leave. Again she spoke to me, although I was not especially interested in much of the conversation. She brought up the kids in casual conversation and I'm not interested in that since that's part of the reason we disconnected in the first place. Like many married couples we stopped talking to each other and just spoke of the kids. Kind of about the time you start thinking you don't have much in common when the only problem you had was that you just forgot how to be friends. It was nice though. My kids and I played board games ( too many video games lately ) on the living room floor and she sat there doing her own thing with no sign of hostility.

I should also note that when I made dinner for the kids she was defensive in that she said I didn't have to do that and that she would have done it had she knew they didn't want left-overs. Mind you, I was in full "Gee it's a nice day out" mode all day and made no indication that I should want her to do something she almost never does anymore.

Either way, it's better than the alternative I'm used to getting from her. Same as yesterday, I didn't give it much thought and did not find any reason to be eager. I'm not eager about anything in my marriage these days. After all, she is out again for the evening.

Tomorrow is Monday. She's unhappy with her job. She should be back on course for blaming me for everything before tomorrow is done.

There is one other note to mention for you all. My lovely W took a nap during the late morning in our bed. It's the first time since May that she's not slept in the living room. I was not in there with her of course. She left her pillow and blanket on the bed and seeing as how I'm retiring for the night I folded her blanket and pajamas and placed her stuff back in the living room. I see this as a darned if I do - darned if I don't scenario. I leave her things in bed and she probably thinks I'm hoping she'll sleep in the same room with me or she see's her stuff back out in the living room and she thinks I'm just being a poop head......

The whole concept of knowing that everything I do is viewed by her as hostile towards her or 'against' her is definitely tough.

Yep, been back to being the poophead this week. Her not saying goodbye or hello to me, but directly to the kids right in front of me. That's just flippin rude. I could care less if I didn't think it set a bad example on manners to the kids. That's what is really giving me pause to be upset.

More and more she seems to be in a hurry to leave the house before I get up for work in the morning. I like her not being there anyway. In my own GAL ways I've managed to get back in pretty good shape and I walk around the house without a shirt on until I've finished shaving. Admittedly, the thought that this might bother her amuses me. I haven't been in this good of physical shape in 10 years and a friend of hers told me last year that my W noticed. Granted, my W told me back in May I looked sickly and I would have agreed. This whole mess has given me a loss of appetite, but I've rectified that. I realized I did look sickly because I was desperate and wanting. Now I'm confident and happy and I know I look much better now than 4 months ago. The self image thing is for real because I feel "taller", I guess is the word I'm looking for.

She's out of town this weekend. Good. I love my W very much, but I don't much like being around her mass of negativity. I don't share her issues and until she starts to accept them, I could give less a dang about it. I've learned I can't help her because she doesn't want my help. I pray every night for her to find her strength and that's all I can/will do for now. She doesn't plan on leaving until after I get home from work which is too bad since I was hopeful I would be done seeing her after this morning.

That sounds a bit harsh, but since she sees me as her worst enemy and she can't afford to move out, I figure the less she sees of me, the better for both of us.