A little bit more than 3 weeks ago, my wife started approaching me, online, over Messenger. Since then we've been in constant contact, but never talked on the phone or even met.
She asked me for forgiveness for the things she said, that they were harsh, unnecessary and that she was feeling guilty. I said that things between us weren't okay and that something had to happen, so, they were probably necessary.
She has been asking my help with assorted things. She's currently on holiday abroad and we are in constant contact, she said she always enjoyed spending holidays with me and that she misses having someone to have a good laugh with. She's not using her wedding band, though, and left it behind in the house.
When she gives a little step forward she always says that she can't promise anything, that she's very much happy the way she is at the moment, and that she doesn't hold the keys to the future. She also says that she wants things to go according to her pace. I answer that life comes without guaranties and that I'm okay to continue showing her good things and to give small steps. For a few times she mentioned that I'm the old me again and that she likes the new things in me.
We also have been having more intimate conversations, and sometimes she's very cheeky, even sending me some photos (again, saying that she isn't trying to tease me or to be playful). We always spend the night connected online, and we contact each other first thing in the morning. Most of the time she initiates contact.
I've been following the book's advices, I'm receptive, loving in return and continue to work on myself and to GAL. Sometimes I'm guilty of being too receptive, too excited, but it's very difficult to control it, especially because we spend a lot of time in contact with each other.
I'm very anxious because I don't know were exactly this will take us to. I decided to let things go according to her pace, and that I'm here for her, although I continue to work on myself and on my life. Because the only contact we have is through Messenger, sometimes I find myself trying to interpret every little message, every little context, and I find this very painful.
My worst fear is that she's only considering me as a great friend and contacting me because she's comfortable with my presence and with the good things I provide her. I'm afraid of putting myself again in the open field and being shot again.
Do you guys things I should change anything, or that I should leave things as they are and continue going according to her pace? Do you think I'm doing anything wrong? I am very anxious, fearful of the future, disturbed and confused, but I think I can handle it if it is so save our marriage.
Thank you very much for your time and attention, regards.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
Today there was an important development. My wife told me that when she's back from the holidays she wants to meet me, go for a walk or a meal. She mentioned she's not as resolute as she was before, and asked if I was happy with that. I said yes, but that we should continue giving small steps.
Are we in the piecing phase now? What are the relevant parts of The Divorce Remedy for this phase? I concentrate almost totally on the separation phase up until now.
Thank you!
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
Good to hear from you. You actually sound like you are doing good. I don't have alot of time right now however I will say that you have your attitude in the right place.
I think that the fact that your W wants to meet for a meal or a walk is great.
You have given her a chance to miss you in her life and you have given her the space she has said she wanted.
I think you really need to prepare yourself for an in person meeting.......you will be flooded with emotions when you see her.......prepare yourself so that you will not backslide.
I will try to post more later, you are doing great!!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
wow i really really hope it works out!! It's always inspirational to hear these thigns --especially since yours was pretty fast on the timeline! GOOD LUCK!!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
LR, I don't know if it's wise to go straight to piecing...
While the two of you have had the positive contact, this sounds like the first time she actually suggested she is not running any further away... but I don't think I am convinced she is saying she wants to work on things, either...
unless she actually tells you she wants to try to work things out, and continues to show she's moving towards you... that would be the time to look at piecing, imho...
otherwise, like MHL said, steel yourself for the f2f, because it could bring up emotions you didn't even realize you were hiding...
Do NOT move in or think you are in "Piecing" until 1) she wants to be together again and 2) you do too and 3) you are living together, and; finally 4) whatever I'm forgetting to put here.
Then real piecing work starts. All the things about forgiving and rebuilding trust that you have put aside b/c you were not in a position to argue about them, or were not even aware of yet,
will surface.
Take it slow, slower than feels natural. Seriously.
AND see if she'll attend Retrovaille which is a workshop for married couples in crisis, which you are.
No sharing of dirty laundry or public disclosure is required. You don't have to be Catholic to go though they started it (which makes sense since they make it tough for us to divorce).
Check it out. It's helped many and the rate of success is good,--of the 25 couples we attended with, 3 years later 80% were still married.
Considering why we were there, that's amazing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do NOT move in or think you are in "Piecing" until 1) she wants to be together again and 2) you do too and 3) you are living together, and; finally 4) whatever I'm forgetting to put here.
The idea of meeting her does freak me out! I know that part of the problem was that she lost her attraction for me... The fact that she's interested in me now means that somehow I attracted her again, but what if she doesn't "click" when we meet?
What if we don't have subjects to talk about? What if I commit a mistake? How should we greet? A kiss? A hug? Just a smile? For how long should we meet, and where, and how?
All these questions storm my mind. I prepared myself by looking at pictures of my wife... And I felt strong things inside me. It was as if I was looking into a powerful icon, but at the same time my brain was asking "who's that woman now?". Does this make sense?
I do think that we need to be careful. I think that we're more on the reconciliation side that on the separation side, but I know there's still a long way to go and that there are many many ways that things can go back.
I struggle to find references to "piecing" in the Divorce Remedy. What are the relevant chapters?
Thank you very much! Cheers.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
... time will continue to be my best friend. No rushing. If we waited 3 months to give this step, I don't mind to wait another 3 months to give the next step, if necessary.
It would be interesting for me to hear about what other people experiences in this phase were. Do you guys have any references?
Thank you!
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
hmmm... well, review the whole book... that should give you a good idea about piecing... lol...
No really, you're probably good to review chapters 6, 7, and 8...
But you will need to review the basic DB principles... to make sure you stay the course and don't get yourself too emotionally attached to the idea that maybe things are going to work out...
On getting together... understand... SHE initiated and set up the meeting...
it will be best to let her lead... even if a 180 might be for you to lead, this is her meeting and her dime... if she doesn't have an agenda, that would be odd...
LISTEN and VALIDATE... but KNOW WHO YOU ARE and hold your emotional ground...
as 25 suggested above... one of the things that would need to happen is for her to move back in... it's not an M if there isn't a common, familial home... so there's no M to piece, if you aren't living at home...
if all this brings about is that you two start "dating" again... great...
my money is on... she has an agenda... she'll likely ask you a tonne of questions, if she's not coming in with demands...
be honest... but IMHO... it is HER that needs to commit to the M with ACTIONS...
listen...
validate...
be honest...
short, simply, courteous answers...
be pleasant...
be your BEST... dressed, cologne... maybe a spritz of some lady perfume, just to keep her guessing...
