I keep screwing up in little ways. Before she left I said this: " I don't want to push you into someone else's arms. I know I've f-ed up a lot, but I love you from the bottom of my heart. I want to prove to you that i can be the person you need. Sometimes what we need is right at home.....Do you still have an emotional connection with me?"
W : Yes, because of him ME: How about because of us? W: Somewhat I guess Just show me. Don't tell me.
I think that even though I broke those rules -- I was honest at least --- but could it be positive her saying show me. ? Maybe that is what she wants ?
She just left to go to OW. I'm taking S4 to playplace at Burger King.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Ok, gonna try SO hard to control saying anything that isn't just light. I need to get a rubber band or something and whack my wrist every time i want to open my mouth about R talk. I'm learning. I'm slow but I'm working on it. Marathon not sprint.
25 says the new R will heat up before it peters out. I need to work on me == I'm trying. It's a constnt battle with myself to be still and quiet. WORK WORK WORK on this. Keep coming here for support. You guys are awesome!!!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I keep screwing up in little ways. Before she left I said this: " I don't want to push you into someone else's arms. I know I've f-ed up a lot, but I love you from the bottom of my heart. I want to prove to you that i can be the person you need. Sometimes what we need is right at home.....Do you still have an emotional connection with me?"
W : Yes, because of him ME: How about because of us? W: Somewhat I guess Just show me. Don't tell me.
Not a bad conversation considering you screwed up and started R talk. The good news is you got valuable info. She wants demonstrable changes not words.
So be quiet and BE the changes she wants (Assuming they are valid and authentic for YOU).
Don't highlight them or say "see? See how I've changed? NOW Do you want me???"
I think that even though I broke those rules -- I was honest at least --- but could it be positive her saying show me. ? Maybe that is what she wants ? YES THAT^^^ IS WHAT SHE WANTS!!
She just left to go to OW. I'm taking S4 to playplace at Burger King.
not bad Mary. I wish you had some legal rights to s4 though. IF you are sure you don't, then so be it. But be sure.
So is she a sahm now? And she's willing to give that up for OW who wants to support her and s4?
I doubt she's thought this through much.
Do not ask her.
And know that she knows how you feel. What she needs is to know you can change and you have to be consistent about that or it looks too tactical and you'll revert once she recommits (or so she fears.)
Do the math: consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.
We'll worry about forgiveness and rebuilding trust, when you are in a position to b/c you are not now, my friend.
That's how it is.
Do YOUR work b/c it's your job and it's the only thing you control here.
Hang in there. She has some feelings left for you and she loves s4, right? That's a bond that is hard to beat. If you allay her feelings and help meet her unmet needs, that has to help. Plus, you're a better person for it.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 you are my best friend LOL..... Yes ---- BE QUIET!! I know. I actually did get a rubber band and put it on my wrist like i said. I WILL use it if my heart wants to take control of my mouth!!
Going to movie with W and S4 in a few. At least it got her to leave OW's house to spend time wiht us. That can't be bad
25 anytime i need a 2 x 4 please wallop my a** with it!!!!! Or send me some duct tape for my mouth!!!!!! Actually, funny thing, my DB counselor (Cheryl, awesome) said the OW is not my biggest problem. I AM MY BIGGEST PROBLEM (mouth). You are all correct. I will probably backslide some, but they will be less frequent.
I want her to feel safe in my presence and that I am capable of long term change...... I can be that person. I will!!!!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I wanted to clarify: my wording was wrong. She is not a stay at home mom, she's a clinical mental health therapist - I meant it is easier for her to stay HERE financially (at home) rather than moving out on her own. OW is an elementary school teacher or something.
We did go see the Smurfs. S4 made it all the way through! His first movie. All 3 of us went and had nice family time. I was upbeat and pleasant --- On the inside obsessing over what she had done all afternoon with that OW. But....my tongue is quiet.
One interesting thing though. On the way I was putting on some lipstick in the car. She said "I think you're funny." I said --- Why? W: your whole extreme makeover stuff (**in the last few weeks I've had a new hairstyle, new clothes, lost a bunch of weight, began to wear makeup again...) Me: Well, I'm just trying to improve myself. I've wanted to wear makeup again for a long time but I was afraid it would be too much trouble. I thought I'd go ahead and try it. W: I thought you were trying to 'bag a new chick' Me: Um, no. I am pretty much not in that mode. I'm a family person, and whether things do work with you and I, I want to improve myself regardless. W: You seemed surprised by that comment (about someone new) Me: You know me better than that. My head is not there.
Anyway, movie was fun. Then S4 had a fit on the way home, tantrum!!!!! W was then in a bad mood. Took him over to her parents for a while. Such is life.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Sounds like she was checking your temp again, Mary... or some might call it a "touch and go"...
It was a perfect opportunity to open the doors to see if you are pursuing others, by asking you about your "new look"...
Pretty much impossible to tell if she was hoping or fearing that you might be on the prowl...
Although if she didn't sound "disappointed" (like her comment about you being surprised at her question), then you may have played into her hand by indicating you are still available so she still has her safety net...
Thanks KD. I guess I should have just kind of played along with that stuff. I am just afraid -- what if she WANTS me to go find someone else????? TERROR>
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
You could have simply indicated that you are trying something different and like it... and if it produces any "results", then who knows... (and followed that with a chuckle)...
For nothing else, that would have left her wondering, and might have led to her saying something that might have given you an opportunity to find out what she's thinking...
You can look at it as a lost opportunity to gather more intel, but in the same token, you can try mystery the next time something comes up...
And yes... my W told me that I should see if the grass is greener on the other side, and I vehemently told her that I know the grass isn't greener on the other side...
That was about eight months ago... and she's continued down her path of destruction, regardless... so while I feared she might really be happy if I was looking elsewhere, it didn't matter if I wasn't...
make sense?
Mystery is a good thing... it doesn't have to be about an OP... it is an opportunity to GAL and the side effect is your W might become curious about you... start moving towards you...
Point well taken KD. Point well taken. I need to stop reassuring her that I will always be here. She knows how I feel. But if there is some mystery, she may start to question about the grass, etc..... Got it. Like everything else, I gotta apply it.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Point well taken KD. Point well taken. I need to stop reassuring her that I will always be here. She knows how I feel.
THIS ^^^ IS TRUTH...pay attention to it.
But if there is some mystery, she may start to question about the grass, etc..... Got it. Like everything else, I gotta apply it.
YES YES YES...understand and implement...
(consistent changes + time = her believing it's true & trusting the changes)
Don't make it obvious you are waiting forever b/c that may be how long she takes...
you have to let her believe that she is risking something by doing this...and isn't she?
If not, what's the downside for her?
NOT saying for you to be punitive or lie
...just get and keep some mystery about the new you. Don't volunteer info or keep telling her you'd never be with OW. Truth is, you probably WILL someday if she leaves for good...seriously, are you going to be alone and celibate the rest of your life otherwise?? NO you are not, don't even go there.
If you look as if you are preparing for being "out there" again then trust me, that will bother her. She will notice and it will NOT sit well even if she says "go ahead and date OWs" as some wives here have told their h's.
If a real OW found and loved their h's I believe close to 100% of those same women would turn around and protect "their turf"...
I just feel strongly that it's a rare woman who is truly indifferent to the spouse.
So Read those rules again. Remember, you have had an "awakening" --you now realize--
you will be fine no matter what SHE does
she does not determine YOUR Happiness, you & only you do-
got it? Yeah I know it's sort of high schoolish...(welcome to the DB world)
Okay so I gotta GAL myself now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
