Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Of Men or of Angels

Grit,

I started off this post with a simple answer but as usual I ended up with more thoughts, which I wanted to share with you.

First, I agree with many here that I will support you whichever way you decide to go. You have been an inspiration to me! That said….

I guess RIGHT NOW……is what I would call…”where the rubber meets the road”. The man you ARE vs the Man YOU want to be….are they one and the same? Maybe the answer to that question is really the answer you are looking for. If you are struggling with it join the crowd.

I have no doubt that you are not the same man you once were (are any of us after all of this?) However, does she know that? Is she even capable of knowing it right now? Consider this…in her crisis, she may have the felt the same towards you that you feel towards her right now. Could Grit change? Could it be that he really has?

Fear (damn I hate that fuc*er!)….can be so subtle, it can be disguised so many ways. IMHO, you are both afraid, understandable. Yet…who has looked inside and faced it for so long? Who has the tools set to do it NOW? Who can be the leader? Who can take the damn risk? I don’t think it is her – YET. YET….guess who sets that damn timeline? Psst…hint it isn’t her.


Why? Just so that she can “own it”. Seriously…is it better to be right or be happy? Would you rather that she own it and divorce your butt cause you could not wait…but deep inside you really did or would you prefer to take a step back for a sec and see what happens? Consider her view point for a sec…(and yes she may be damaged…but consider it anyway)….Maybe a little bit of time would help both of you. I am not saying time apart…time to get to just find out who each of you really are. Away from the anger, away from the OP. I am not suggesting jumping right in dude, I am suggesting stop looking to get a direct answer and maybe change your conversations to something a bit more pleasant. Hey, I just realized I said the same thing as ML….


RISK….that is the word…is it RISK though or it is really fear. IMO, in any R you bear risk…the risk of a failure…so the fear of getting burned it probably driving your choice and that fear buddy is a beoch! I stood in a home for a long time because it.

Lose the fear…work really hard to lose it.

Personally, I think YOU of all people are equipped enough to take the risk – then again if you are not, maybe you need to ask yourself why.

A few other observations….


Why do you think that RIGHT now she can understand this?


IF she came to you tomorrow and said…”I am broken and I need your help to guide me towards FIXING MYSELF, not that I want YOU to FIX me but help me FIX MYSELF”….would you give more than 50%?


Do you think YOUR actions…YOUR continue request that she own it…contribute to a positive outcome or a negative outcome? Your use of “I know”; although understandable is probably not correct….those words have come back to haunt me many times…”I know”…Do we ever really “know” for sure?


Yes you could…..if you can look past the pain, look past the hurt, look past the OM, look past your own fear..and if you can realize a few other things….

Love….

IMO, you can love someone and NOT want to be with them. It really is okay.

You can love someone that DOES NOT love you back. That is okay too.

But what is love to YOU Grit? You spent more time than I have “standing”…I do not know you as well as many others that post here ..but what I do see and have always see is a man that really loves his wife (damaged and all)…a man that DB’d his as* off. A man that found himself. A man that came to understand so much about live, about R’s… So....

What Grit…would that man do – if he was not afraid?

F*ck what I or anyone else says….Do for YOU Grit! For YOU!


Who controls your peace man? You or her? These are your choices – not hers…not yet….

Grit….are you really ready to let it go?

Ready to let her go?

I hope this did not add to your confusion and I want the best for YOU…

Go read some of your old post buddy….

Remember just how much YOU loved her…and how hard you worked on YOURSELF and then…..

Go be the man I know you are – That guy, will make the right choice. I know he will...if the rubber did meet the road!

You know how to reach me.

God Bless,
Eric

Great post Eric.

I don't need her help. I was asking her for an uncontested D without lawyers. Just file the papers together.

That's it. If she didn't want to I was prepared to do it the hard way.

That may not have been clear in my posts here.

Plain and simple?

I don't want to sign up for more batchit crazy.

My W has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse.

I love her. I have compassion for her.

I cannot consciously choose to sign up for that f@cking ride again.

Can I see her and talk to her and take baby steps. Can I let her go with the greatest of empathy and compassion that I am capable of?

Yes. How we split (if we do) is just as important to me as how we make a new M.

I have no intention of adding to her burden if I can help it.

If anything I seek to ease it.

That may or may not be as her husband.

I don't need to know the answers to the questions I asked her but she does at some point.

I know what happens to you when you don't find those answers. Or you don't even know the questions.

So I at least gave her the question.

It is not for me.

Okay Sir Gritter....( and CS )



What I was getting at, was similar to what Brooklyn stated so eloquently above ( at least most of it )

That taking your time, and seeing what happens CANNOT start with consciously driving her ( at 90mph ) for a divorce. ( That would be the ...a one, a two, a three, crunch part of it )


The consequences of words are often short lived, the consequences of actions will long be remembered...



From the ashes, we rise above...

From this, you will rise above...


As long as you ACT from a place of Dignity , Honor , and Grace ( not you Gracie, the other Grace ) you will prevail as the remake of the original Truegritter....

Not that you were that horrible of a person. Like most, we just had a defective relationship module.

As long as you come from that place stated above, you will be fine, regardless the interaction.

Not because of what she did TO you my brother, rather what she did FOR you...




Let me ask you something though Grit...

Not ruffle the feathers on your Boa or anything....

But why are you choosing now to decide to file for this divorce ?

Why now ?

With everything that you have stood for , why is it just now, that important ?


I don't need these answers, they are for you.

I will support you in ANY way you move my friend, but dammitt, you are gonna think about it first : )

Did you know she had PTSD when you married her?

Hiya Brook!!!!!



I assume you meant me

and

Great minds think alike.



So I am a little slow at reading between the lines......

(and there are alot of them)

Are you going to invite her up for college ball, ribs, and visit with the dog??????

personally I thought it was a good idea.

just sayin'

Cheers

Got it, grit... I understand...

Not sure what your answer to bea's Q is... in my sitch, I did sign up for the ride as I knew my W was a little... touched... as it were...

I didn't expect to change her, although I felt I was always there to support her and I stood because I made my choice...

Now that she wants out, and when she finally files D... I will not attempt to stop her... but I won't file... not because I want to stand in her way, but because it goes against my beliefs...

Once filed... I will entertain and conduct Rs with new women... It is what I want... I would not re-enter an intimate R with my W after the D... I think that's a time, kids or not, when the "UNLESS" condition is valid...

Anyhow, I understand your position...

cheers...

Well here is the answer I got through email:

"It was nice to see you as well. I have given a lot of thought to what you have said and how I feel. I will always love you and I do not regret that we got married. I truly thought it was the best decision at the time. However, I am not sure we are meant to be married and I hope that we can be friends and that we never hold hate in our hearts for one another. I have forgiven you and working on forgiving myself for the pain I have caused myself and those who cared for me during those chaotic moments I had. I know that you tried to do the best and I tried to deal with my identity crisis. I am not sure I did my best, but I did not try to deliberately hurt you or your family. I am trying to move past my past and make better choices. I hope you do as well. I believe that you will find your way and you will have the life you have always dreamed of... YOU do deserve it. So in saying that, I think we should go forward with signing the papers and moving forward. I love you and Dog (he will always be the BEST puppy in the world to me), take care and I will look for your email. Have a nice holiday weekend and be careful.
W"

My first reaction?

Relief.

I am sure I will have other emotions about this.

I would not change any decision I have made. Because:



This is absolutely the truth.

Is there a bell tolling somewhere?

Grit,

This is what I told my XW about a year before we were actually divorced.....

W,
While I do not ever want to go through what I have been through for the last 7 months, I can honestly say that it is the best thing to have happened to me, as an individual, in my entire life. I will stop short of saying thank you but rather I will say that I am thankful for the journey and the experience and the things I have learned about myself.

I know you have also learned much about yourself also and I too am proud to call you one of my friends.

I hope this gives you peace in moving forward with your life and to enjoy it and make the most of it everyday.

Cheers

~C

True, you will have other emotions. That's ok. Let them wash over you.

You have handled this in the way that you wanted - and with dignity and grace.

No one knows what the future holds. But yours will be lived without regret.

I still am not sure what you wanted the result to be. I hope that you are at peace.

T, I know a thing or two about protecting myself. Put up a nice wall around me my whole life. I know about wanting to protect the peace I have worked so hard for. I know about fearing going through what I went through during this time ever again.,

I wish I could tell you that the wall is completely down. It is not. I wish I could tell you that the fear is gone coompletely. It is not.

What I can tell you is that I have promised myself that I will try to never make decisions based on that fear or trying to protect that peace.

Here's why. If I do, then what did I learn? What have I gained?

I'm not saying not to be cautious. That would be dumb. I am saying that sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet and know without a doubt, that you wil be ok.

You will be ok, True. I have no doubt about it.