Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New here, not new to this: Still not easy...

Goals for myself... on the outside, I'd like to figure out how I'm going to start renovations on this place so it's not a 564 sq foot, one bedroom house anymore. I'd like to start drawing again (I haven't been) and finish some of my unfinished projects. On the inside... well, I'd like to stop needing him so damn much. I want to stop trying to hold onto things and learn how to go with the flow. I used to have that... I want it back.

Yup. And we've always made it work before... but now it's very much working against us. Or perhaps that's just my perception of it right now.

Some journaling before bed here...

Got back from work and came back home to H and the kids. H was withdrawn and not saying much to me. Armed with more DB on the brain, I was friendly and cordial, upbeat and not in his face about anything. Gave him shoulder squeeze. Gradually he started talking more. He said that he took the kid's over to K's house for a playdate with her little boy (no surprise there.. I was expecting that. He and the kids have had a playdate with her boy everytime he has to watch them while I'm at work, so I wasn't shocked) then all of them spent the rest of the day at the park.

I wish he wouldn't spend so much time with her, of course. It really makes me uncomfortable. He is quite smitten with her.. be it on a romantic level or a friendship level.... doesn't really matter which one. But I kept all that to myself and this time it worked. He's seen me bristle before when the subject of her comes up and it makes him shut down and I get nowhere. This time he kept throwing out her name, casually, as we were talking about his day with the kids and I didn't budge or bristle. It felt like a test that I passed today.

He would say "K and I did this with all the kids today. Took them on their first bus ride ever..." and "Something's bothering her because K didn't talk to me much at the park." And I would respond with "Oh cool.", "That's nice." or "Hope everything works out." and not "Dear God, please stop saying her name!" I done good. Baby steps.

Put the kids to bed. He was more upbeat. We sat down on the couch and he showed me a video game demo he had told me about before. I ate my supper and watched him play it with interest. We wasted a couple hours doing that (he was texting her inbetween gameplaying) and he finally, cautiously... said "Well... I'm going to K's house tonight. We're going to watch a movie."

Ah yes... saw that coming a mile away. He spent last night here. I knew he wasn't going to spend a second night in a row here... heaven forbid! I remembered to act "as if" it didn't bother me. Because showing it bothers me makes it worse.

"Have a good time. I'm having a shower." I said. Then I took my clothes off and walked to the bathroom. (And why not, I thought. This is my house and if I'm still comfortable naked around him, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!)

He gave me a kiss goodbye. "Is it okay?" he asked. "Yes." I said. "Go... have fun. I'll be just fine." "No, no." He said... "The kiss... was it okay for me to do that?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Because I knew it would make you happy."

Sigh.

I put my hands on his shoulders... him with his shoes and coat on... me naked... and said "Of course I like it. But you have to do things that make you happy. See you later."

Then I did my 180. I always... *always* walk him to the door. It was just the way I was raised and something I like to do. When someone leaves, you walk them to the door and say bye there. He knows that.

This time I said bye, walked to the bathroom and let him see himself out. It felt so unnatural... I hope he felt the oddness too.

I was desperately hoping that the weirdness of not getting walked out to the door would hold him inside the house (ha ha) and was a little disappointed when I heard the door open and close a few minutes later. Damn. Finished having my shower and walked out, toweled up... and I actually scanned the house to see if he left me a note. A little "See you later" or something. Nada.

Well... I wasn't expecting one. Just hoping. Silly really.

So.. another night to myself.. another day approaching as a married single mother.

I'm going to look objectively at this.

Con: He's not spending the night at home with me. That makes me sad.

Con: He's spending the night with a woman who brings out jealous feelings in me. I hate jealous feelings.

Pro: I can go to bed early tonight! Good, I really need the rest.

Pro: I don't have to toss and turn in bed trying to sleep but also trying to see what they are saying to each other back and forth on the computer. (Again, one bedroom house... living room/studio/bedroom... all lumped together.) If they're are going to be up all night together canoodling or just talking (doesn't matter) it's better that it's at her place and not spilling over here where I wonder what they're typing to each other. Out of sight, out of mind... and hopefully I'll get a better night's sleep for it.

I'm in such an odd place right now... both "I love him desperately" and "She can have him!" are living within me at the same time.

Starting to get drowsy from the anti-depressant I took before I started typing this (it works fast!) and I hope it will help me get a good night's sleep.

My H complained that I never wanted to socialise with him and his work friends. I agree that I spend most of my time at home with my kids. I also work from home so it's hard. I am very shy. Since he left I've made a big point of getting out and meeting new friends. It has really helped me. Especially being around people that don't know me as poor J whose husband left her for OW.

Oh I know that feeling! O_O Lived it the first time with "Poor Lucky... whose H left her for OW... Poor thing." Eventually I put on a strong front because I was just so darned tired of people asking me if I was okay.

H was impressed with my strong front... disappointed when he learned, years later when he found out it was a strong front I had put on. In his angrier moments he's brought that up (many times) and called me a hypocrite and even a liar.

(In before the pot calling kettle black jokes begin.)

More journaling -

Good thing I went to bed early (10:30pm!) after H left to spend the night again at K's house. The kids woke up early at 6:30am and decided that they were more then ready to start the day.

I missed H but I was glad that he wasn't around because I really needed that rest.

At 7:00am I got a call from my brother... his car broke down on the way to work and he needed a ride. I got myself and the kids, pajamas and all, in the car and we gave him a lift. Then I got the kids breakfast at McDonalds, so they were pleased.

There is a lot of work to do around the house but I think I'm going to GAL today and take the kids out to see the Pooh Bear movie at the big theater. Maybe we'll even get popcorn. I haven't decided if I'm going to invite H or not. Probably not since he's told me he's spending the day with K and is taking her and her son to the car show.

Yeah... I think I'll take the kids out to the Pooh Bear movie by myself. Popcorn and everything.

I need to get out of the house. It's making me sad.

Argh... I hate it that every car I hear drive by or park close to the house makes me poke my head out of the window hoping it's him. No wonder I want to get out of the house.. the sound of cars approaching the house are all at once an exciting and dreadful noise.

I want to be pleasantly surprised if he comes home... I don't want to be expecting it. Because I'm still expecting/hoping I'm getting constantly disappointed.. and no one is doing it to me but myself. I feel like a balloon that has no more room for deflation. Pathetic.

Also... I wish my posts would update faster... I keep checking but it seems to take awhile. That's ok.. I understand the reason for it. I just have to acquire more patience.

Journaling - Aug 28th afternoon...

I've been feeling the stress bubbling up in my all afternoon but I've been sweeping it aside and acting "as if" I'm fine and cool.

The kids enjoyed the movie but were not so good for me on the way out. D didn't want to hold my hand in the parking lot (which is a rule, there are cars whipping about!) and I had to hold her hand by the wrist and drag her back to the car, screaming at the top of her lungs. Buckled her into her car seat, informed her that I was not very happy with her not listening and had to listen to her scream "IDON'TLOVEYOU! IDON'TLOVEYOU! IDON'TLOVEYOU!" for about fifteen minutes in the back seat.

I started to tear up... I know it was just a four year old fit but my mind started to whisper it to me in my husband's voice at the same time.

Stop thinking like that. I chased those thoughts away.

We had two stops to make. One at the grocery store and one at the hardware store. D calmed down enough that I figured I could get my stuff at the grocery store. However, by the time I finished, my S was now acting out. With a 5 year old boy's temper and a keen interest in pushing the envelope.

I was just not in the mood....

By the time I got them both out to the car my heart was beating a mile a minute and the tears were streaming down my face.

Decided not to go to the hardware store. I can't take another stop. I have to go home.

Then I remembered that I told H that it was okay if he came home tonight to hang out. It usually is. In fact, I celebrate every night he wants to stay at home instead of at K's house.

I didn't want him home tonight. My head and heart hurt. I'm crying too much. I just can't handle him on top of it. I wouldn't be able to do any DBing... my strong front would be transparent.

So.. I text him and it went like this:

Me: Not having such a great afternoon... Feeling kind of low. It's up to you but if you don't want to come home tonight I understand.

Him: What's up... why?

Me: Just emotional and a little stressed.

Him: Oh... okay. Well, now I'm not sure what to do.

Me: You can stay at K's house again. It's up to you. The door is always open to you. I just can't promise that I won't cry tonight.

Him: You know that I don't know what to do to handle you. It's very egg shell. Can you tell me why you are not doing good.

(I don't respond.)

Him: K, I'll tell you what. I had some time tonight and I wanted to come over but instead I will do so tomorrow. Take care of yourself. I'll see if it's cool if I bum supper off of K.

Me: Okay.

And that's where it ended.

I cried quite heartily after that conversation. I've never asked him (even tho' I did it somewhat passive-agressively) *not* to come back over before. I've never actively chased him off. It felt awful.

But the alternative would be to have him over here, glaring uncomfortably at me with crossed arms... wishing he was anywhere else except in the same room with me while I'm "like this". That would be worse.

Better this way.

So why do I feel awful?

It's taking alot of willpower to not to text him back and ask him to come over to make me feel better.... I want to text him and tell him everything that's been bothering me about today. Literally *forcing* myself not to.

Journal Sunday night...

Argh... hit a pretty big pocket of despair tonight. Haven't had a sobbing jag like this in awhile.

Can't even think about GAL tonight... going to bed early... 9:30pm.. my brain is too fuzzy to even think about anything else.