I am new to the DB online world, however have been actively DBing for 6 months. My husband dropped the bomb a year and a half ago with I don't love you anymore etc. Last summer we attempted counseling without success. I think in retrospect he was in the angry phase of his MCL. The 6 or so sessions we had with the counselor were spent with husband spewing hostile and angry accuasations at me, so I told the C and H that I did not think Counseling was productive at this time.
We spent the next year esseentially in limbo land. I have been meeting with a DB coach off and on this past year. Lots of good advice and help from her. She feels my H is in a MLC and she helped me with 180's and detaching methods. Our situation is a little odd in that as my husband woudl say, "we live together really well". We don't have horrible arguments or ugly words. He states he has been emotionally distant from our relationship for years. He would like to have a relationship with someone he feels he would like to marry all over again tomorrow. He is an attorney and he says he sees couples in middle age so much in love, and he wants to be one of those, but that he can't with me because it is too little too late. It is pretty much the classic story.
I have suggested he go out in the world and find his bliss. that he is free to go. For a year he did nothing to act on this. This summer he found a rental house about 5 minutes from our home. He plans to move out Sept 1st. We have three beautiful sons. S1 is 21, S2 is 19 and S3 is 17 and will be a senior this year in highschool. last weekend all three were home and H told them he was moving out to have some distance. They were told last Thanksgiving that we were struggling and working on our relationship, so it did not come as a huge shock. But the response from our boys just about killed me. They wept. It was the hardest thing I have ever witnessed. Later H said he thought it went really well, that they are such great young men and they were so adult in their response. I wanted to say that he was drinking his own koolaid, but I refrained and said that I saw it very differently.
I now measure each moment in my life as good when I don't feel like I have to throw up. I feel like I am going through the day sucker punched continuously. He will leave in the next week or so. I tried to get him to move out immediately per the advice of my DB coach, but he said he couldn't do that with the lease agreement.
My question for anyone out there is this: How do I act with him now that he has finally taken the initiative to move out? Do I act like the friend he would like to come home to? (he would like this, much cleaner for him) Or do I go dark?, which I know something about but I could use some helpful tips with this, as it is not my nature. I am hoping the five of us survive this rollercoaster ride.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Detach. - The single most important thing you can do
You have been given a GIFT The gift of TIME. - Use is wisely.
I now measure each moment in my life as good when I don't feel like I have to throw up. I feel like I am going through the day sucker punched continuously. He will leave in the next week or so. I tried to get him to move out immediately per the advice of my DB coach, but he said he couldn't do that with the lease agreement.
My question for anyone out there is this: How do I act with him now that he has finally taken the initiative to move out? Do I act like the friend he would like to come home to? (he would like this, much cleaner for him) Or do I go dark?, which I know something about but I could use some helpful tips with this, as it is not my nature.
Whatever you DO, should be so that you do not feel like what is in BOLD above.
You need to work on feeling better about yourself and your future.
There is NOTHING that you are going to DO that is going to change him.
WORRY about you and your sons, and let him worry about what HE is going to do.
Personally I suggest going dark and the link is above, but the general consensus is to let him control the contact and MIRROR him.
Thank you so much for your response. I was worried I would not get any feed back, and I am grateful for your suggestions. I have read Divorce Remedy about 5 times. I feel like it is my bible at the moment. I almost get nervous if I am traveling or out of town and forget to bring it with me. (somewhat of a joke) I would welcome other book suggestions on the subject of MLC. I will get busy with your link list below. Thank you.
My biggest fear about the impending separation is that he will love his solitude and living alone. My H is also, not one to waffle on decisions. Good friends of ours who know my H well, said, he has checked out and won't be back. I know the warning from MWD's books not to listen to friends advice during this time, but it is hard to totally ignore when you know your friends know your H so well. I fear H won't have the humility to admit he made a mistake. That he will just move forward at any cost. I know I can't control any of it. but it is still is a fear of mine.
I am working on me quite a bit. I have made a decision to look into a new job that will keep me at home more for my youngest son who is a senior this year. My current job requires some travel and that does not feel good to me with respect to my son and being here for him. H would always step up to the plate, he is a wonderful father, but since S and I will be in our home for this separation, I want to be here with S consistently. I don't want to have to ask H for help. I have some good girl friends who I can count on to do things together. I tend to be the type of person who withdraws when I am in a struggle, but I am aware of this and will try to stay busy and extend myself.
Thank you for you comments about the staging in MLC. I have been a little over board in trying to diagnosis where H is in the process I think. I find that anything sort of objective that I can make sense of at this time in my life is like a life jacket and I cling to any information that helps me put some perspective to this dust storm I am in the middle of.
I agree that time is my friend. I need to embrace this more.
I am so grateful that you are responding to my situation. Thank you. I think if I can surrender the outcome more, I will have less of a visceral response. I want to let go more. I know it would be better for me, the family, H, and all involved. So hard to do. I am a little disappointed that I can't do better with letting go. My head is much father along than my heart.
The dilemma with my response to H now that we are separating.....
He has expressed that he wants us to be "good friends". He says, he envisions that even if we are divorced, we will spend time together and enjoy family time together etc. (makes me sick to my stomach) Feels all lovey dovey, a hip groovy "evolved" kind of relationship. This is not acceptable to me. I think he would like this arrangement because it would make him look good. So that the world around us would say, "oh well, it was a relationship that just wasn't meant to last forever, but look at what good friends they are." YUK!! I get the mirroring idea, but I think if I mirror him, he will think, yes, this is just how I thought it could be, really really friendly. Do you know what I mean?
When the LBS goes dark, does the WAS view this as fuel for why they left? I think in my mind going dark seems more negative than neutral. So I may need to do some more work with the going dark idea.
Back welcome to the board and sorry for your pain I know how hard it is
Your question do I go dark or remain friendly???
Good question and I rmember struggling with this for a long time some go dark right from the start some start up a new friendly relationship
I think whatever workks best for you right now to help you heal If you can remain friends and be supportive of his joirney they will prompt a friendship
If you go dark..it will promote distance and he may be more upset because they typically want to keep a foot in both worlds and they want us to forgive them and accept their choices.. will either way work better to bring him home?? I have seen both ways done on the board and I see no way works better DB says do what works..what brings the R closer?? closer in a MLC way ---Im not sure take your time and remenber focus on your healing now peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
When the LBS goes dark, does the WAS view this as fuel for why they left? I think in my mind going dark seems more negative than neutral. So I may need to do some more work with the going dark idea.
NO going DARK is for YOU.
To take the love that you have and put it in a safe place. To preserve it for later, because right now it will do you no good.
You must LET GO, that is the first part of your journey and until you do that you will both be stuck.
I just realized that your posts are being moderated because I didn't see these responses until today but they are from the weekend. Keep posting and when you get to enough the moderation will go away.
While you are waiting keep working on the homework.
We just had a book recommendation thread most recently that I wrote down a lot of books, mostly from the resources.
If you can not find it let me know and I will give you a link to your thread.
Keep asking questions, the only bad ones are the ones that you don't ask.
As a veteran of this board, you know the great value of having "someplace" to go with questions and concerns, but it has hit me hard how much I need this right now. It is not enought to talk with my DB coach every month or so. This is hands on help and I am so appreciative. Thank you for your comments and suggestions.
My H will leave our home this Friday and it will be the first time in 25 years we are not living under the same roof. I have lived for almost 2 years now, with a lot of pain from his MLC and if nothing else maybe this separation will yield something different than the gut level angst of the recent past. I want to emerge from this pain for myself. And I want to stop worrying about my H's pain. It feels horrible to separate, but it feels worse to beg him to stay. I want to be an example to my three young adult sons, that they can respect and trust to look to me as a good example of when the going gets tough.
As you say, DB says do what works. I still don't know what works with this whole separation thing for me, but I guess I am going to find out real soon. I guess another thing about doing what works is that you have to try a few things that may or may not work and make adjustments accordingly. What does not work is good information too i guess?
I'm so sorry you are in this place, but you are in the best place you can imagine as far as finding people who will help you and really understand what you're going through.
I really picked up on how hurt you sound--the feeling of sucker punched, feeling like you have to vomit, just that "sick" feeling you're getting over a lot of this. I really went through that too. I tried to remain cordial and interact with my XH once he moved out and found that I was getting that visceral feeling in my stomach when all I saw was his name on an incoming email message or a text message. I grew to dread the contact because it always hurt. It didn't matter if he was being kind or mean or whatever, just his distance and lack of understanding for my pain was excruciating.
I did eventually go dark for several months in that I never contacted him but only responded if I had to when he contacted me, and then I went TOTALLY dark for 5 months when I blocked him entirely and had contact only with an intermediary. I am in contact again with him now a tiny bit, but that's only because it has been over a year and I have a level of some detachment I didn't have before.
You're still early in this, and I think it sounds like you're leaning towards "dark" but worried about how he'll perceive it.
I guess my best advice is to say that in the end, the most important person here is you and your sanity and your ability to function. And if you have a terrible time living like a normal person with trying to fit what he wants--this friendship idea--then you have to protect yourself.
I think there is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that you're about to "lessen contact" or whatever you want to call it and just simply say that it's too painful for you to do anything otherwise. That you love him, that you wish it didn't have to be this way, but that you have to do what gets you through the day.
It is going to be very tough to be without him this weekend. My XH and I lived together for 23 years and I had never lived one day alone before that, so yeah, I know exactly what you're going to go through. But if you have been on a rollercoaster with his ups and downs, it will actually feel like a bit of a relief--it's just that a whole host of other issues will creep in.
Just keep posting your way through it. There are so many who will help.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Yes, it seems my posts take awhile to process. Thank you for explaining the moderating piece.
First of all I read all of the threads you sent me in your newly revised list of resources. We were in the throws of hurricane Irene this past weekend, so I used the time to hunker down and read everything. Thank you very much. It is an excellent composite covering all the things we need to address. I found the debate on "standing" interesting. Lots of different stands on that topic forgive the pun.
So I am ready to go dark. My H moves out this Friday, two days from now. He is renting a cottage about 5 minutes away from our home. He says "I will love it". I am not planning on seeing it. He is taking a few things with him, but not much as it is a furnished place. It is a 10 month lease as the owners use it the months of July and August. I am truly sick about this move with my youngest son starting his senior year of high school, but I have no choice. I have been in NYC with number 2 son this past two days at the U.S. Open. We have had a ball. I did text H while away to see if he had told our three boys that this Friday is D day for moving out. He got back to me and said "No". I did not respond. He later texted me to say that he will tell them. I don't know when, as he has only one day left.
So to go dark, I will not call him. Unless something critical for the boys. This is all such foreign territory for me, I don't know what to expect. If he calls me should I not respond? Just totally ignore him for awhile? I do get this concept in theory, but it sure feels weird in reality. To my knowledge H has not told his Mom or his other family members that he is doing this. I won't ask about this correct?
I hear you loud and clear about the letting go and I think I get that. I really do need to do this, dear god almighty, I don't want to be "stuck" any longer than I have been. I have not really let go in the last year and a half, holding out hope, he will see the light. Clearly it has not worked.
Regarding books, yes I would like reccomendations. Have read most of MWD's books, but have not explored the KLA stuff. Should I do that, or is it premature? Also read 5 Love Languages, but it did not do much for me I have to admit.
