Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 3

Don't let anyone tell you that this is a hopeless cause cam. You work on you and you only with your IC. He/she is no position to know whether or not your M can be saved.

IMO... we give up hope ONLY when WE are ready man. Personally, I'm not easily defeated, and I have faith in my ability to see this through to the bitter end if necessary. I will not give up.

I suggest that you don't either. You won't regret walking through the gates of hell for you M... even IF you are unsuccessful.

BITS
Denver

Remember to expect the worst, and hope for the best.

Thanks Country and AC. The counsellor was good, she wasn't that negative , more so focusing on why things happened and reinforcing that it is most likely over for good. I guess if the chances of R in these sitchs is rare, then sometimes i question why I'm here, why are we all here?? Aren't we all here to DB and save our marriages? Yes we can improve ourselves in the hope that we become better people and spouses our w or h would be stupid to leave, but ultimately we want to save our M and get back what we had in an improved state.
I dont think the C made me see the futility of my sitch, it was probably more me. When I sit and explain my sitch to people, everyone reacts the same - they seem staggered. Its probably the way I tell it or the spin I put on it, but in no way am I soft on myself, it's the opposite, I take full blame for it. I think when I look at what's happened, who my W is, how I was, the 'water that's gone under the bridge', I just feel pessimistic. I am always holding on to hope, it's probably false, but I cling to it. I still see the great things about us, the friendship, bond and love we had. Yes, this has been a sh1t time for us, and we both have made mistakes, but i still see that nothing is irreparable. My W thinks other.

Denver, I am not giving up. I am in a dark place now and have been for a while, I can't imagine the extended pain and sadness when it actually is final. But I need to prepare for that. In the meantime, I will continue to be dark, hang out overseas on work trips and ignore her for 6 weeks. 1 down tomorrow, 5 to go and will see where I'm at.
I find it strange that she was so gun ho with lawyers in late June, and there hasn't been anything since. I got a follow up letter in mid July, after we had a nice catch up, which I ignored, but nothing since. I screen my calls most days waiting for my lawyer to call me and say they have contacted her. Don't know what to make of that, probably when she gets her stuff from the house then she will be full steam ahead with the lawyers.

What is a marriage?

Is it a legal agreement?

Is it a commitment to another individual?

Is it a commitment to oneself?

What motivates you to do something?

What does it mean to 'save' a marriage?

What odds do you need to make it worth it to you? What IS your M worth to you?

If it was 50% do you still stand? At 40%? How about only 1%? At what point do you give up?

That is for you determine. Your strength. Your committment. Your values.

We can't make that decision for you.

But I will paraphrase Jack3 as I have before...

"F the odds."

Or better yet, Han Solo:

"Never tell me the odds."

^^^ Exactly

Cam - ALL of our situations here are/were dire when we came here. All of us were in a very dark place at first. That will improve.

While it is probably true that the odds of you saving your M are against you, those odds are a big fat ZERO if YOU give up.

At some point, you may find that you are ready to give up. When you are ready you will know.

But I'm telling you not to let others' opinions as to whether or not you have a chance influence you. F them... they have no clue about what is in your heart. What you can endure for your W and your M is you are up for it...

And up for it knowing that you very well may NOT succeed.

Listen man... my W left me in November. Told me that she was done. Wanted a divorce. Asked me to go file with her. I refused. Told her I would cooperate, but would not help her end our family. She began dating.

Ok... now... almost 10 months later... I am not divorced... hell, paperwork hasn't even been filed.

AND... my W is considering reconciliation.

There is always hope my friend.

What you do with that is up to you.

BITS
Denver

What state are you in Denver? Interesting how both spouses have to file together.

I'm in Colorado. But no, both spouses don't have to file together. That's what my W wanted to do though. She wanted me to go with her to the courthouse, fill out the paperwork, and file the case with the court. I told her that I wouldn't help her end our M... but that I would cooperate if she filed on her own. 9 months later that hasn't happened, and we have a chance to reconcile.

I guess that my point is twofold. 1) You never know what is going to happen with the passage of time. Time is our friend when it comes to this. 2) Don't do anything to rush the divorce or help to get it going... this buys us time.

Denver

Now I'm no detective but....