Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New here, not new to this: Still not easy...

Agreed... my children are my lifesavers.. Just like they were the first time he dropped the "I don't love you bomb" and left. If it wasn't for my children and needing to be strong for them and heck... just needing to be their caretakers... (someone has to get them pottied and fed in the morning) it would be soooo easy to nurse the pain.


Sigh... The book says that when a spouse says they don't love you that they are coming from a place of pain. I understand that. But I'm also starting to believe every word that comes out of his mouth. He says it with such conviction.

I seriously don't think I'd have anything to live for if I didn't have my kids. They are the one thing that has gotten me this far.

Hello Lucky,

I am glad you are there for your kids. That's very important. They will never forget it. I can say I have become a lot closer to my S through all this junk.

There's an adage around here - believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. One thing to keep in mind is your H is doing a lot of self-convincing to justify where he is emotionally. He may look at you when he says these things (e.g. I don't love you, I only want to be friends, etc.), but there is a chance he's talking to himself.

Don't beat yourself up about backsliding, either. Just learn from it and move forward. All of us backslide from time to time around here. We're human.

Bummer about your art class being cancelled. You have more things lined up, though, to look forward to.

One day at a time... someone here said this journey takes the patience of a saint. Whew.

I have to reread the 37 rules again. I'm going to reread the first few chapters of DR tonight too. My head is spinning and I'm finding that I'm forgetting what it is I am supposed to be doing.

I hate how I'm feeling... and I hate how I keep chasing him out the door. (He leaves on his own anyway but I find I'm adding speed to his stride.. :S) so I think it's time to really commit to detaching.

He's over again tonight to watch the kids until I come back from work. Sigh. He says he's considering spending the night but we'll see.

"30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse."

Ah ha... broke rule 30 last night when I asked him to please stay for the evening.

Take a deep breath.

There's another adage around here - it's a marathon, not a sprint. So yes - one day at a time. Concentrate on what you need to do today. If you concentrate on the whole big picture, you will be quickly overwhelmed.

Don't focus so much on where your H is spending the night right now. He's going to do what he's going to do.

Is there anything you can do after work to GAL, before you get home? Even if you went to the library or went for a walk in a park, or did something else for your own mental health, it may create a little mystery.

Oh - and it looks like you may be off of moderation now.

(((Luckyclover)))

I'm sorry that you are going through this again. You won't meet a group of more solution-oriented, empathetic and compassionate people than you'll find here on DB. So, definitely, keep posting.

I wanted to write to you because we have some similarities in our sitches. We're both around the same age and have been with our spouses for around the same amount of time. And my H always maintains that we are really good friends - and you know what, he's right! So, I definitely understand the type of connection that you have with your H.

But I want to deliver a 2x4 to you today. You have got to work more actively to put yourself in a priority position in your life. What you want matters and what you need matters. H does not seem to be the person to give you those things right now. You have to find out how to dig deep and give those things (your wants and needs) to yourself. Do you want more love? How can you love yourself more? What do you like to do? What do you want out of life besides a romantic relationship? How can you get those things? You've been in this situation before and you already know this stuff.

It is definitely time to detach from H and connect with yourself. And you (and me too!) have to figure out a way to stay connected with yourself and to keep yourself in a top priority position in your own life. I'm rooting for you!

THATGIRL ==that was a 2X4 that I also needed.

Lucky, Julz and I seem to have a lot in common in certain ways i've noticed. Ladies, we all have to remember the kids are number one priority and that will give us the strength to keep going. It is so hard, but looking at my S4s little face I know i can't give up on life. As much as I might want to - and at times I do....

Thanks for keeping an eye on me, JB. Objectively I can step back from this and know I'm still knee-jerk reacting from "I can't believe it might be ending *again*" shock... but when one is in the thick of it... gets awfully hard to be objective. :S

Yes, of course... you are right. Stop caring about where H spends the nights. I'm trying to replace "Oh no he's gone." with "Oh good, now I can get some sleep tonight." Some nights it works. One evening after he packed up his backpack and left (after helping me put the kids to bed), I fell asleep pretty much right after he left... at 9:30pm... woke up at 6:30am when the kids got me up. All this emotional sprinting (when I should be marathoning) really physically drains a person, doesn't it? I'm learning to celebrate (even just a little bit) the nights that he takes off (even when I'd rather he stay) because I know I need the sleep.

I am going to see if there is anything I can do on the evenings by myself to create a little mystery and GAL to boot. It's hard when you're chained to the house but I'm going to see if there are evenings my brother can come over and housesit while the kids are asleep so I can go for a walk. I've also really been wanting to go see a movie by myself... not with a friend or H or anyone. Just me. It will remind me of college when I used to go to the movies by myself all the time.



I need more slaps upside the head with that 2x4, I swear. I keep forgetting that I should be the priority in my life. He was so broken when we reconciled that I developed a very bad habit of putting him first all the time.. to show him how he was important to me. Boy, was that poor long term planning or what? :S

Also... question.. what does GITS mean?

*Waves* Hi Maryr_32. Welcome to the heartbroken LBS club. It's a lousy club to be in full of really great people. Having to care for S5 and D4 certainly keeps me moving forward everyday.. even when I don't want to.

And hooray! I'm off moderation!

A message from the creative source today... I was stuck in traffic behind a car whose license plate read "GAL".