Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Of Men or of Angels

Which method would you call this?

What different paths do you have from point A to point B?

Is this a step or a leap?

Just thoughts Gritter. Just thoughts.

Oh True, when I first read this, my first reaction was no................ !!! Please dont let his man with such a huge heart get hurt.

But, then I started to think about it. All of us have some threads of similarities in our situations, but, we are all unique. Different people, different circumstances.

Some of us will get apologies, some wont. Some never hear from their spouses, some hear from them all the time, some spew, some dont and then there are those that are just plain crazy like mine.

Point of all that is this. There are no one size fits all answers for what to do when we have conversations like the one you had.

The truth is that I think if you have any doubts, any questions, well, then you aint done.

And knowing the type of man you are, you need to have no regrets.

So, tread lightly, my friend. Do not forget what you've learned or how far you've come.

Think it all through and take good care.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie.

I was thinking the other day about this similar condition...

It struck me about the phrase the MLC/WAS uses:

"Too little, too late..."

The LBS thinks to themselves, "how? it's always worth the try..."

Yet in the end, I think the statement is more a projection of the WAS...

They're too deep... to far gone... to many "dragons"...

For THEM... it's too little, too late for THEM to change their mind and turn their back on their fan club... who had supported them in leaving...

You are a good man, TG... from what I know of you... slay your dragons and allow her dragons to do as they will...

TG, you wife is a fragile and damaged person. Someone you took on and loved deeply. You didn't deserve what ahppened, but she can't put it right on her own.

She is still somewhat in MLC - it doesn't end, as you well know, with the snap of the fingers. What you say is fine, fair and rational, but not what you would say, imo, to a damaged, scared and hurting woman who has just said sorry. MHL is right, gently does it. It won't come right in a few weeks, if it ever does. Look at WCW, look at Holly, time and infinite patience and gentleness.

What you have to decide simply is whether it is worth it, for an unknown outcome.

Yes it is true. I am not saying I don't have compassion for her.

What I have learned is that allowing that to feed a decision to let myself open up to a process

...to let myself enter into a relationship that is dysfunctional in the sense that I am the fixer, the rescuer, the one always giving more that 50% to the effort.

Well I have learned that can be very unfulfilling and full of dispapointment and heartache. Very painful.

It is not a M. It is one person dragging the other. It is co-dependent.

If that is the case (and I am not sure it is or it is not) I know that I cannot engage in that because it will not serve me or her.

Right now I do not have that information. I know she won't ask for the chance because of the damage she has felt she has done.

So the question is do I risk myself and ask to see her again?

What do I have to lose? I have to answer that.

Brook thanks for stopping by. I will take it slow....

TIME.

The Gift that she gave to you at the beginning.

True - I understand what you are saying - and I would never advocate a co-dependent relationship. Restoration of a relationsihp at any cost is not the object is it? But restoration/remaking of a relationship if it can be, is after all, a major reason why we are here, and supporting each other along the way. Lots of other reasons I know . . .

Agree with Cadet and others, Time and taking it slow.

I would say that in all good marriages each partner gives more than 50% if that makes sense.

Thanks Beatrice.

Yes I do understand. I know you weren't suggesting that. I was more telling it to myself.

My empathy and compassion can lead me to wrong decisions. Ones where I am unaware of the costs to me.



My point is, it is not healthy for me to be in a relationship that is not evenly yoked.

Where there is a pervasive imbalance of love, respect, devotion to the other.

On the whole there should be mutual portions of those qualities that make healthy relationship. I recognize that there may be times where one has to lean on the other. The one must be stronger. And this has been one of those times.

Someone in crisis. Someone dealing with childhood trauma cannot do that.

Until they decide to heal themselves.

If my W tells me (and she has) that she doesn't know if she won't be the same person, act the same way again, make selfish choices...

I should believe her.

If I keep making excuses for that I am not helping her, our M or myself.

This is tough. It is a fine line between my commitment to my W and putting myself at risk if I know she is not ready for that and may never be.

I have to determine some small step toward that. Toward allowing her to express what she is afraid to express.

While at the same time letting her know that I am not the barrier or the executioner to our M.

I don't accept her walking away from this because she believes she IS her choices from this crisis.

That she IS screwed up. I won't accept that excuse.

She may believe it but it won't be reinforced by me.

I also know I cannot fix her in this regard.

the difference between WAS and MLC WAS is the time involved.

Time at first seems like our enemy, then our ally...and then it is the MLC WAS enemy, when too much has passed.

too much...

"too much..." That is defined by the LBS, and subjective, we each have our own definition.

Grit,

No matter what...I have faith in you, no matter what you choose to do, or do not. Your path is going to be one of little regret.
To paraphrase Mach...now is the time to reap.

...that secret from which one never quite recovers, that even in the most perfect love, one person loves less profoundly than the other.

Thornton Wilder
"Bridge of San Luis Rey"

I sent this email to W yesterday:

"It was really nice to see you on Monday.

When I asked you what do you want to do your answer has been bothering me.

You said you wanted to divorce because you didn’t think I could accept you the way you are.

W please don’t make a decision based on what you think I want or what you think I will do or how I feel.

You don’t know what that is.

So I will ask you again and I want YOUR answer. What do YOU want? For your own reasons.

So you will not have any regrets.

Why do you want a divorce?"

I have realized some things over the passed several days. I have been trying to reconcile my love for my W and sharing a life with her.

Or not sharing a life with her.

All the while the fear of what happened in our M looms large. Pin pointing it is difficult but I think it is this:

When it came down to a choice between our M and a choice of something against it and/or against herself she chose the path of destruction. She chose the short term escape rather than the long term commitment.

I will never know the depths of the pain she felt during these times. She did tell me on Monday that it was like torture that she could only choose to make it stop by running away and that was not helping our M.

So the question becomes is it safe?

This is not a question for me as much for her. If I do not believe that she knows the difference between a loving choice for me and our M and one that is not, then I should have made tracks a long time ago.

That person is there. She is scared. She doesn't trust herself. She does not believe herself to be lovable. Because of what she has chosen in the past. So the easiest way for her is to say what she believes:

"We should divorce because you don't like me."

For me? If she does believe and begin to trust herself again.

Maybe I could too?

There is nothing to do here until she does.