Second MC session today. The topic was R.E.T, which is essentially realizing that your beliefs and perceptions shape your feelings. Nothing new, but presented in such a way that made it applicable to our situation. There is lots there that I feel my wife could use, but I don't know if she'll do it or not. She even said during the session that her brain shuts off after a while of thinking of this stuff.
It's useful to me as well. The last the MC said was to try and understand how each other feels, without judging or feeling like blame is being placed. This will be tricky for me, since I've got a history of trying to get her to see my point of view and getting frustrated when she doesn't. I'll have to approach it more like a journalist I think, get the story without judging.
After giving it some more thought, I just had a realization. Essentially when each of us break down in communication, we do it opposite ways. This article http://www.marriagehelper.com/dominating_husband_or_wife.php pretty much describes the behavior of my wife. She takes the input and has negative beliefs, therefore gets defensive and upset over what could be nothing. I, on the other hand, break down on the other side. I would keep talking and talking to try and get my point across, instead of just understanding that she disagreed. That's been consistent within this process as well; I think that there is just something she doesn't see, so I kept trying to changer her mind. Basically, I've been controlling. Damn.
So now that I know this about myself, and she does too (or already did), I'm not sure what to do. I've already made some adjustments in my behavior, which has affected my controlling issues, but I haven't addressed it directly. I will try and be cognizant of our interactions and when my attitude changes. As I mentioned above, I'll try to approach listening less judgmentally. I don't have this behavior with anyone but my wife (that I can think of), and it really bothers me that I've let it go this far.
I can see how it happened. We leaned on each other in different ways early in our relationship. I helped her to deal with her emotions, and she helped me to become more responsible. As she became more adept, I became used to being the teacher and therefore kept the point of view that I had something she needed to understand. Along the way, I missed when it should have transfered to respectful disagreement or understanding.
After contemplating my revelation over the last few days, I've found myself having feelings again for my wife. I'd all but shut that part of me down, because it was distracting/upsetting her when she'd notice it, and the false hope was crushing for me as well.
Our day to day continues to be fantastic, but it's still as friends. She got a text from one of her friends today, one that she interpreted as him asking her on date. She was uncomfortable with him asking her that, and then apologized for even mentioning it to me (it happened while I was there, and she started talking about it; I didn't ask). She said she could tell I was upset, even though I thought I hid that fairly well. Regardless of where we are heading, we are still married, and the thought of her going out on date with anyone just makes my heart sink. She didn't get angry at me, and I told her I that it was fine, I was just confused, and we left it at that.
An hour later it was like it never happened. I don't know if I'm ready to start loving her again, since I know that she still sees divorce as what she wants. We haven't talked about it in a couple weeks, but I'm not making any assumptions. For now I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing, as we are having a good time. I just need to keep my heart in check, so it doesn't ruin it.
Another good night. W had a friend visiting when I came home from work. I chatted for a while before I had to go and study. While I was listening and talking with her friend (he was telling a funny story), I noticed her staring at me, smiling from ear to ear. I caught her eye and winked at her nonchalantly, at which point she suddenly found something interesting on her phone. She wasn't embarrassed that I could tell, but she wasn't comfortable with me noticing her staring at me. I went on about my business and left to study. When I got back I chatted with her for minute, and then said goodnight.
Same story, I think she might be starting to rethink things, but until she tells me differently, I can't broach the subject. It has to be her that brings that sort of thing up, right?
You are to show consistent change over time, not score a victory point
(I know that wasn't your intent but it could look like it.)
IF you bring up the r or say "see how great it CAN be with us?" there's a good chance she'll shut down and maybe, for good.
So back way off, & Keep doing your work.
My guess is she sure wishes she wasn't the sole breadwinner AND OR that your contribution was not so far off.
She wants to know there's a pay off, and a "3 more FULL TIME years, for so so money"
probably isn't as powerful as you'd like. (I'm Just guessing)
Also, your argument that if being a mooch were your real goal you would have left now, rings hollow.
Don't make that argument to her b/c my immediate response was, "why would you leave now? You still get a roof over your head and food so..." So it's just not a strong argument, imo.
Oh and fyi- don't repeat negative charges. Remember the Nixon "I'm not a crook" speech? He ended up looking exactly like a crook. That word is what was associated with him.
Never repeat the negative. I did crim defense and PR work and always told my clients, you just "Deny the charges"-- you don't say "I'm not a child molester"....see the difference?
MOVING ON-
Are You sure science ed is the fastest way to a functioning working degree?
Dang there are a lot of companies that pay salaries AND part of tuition
(as well as gov jobs, my friend worked for the feds and they paid 75% of her school and then she got promotions when she completed the degree)
so I always think for married peopleto go to school later on, is a lot tougher than they thought it would be when they dropped out...
but not as tough as not going at all.
Hang in there.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
your insight about "needing to be right" with her, was a good one, even though it's not how you saw it or worded it.
It's that idea that "if only she UNDERSTOOD ME, of course she'd agree" is flawed but commonplace.
And it IS mostly a need to be right...
Glad you see that now. It's also a part of respecting her.
Allow her to dispute and disagree. You will never see your marital history the same way. Ever.
Don't bother with the past. What will matter is going on "from this day forward" but you are not there yet.
Although you first posted that you were not controlling or critical and that you "owned your part" in the problems, then
you mentioned often, that SHE didn't see HER role and her flaws...
and I rolled my eyes.
To me, that was more of the same old
"She's wrong but won't see it, so I'll keep telling her how and
then she'll realize I am more right..." which is SO NOT HELPFUL....
However, NOW, No matter what you called it,
you seem to be getting that
a chunk of your behavior and thought process was, IN EFFECT, controlling and blaming. And it's great that you dug deep and bravely to see this... That's what success here, begins with.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My wife is out of town for a wedding (I'll be going up later today) and was gone last night to prepare. Normally, even pre-bomb, I wouldn't bother her unless there was an emergency of some sort. Last night our S6 had a fever of 102.5, nothing emergent, and so I posted about it and hating having sick kids on FB. Later, about 1:30 am I heard a car door shut (since I'm sleeping in the playroom right above the cars) and looked out to see a couple of guys dressed all in black trying to open our van. I snuck outside and chased them down, brought them back to the house, and chewed their butts out. They were early 20's, well educated from the way they were speaking, and out playing some stupid prank game trying to steal stuff from peoples cars.
I told them to get out of my neighborhood and never come back, or it would be very bad for them. They were scared, and apologized and took off. I couldn't sleep and posted about that on FB as well. Again, nothing emergent so I didn't contact my W.
W calls me this morning furious that I didn't call or text her about these events. I mentioned that I didn't want to disturb her, and that I wasn't intentionally trying to keep anything from her. She reveals that she is angry because she read about it on FB this morning instead of hearing about it from me. She asked if I would be upset if the reverse were true. I said probably and apologized again. We said goodbye and that was that.
So now she's pissed, and I'm going to go up to the wedding she's in in a few hours. I'm not quite sure how to proceed. I can see her point of view, because if it were her I'd have come home in an instant. However, I was going to call her this morning after she'd had a chance to get up and around and tell her about last night. Though I mentioned that on the phone, she seemed doubtful, and at the least still upset that FB told her first.
I was planning on just letting it go unless she brings it up, but I can't help feeling like I messed up somehow. Good intentions turned into something that really upset her; seems to be the story of the last few years with us. It is so difficult to know what will and won't upset her. If I'd called or texted, in my mind, she'd have been upset and maybe wanted to come home. Other times, it could feel like I was being bothersome over something she had no control over.
There was no decision not to call her (regarding the guys), I really just was tired and adrenaline crashing. I didn't think about it until I was already half asleep an hour later, and at that point just drifted off to sleep. I did what I did, but in her eyes it was the wrong thing to do.
Maybe while you're db'ing you should try not posting on FB, since she receives your FB posts. Just a thought....
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Seems counterintuitive. I edit anything I put on FB (which is rare), and she never comments on anything I put up regardless. I'll give it some thought.
Turned out to be pretty much a non-issue. That seems to be more and more common between us nowadays. If I don't make a big deal out of it, be non-reactive, then any argument doesn't last.
Wedding was overall very good. Initially it seemed that W was avoiding me, but it turned out that she was just having a rough day. She seemed a bit flustered, but kept repeatedly telling me how good I looked. She looked amazing also, and I told her so a few times.
Since she was part of the wedding party, my contact was minimal. Normal times would have had her coming down to spend quite a bit of time with me, but I honestly wasn't expecting that this time around. I was just happy to get to spend a little time. I had to leave and drive home, so I asked to step in when she was slow dancing with her sister and a marine from the wedding party. She seemed very freaked out, though I'm not sure why. I got to dance with her (friendly for me, uncomfortable for her) for about 30 seconds before song ended. I passed her back and said goodbye but then another slow song started, so I danced with her sister for a minute. We are good friends, and their was nothing weird about it.
I said goodbye again, and drove home.
This morning when they got back, W was angry about a few things (car not being lined up properly, some sundries I'd purchased laid out on her bed). In an effort to break from being controlling of a situation, I said I understood that she'd had a bad weekend and was upset, however the children had been challenging and I just hadn't gotten a chance to put things away. I said I know that she understood that sometimes you just don't get things done (she's apologized unsolicited many times when I come home and things are messy or not done). I just asked for her understanding.
That pretty much seemed to end it, which is a definite improvement from how that would have gone in the past.
Later on I was listening to W and SIL stories about how the weekend was difficult. I gave some good advice and gave and got hugs from both of them while letting them know that they were appreciated.
SIL says now that W has told her that if we'd gone to MC from the start we probably wouldn't be where we are now. That's particularly frustrating because it's what I asked from at the start. However, it does show that she views our R as having some progress. Whether or not that eventually means she doesn't want to get divorced I can't say. I'm just happy to be having some good times, even if it's just friendly right now. I'm not allowing myself to hope to much, but it's been really great to have her treating me with respect and caring instead of frustration and anger.
