Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis An Apology from my MLC ex-wife

I am proud of you DUDE....

And honored to know you...

For many of us, you are the model of success!


Eric

Great stuff MHL.



Love this.

Keep doing the right thing. And you're bound to head in the right direction.

Peace.

Attaboy, M. Well done you.

Good for you man. You're an inspiration to many.

Tad

MHL-

"And the winner is.......



My story? You know it already.
Most of these sitches are all the same other than dates and times. Infidelity or MLC. Mine was the former.

Back when I was copy and pasting stuff from your thread and posts to theirs, you were posting with PEI, TrueGritter, J Deere and Bear.

Like it was a club or something.

LLF1
Live Laugh Fortitude (or fun!)
1 Day at a TIME

Wait. It's not a club? <drat>

MHL, been following the thread. Glad to hear your daughter is doing so much better. Sounds like you and your son are as well. The good thing would be if you can help support a relationship, should it happen, with your W and D.

My thought there? Be protective and be cautious. It is not likely that she'll "snap" out of it. More likely fits and starts if a relationship were to take hold there. I cannot for the life of me think your W is done with the process yet. Not based on what I read here...

Enjoy Mexico. Viva la vida loca, amigo.

AJ

Update time…..
Sorry I have not been around lately. I have been focusing on work lately which is a good thing. I have found a “new normal” in my life. I guess that the business of living that life takes up a lot of my time. It amazes me how “on hold” my life was for a long time and how the turmoil in my marriage interrupted the “balance” in my life.

Well, since my last update about 2 months ago when my XW sent an apology letter, we have been getting along fine. I have allowed myself to interact with her a little more and I am currently working with her to help our son who is struggling a little in school. (nothing major….he just needs less video games and more study time).

There has not been anymore from my XW concerning the apology, our relationship, or anything else. My D14 is working with her therapist to send letters back and forth with her mother as a means of communication. I am not involved at all, however the therapist is enthusiastic about my D14’s progress. The therapist has also spoken with my XW to explain the process of the letters and that the goal of the communication is to help our D14.

Well out of the blue yesterday I get the following text from my XW…….

XW: I have a question for you..

MHL: Shoot

XW: I know this seems way out in left field..but are you and your girlfriend getting married? I had a dream last night you are.

MHL: I don't mind you asking, but why are you asking?

XW: I had a dream and it seemed very real when I woke up and I just needed to know.

XW: I can't concentrate right now and that is what I keep playing over in my head.

MHL: Does it bother you, how are you feeling about it?

XW: Yes, it does bother me. and my heart hurts.

XW: That is why I need to know.

MHL: I know that pain, why does your heart hurt?

XW: I can't imagine u being married to someone else. can you please tell me??

MHL: No, there are no plans to get married. If you can't imagine that then what is it that you want?

XW: Thank you for telling me! I want both of us and our kids to be happy. Not sure what that picture is yet..but I keep praying!!!

MHL: You are not happy? What are you praying for?

XW: U are full of questions today aren't you??? LOL!!! I pray for all of us to be happy! I am at a point in my life I never thought I would be. But I think God is trying to teach me several lessons. I feel like the man left in the desert to find his way in life.

XW: Are you happy???

MHL: I am happy, but not because I am with or without someone........I am happy with me.

XW: Good that is great to hear!

MHL: Do you want to talk about it?

So my XW came over to the house last night, she has done this before in the last couple of weeks in order to visit with our S11 when he was supposed to go over to her place but instead stayed at home with me because he needed my help with homework. Lets just say that I am better equipped to help with some of the math homework than my XW. This is one of the ways that we are communicating better since the apology, and it is nice to work together for the common good of our S11. D14 was at friend’s house working on a project.

After helping our S11 with his homework, my XW and I sat down and talked.

She did most of the talking. She told me how she wonders if we have a chance to work things out again but is unsure. She is still scared that things would go back to the way they were, meaning that I would revert to old habits. My XW did not talk about her role in the downfall of our marriage and there were no apologies or remorse just talk of being unsure.

She was concerned about infringing on my current relationship and she said that she did not want to give me “false hope”. When she said that it sent a little bit of a chill down my spine, not because I had any hope for anything but rather it was a flashback to the days of her lies and the storm and everything else. I can remember her using those exact words many times before.

We spoke openly about “us” and the past and shared with each other that we both missed being a spouse in a marriage and that the mundane things in life are the things that bring us joy in a relationship. Things like coffee on the patio, working in the yard together, getting the kids ready for school, going on vacation.

My XW started to open up a little more and she said that when we were doing chores around the house that she wanted to be “with” me while we were doing things. If I was outside working on the yard, she wanted to be out there working in the yard, if I was upstairs folding laundry, she wanted to be upstairs with me.

She went on to say that she thinks about the good times now and that it is hard to remember the bad times.

I was honest with her and told her that our roles have reversed and that I think more about the bad times now and that I try not to think about the good times in the past because it is painful.

She also said that it has been nice to interact with me over the last 2 months and that she is enjoying it. She called it a “baby step”, she did not say what it was a baby step to nor did she say what she wants. She did say that she is not sure what it is that she wants.

She said that she is trying to be happy on her own, by herself. She volunteered that she is not dating anyone and that work is keeping her happy right now. She said that if she did not have work that she would probably sleep all day. Depression ????

It was getting to be a little late and it was time for my D14 to come home so she decided to leave. I gave her a good long hug and a peck on the check and she returned the friendly kiss and she held on tight while we were hugging.

Sorry for the length.

What I came away with is this…..

She is still on her journey…..she even said so…….I told her that I hope she does find happiness and contentment in being on her own. I think that she is still checking to make sure that I am still an option, I told her that also and she acknowledged the fact. I stated that if I got married that I was not an option for her anymore and she agreed.

I think that she feels herself moving on her journey and she is checking on the things around her. In a way I think that she has been stuck for a long time and the people around her have kept on moving. I see her moving through her MLC, and I also see that she is not done. I think that she is coming to realize that she is not happy where she is at and that the grass is not so green on the other side.

The lesson for all of us is that it is not about finding that green patch of grass but rather learning to grow the green grass under your own feet.

For me, I am remain happy and I am a little surprised that I am unaffected by this latest development. I have waited over 2 years to hear that my XW cared about me, and it finally came but my path remains the same.

Cheers

MHL, what gave me the "chill" you describe is her saying the part about not wanting YOU to revert to old habits...because that, coupled with her not talking about herself anymore, again made it seem like she was externalizing the problems of the marriage on to you. I had this bizarre flash, when I read that, of my XH someday saying the same thing to me and it all but enraging me ;-) because I know very well that I've made a ton of good changes for me and he's in Stucksville from what I can tell.

BUT.

I also admit that I'm reading that part as a spouse scorned. There are a million reasons that a person might say that and NOT the other stuff, and one may frankly be embarrassment or even care. As in, she can see that you've become a better person, and she is almost indicating that she doesn't want to fool with YOU and YOUR life, which is a different way to view that statement.

In any case, what I'm happy to hear is that you were unaffected by this and staying with your path. You have a really good sense of detachment about her now and that's going to keep serving you well.

Glad to hear from you.

You are an inspiration man.

I love this too:



Keep us posted.

Tad

Yup it sounds like she is sticking to the script, no real surprises there.

Maybe she has left replay and is in depression/withdrawal stage.

But you are correct that she is still within her crisis.

Good job listening and being her stanchion.

I am glad you are doing well MHL.