I'm so sorry you find yourself here - but welcome. ((((hug)):)
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One thing that continues to nag at me about the DB concepts is that this is really for me and not for my H or my marriage. I have to admit that I have not fully embraced this. I want to, but my primary motive still feels like I am doing this to save my marriage. Does it just take awhile to get beyond the marriage focus? There is a consistent message throughout this board that it is all about fixing yourself and not about fixing the marriage. And I get that in theory. I am having difficulty getting the focus off my marriage and on to me.
This is a very, very difficult concept but once you understand it (and it's not a thing you can rote learn, it kind of has to grow on you, with you and in you) you're life will change.
The MLCer, WAS, wandering spouse ... whatever we want to call them.... is in deep emotional pain. He/she is disatisfied with life, thought there would be more, he thought he would be more fulfilled, he thought he would be HAPPY.
They know they are unhappy, they know they are unfulfiled, but they are so used to looking to their external environment for their happiness that they don't understand the pain and sadness is inside them. They had such expectations about what their adulthood would look like ... and FEEL like .... and they don't feel how they thought they would.
So they do what they've always done when they are unhappy. They look at their life, pick the things that they'd most like to FEEL better about and set about changing them.
They honestly think, that if they just find a new partner (or a new BMW or a new fishing boat or a bigger, wider flat screen TV) they will be happy and fulfilled.
Of course what is really happening is that they are responding to very base emotional responses. Their decisions aren't rational, because it's not the adult making them, it's the hurt, abused, neglected, traumatised (whatever their family of origin issue has left) little boy or girl in them, throwing away the things in their life they do have (not unlike a child having a tantrum throws their toys) and trying to find a whole set of new ones, so that they can be HAPPY.
The hardest thing for us to understand is that we have no option but to love and respect them enough to let them go through whatever it is they need to go through. They are dealing with things that are not about you. They are dealing with issues that in their blindness to find "happiness" they think you are actually making worse. He honestly thinks right now that if he just falls in love again, everything will be OK. That's why affairs are so addictive ... because in the very early stages of a new romance, that is what it feels like. It feels wonderful.
Of course it won't last - his deep unhappiness will still be there - the new woman can't fulfil him anymore than you could - because no one can fulfil us except ourselves. The people we love are all a part of our happiness and our divine link to the universe - but ultimately we are born alone and we die alone and our happiness is directly related to our emotional health and maturity.
So now we get back to why you DB. All of us are a little guilty of depending on our partner for our Happiness and our emotional health. You are so sad right now, because he has taken himself, a very important part of your emotional health, away. He simply doesn't have enough to give you right now .... that means, you need to rebuild your own emotional resources.
What DBing teaches us, particularly as we GAL and detach, is that we have all the resources inside us, as our divine birth right, to live as a strong, happy, resilient person no matter who is in our life.
Soemtimes I think about men like Nelson Mandela – over 20 years in prison, but with enough internal resources that he never became a “prisoner”. He had no lover there, no advisors, just tormentors … and he still made it and came out a victor. He had a deep personal belief and investment in changing what he saw was wrong with the world … and it sustained him and changed the world.
DBing teaches us to find our happiness from within. In some ways we get a head-start on our MLCer!!
While this happens, there is a whole heap of other stuff going on. The energy that we radiate changes. I don’t know why it does, but it does. When he no longer feels your “need” for him, he won’t feel so desperate to break away from it. Right now, you are one of the “drains” on his energy that he thinks is contributing to his unhappiness. As you get stronger, you become someone who people gravitate towards … just watch it happen.
Take care you gorgeous thing. Your writing is so warm and intelligent and I know you feel like the world will never be the same again right now – and that’s true – but we are never sent anything we are not strong enough to handle and you, delightful woman, have all the resources within you and within your grasp to get through this and come out the other end grateful for the lessons.
I wonder why so many of the DB principles are so counter intuitive.
OPPOSITE is something that you will find out is very basic to DB'ing and midlife in general.
Their is some science in the reason that this is the way things work.
I will try to keep this as short an explanation as possible so bear with me.
One of the causes of MLC is that when the MLC'er goes into crisis their hormones become the OPPOSITE of what they have been during most of their adult life.
This can cause some very bizarre behavior as you are witnessing.
So when the opposite behavior starts the LBS must try some things that are OPPOSITE of what is expected. 180 or counter intuitive, normal advice no longer works. SO that is why we must try to DB, Do what works.
Heart Blessings stages of MLC and sermons might explain this a little more in detail. The sermons has a section about being the opposite,be sure to read it. Along with the DR book.
Walking has given you an excellent explanation too.
Good golly, you have given me a lot to think about. Thank you. I hope by some miracle and osmosis this transformation takes place in me, and yields an incredible woman. I am open to this taking place. So it seems to me, that we get down to two things......
My hopeful success of keeping my marriage in tact depends on
1. Me getting a life and drawing my husband back through my transformation.
2. My husband working his way through the stages of MLC...... and there are no assurances that he will make his way through this maze.
Do I have this correct?
So what does the profile of a person who successfully works through his MLC look like? Who makes it? Who doesn't?
There is something in the concept of opposites that is encouraging to me so I am all hands on deck with this idea. I think I am having difficulty understanding what some of my 180's need to be at this point.
My H texted me tonight that he told his Mom and other family members about our separation. He told them not to contact me and that I would be in touch when it was ok with me. What do I so with that? His family loves drama, so I don't want to make a big scene that they can play with and fester with for their own self satisfaction. They will call me I am sure. Do I take their calls? What should my stand be with regard to his family. Sadly enough I don't have family who will care, so my side of things doesn't matter. I would love to know the 180 to do with respect to his family. Can anyone help me with this? I want to implement 180's as soon as possible. Thank you.
You have great advice - Walking said everything i would want to say, only better.
Now as to his family. That is somewhat tricky.. The family situation is often, as Walking pointed out, at the core of the crisis. Sometimes the WAS' family are devastated with the WAS and angry, sometimes they believe all the WAS tells them about the marriage. In my case my MIL supported me and my xh siblings totally bought into his story and never contacted me at all. Usually blood is thicker than water though.
It is early days. I would certainly talk to them if they contact you, but resist giving your side of the 'story'.
Just say something like you are desperately sad about it, and trying to sort yourself out, that you love them [or like them or whatever is true] and would like to keep in touch. There is no obligation to explain anything. If your h has told them some tall stories this will gradually become apparent to them.
It has often been said that time is our friend. It is, in that time is needed to work through this crisis, and time is needed to reveal the truth of situations.
As to changing. This change is exacted from us in part as we struggle to come to terms with our loss and our grief. Practising the daily habit of gratitude is very important. Focus on what we do have, on any positives, rather than the loss. It helps, I promise. If you can find 6 things every morning and evening to be grateful for, you will feel better about life.
25 years MLC, a very wise poster here, says think AFRICA. We aren't living there. Small things like a loving phone call from a friend, a nice cup of coffee, a good hair day.
Take care of yourself. Exercise, it makes you feel and look better, dress nicely even if you are cleaning house. Keep your hair and nails in good shape, and so on. For yourself, not to lure your h back.
It is possible that your h's crisis has been coming on for sometime, without your realising it. Like you, I was blindsided, but looking back I can see the signs. I couldn't have done anything different. With true MLC it is well nigh unavoidable, I believe, unless the MLCer decides to do something, realising that all is not well [and this is rare].
However, I believe during the run up to the bomb we do become somewhat co-dependent, and recovering from that will help you to feel better.
Is there anything you have always wanted to do and not been able to, because you h doesn't enjoy it, or you didn't have time? You are becoming an empty nester. Plan on doing some things over the next few months that you have always wanted to do. And try wherever possible to take the focus off your h and put it on you and your children.
One huge positive that I see in you is that you aren't wailing 'Why me?' That is a sign of real maturity and grace. [You may feel it at times!] Sorry you are here, but welcome.
I took your advice with H's family, and simply said I was sad, but did not think this had anything to do with our marriage, that I made a wise choice 25 years ago with my decision to marry my H and I stand behind that committment. I thanked them for their support. So far so good. Have heard back from one family member who commented that she was amazed at my positive attitude.
I am not sure if I am supposed to keep going on this post or start another one, but I want to tell you all that I feel so good about getting through this long holiday weekend and surviving in the face of H's moving out this weekend.
Our youngest son, who is the only one at home now, did finally visit H's new place. He told me it is simple. I did not ask any questions. My H has called here 4 times this weekend and I have taken 2 of the 4 calls.
I don't know why, but I feel some sense of accomplishment with getting through this long weekend intact and not pleading or begging H to come home.
Thank you for helping me with this. I hate like heck what this is doing to our boys, but I know I can't control that right now. I will do the best I can to be a stellar example to them of grace under fire. They will learn from this yes? And like many of you have said to me, the separation is some how a relief...... I did not expect this. I am sure there will be many more low points ahead. I am grateful that today, this moment, I do not feel total despair.
Back - glad you are feeling OK for the moment. It is good to have periods of relative well being.
I think it is like climbing a mountain, or steep hill. You toil onwards and upwards, and it isn't until you look back you see how far you have come, and sometimes how far there is still to go.
What I am going to say now is very much my opinion, and I do not want to give you false hope, but it seems positive to me that your h isn't mean and wants to stay involved with his children. Many do not. But even a 'short' MLC takes time and patience. You will have to dig deep within you, and it will exact a change on you.
A great challenge, and one none of us would have asked for!
If you haven't visited Valeria's new thread you might find it interesting. I remember her from way back, and she had a very very mean MLCer.
I am thinking about looking into another job that would enable me to be at home more. I love my current job, but I do have to travel some. Usually three or so days a month. I do not want to do this now with us in separation, during my sons's last year of high school, even though H is very reliable and willing to cover when I am gone. Long story on why I feel this way, don't want son to feel the need to stay at his D's place if he doesn't want to do so etc etc. My gut level mother gut is kicking in and telling me to be around more this year. I am not sure if I am being over the top reactionary or if this is something I should listen to and respond. What do you think? My H thinks i am crazy beccause I love my current job, and he says he will be able to cover anything at home that needs covering when I am gone. I do have a job opportunity that has come my way recently and I have an interview on Thursday, so maybe that will help me decide.
My H is a good Dad. Very involved with our three boys even in his MLC. He prides himself on being a good Dad. It is definitely an identity issue for him. He asked today if he could take #3 son to look at college campuses in the next month. I said of course. I know I am supposed to just focus on me right now, and I promise to make better progress with this, but I hope and pray H misses being with his son everyday and realizes what he is giving up. I know I have to surrender this type of thinking.
I will try to post a conversation I had with our cleaning lady, Rita who is from Brazil and speaks very little English. She is an expert in going dark and DBing, but doesn't know it. She was my angel this past weekend.
