Need some advise. Over the last 2 weeks my husband has been acting like my old h. Coming to me for conversation, telling my jokes or funny things to make me laugh. Actually had a 2 hour conversation (in his man cave) where we talked about my counseling and how my way of thinking in regards to my controlling issues have changed.I had his attention the whole time something that didn't even happen at the happiest of times. What I need advise on is twice he has said that he was going to move out of the bedroom first time was after BD and second was 2 weeks ago,again hasn't made an attempt to move. the first time I asked him not to that I wasn't ready for that second time I didn't say anything. Do you think that I should tell him that if he wants to move out he should, that I have never shared a bed with anyone who didn't want to be there. Things are going OK between us and I don't want to rock the boat. I am afraid that his pride would prevent him from not going or coming back. In the beginning I asked him if he were to change his mind about the divorce would he have the courage to tell me and he said he didn't know. A man's pride is an awful thing sometimes. Just need to know what others think.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
I am happy to annouce that I don't try to control any longer. You are correct. I should keep quiet and if it's his decision then it should be so.I don't really want him to move out. Even though he has threatened twice to move out he hasn't. You are wise. What about how he is acting lately. Like my old h. Hasn't shown an attempt to be affectionate or anything but is coming to me for conversation, and even offering to help do dishes. Please advise wise one, I am putty in your hands, mold me.
I am happy to annouce that I don't try to control any longer. You are correct. I should keep quiet and if it's his decision then it should be so.I don't really want him to move out. Even though he has threatened twice to move out he hasn't. You are wise. What about how he is acting lately. Like my old h. Hasn't shown an attempt to be affectionate or anything but is coming to me for conversation, and even offering to help do dishes. Please advise wise one, I am putty in your hands, mold me.
whatever you are doing is at worst, neutral and at best, helping the situation.
Accept these gifts of time, pleasantness and baby steps of progress. Do not expect more or make more of them than he does. That sets you and him up for failure or dashed hopes. The more moments of progress and the more pleasant times that pass with you, the more bonded he'll feel.
Though you are working on the control issues, the fact that you feel the need to do or say something now, isn't helping you.
Try not to talk about your changes if he is not the one bringing them up. It's R talk for one, and or they'll look like tactics to him, not real or permanent changes made for your own improvement.
If he is the one commenting, accept the compliments but maintain an air of mystery about it, if you can do it without coming off weirdly or inauthentically.
The goal is to get him wondering what other changes and improvements are happening with you...and wouldn't it be nice to find out? (But not with you highlighting them...)
"Just Be here now."
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Feeding a squirrel, that's so funny but I get it. I am finally getting the detachment thing. The reason for my question is, I am also a member for a few MLC sites. On these sites they suggest that I draw the line and ask him to leave our BR, don't really want to do that but don't want him to think that I'm a doormat either. I guess in the future if he says that he's moving out I should just say "if that's what you want to do I support your decision" sound good? Thanks for the links trust me I read as much as I can. Thanks
You are right, my distancing myself has been noticed by H. I think to that he has noticed there has been no attempt by me to control and when he does try to throw me the ball, like when our daughter wants to do something and she asks him he says what does your mom say. I gently say whatever decision you make I will back you up. He has always done that to me in the past and when I make the decision he then tells me how controlling I am. Not falling for that one anymore. Thank you for the advise. I like coming here better than the MLC sites because alot of people seem really bitter and most of the time it is depressing. Thanks
[quote=Confused 2]Feeding a squirrel, that's so funny but I get it. I am finally getting the detachment thing. The reason for my question is, I am also a member for a few MLC sites. On these sites they suggest that I draw the line and ask him to leave our BR, don't really want to do that but don't want him to think that I'm a doormat either. I guess in the future if he says that he's moving out I should just say "if that's what you want to do I support your decision" sound good? Thanks for the links trust me I read as much as I can. Thanks [/quote IDK where you are reading that someone is suggesting ultimatums...but at DB land the only time you do that is when you are positive you are prepared for the answer you don't want to hear.
ANd since some progress is being made why would you do that anyhow?
Are you so miserable in your present situation that you must end it or push him to that end? It sounds more like punishing him or "teaching him a lesson" to me. My DB coach said "life teaches them lessons. It's not a spouses job to do that."
If you are too miserable to go on, I accept that. But you need to be ready for things to go downhill fast instead of progressing...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right now I'm happy with the way things have been. Didn't mean to sound like I wasn't. I don't have R talks with him. I know that's what upsets him. I don't want to give any pressure. I will keep my mouth shut. Something that in the past wasn't possible. But I have learned alot in the last couple of months. It wasn't easy and counseling has really helped also. I do not want to rock the boat!!!!!!!!! Thanks
