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I thought WAS' didn't want to engage in R talk?

Mine wants to talk about the R constantly.

Even when he's out, he's starting R talks by text.

He just texted me to tell me that he agrees that our old M was not good and if any of the things on my list of what I need are dealbreakers...

Here's a dealbreaker for you, Crazypants - Ending our R for the 4th time in 4 months on OUR Anniversary.

Of course, I didn't text that but I really want to.

Lol.... Crazypants. I like it.

((()))) E, I'm sorry to hear about the wicked roller coaster.


You're kidding! You didn't see that coming at all!



I don't know how you can take his bombs seriously. Is it at the point where they go in one ear and out the other? On a serious note, if you can detach from these bombs, I think your mental health would improve. It may be that he's pushing buttons, expecting a particular reaction. Could this be his way of indicating he wants to talk?


I think you need to just make photocopies of that bad boy.


Frankly, I think he's very, very confused. I don't think he knows what he wants. He's reading all these books, he's talking about the same things all the time. He's all over the map. He's searching.


I'm going to chalk this one up as a positive. I haven't read the book myself, but I have a general idea what it's about. I believe matches up pretty well at least one of your hot buttons on your list. I think it's good he wants to read it.


It may help to let go of it, though. If I haven't learned anything over these last 3 1/2 years, I've at least learned that everybody, and I do mean EVERYBODY has their junk. I think everyone thought the same of me, too. Getting it out there helped me, at least. It's helped me to help other people, too. Once people know I'm not perfect, either, they will share more.

I'm glad you found us here, E. I'm pulling for you.

Hang in there, E. ((()))

A part of me doesn't take the bombs seriously anymore but I think my distress is coming from the fact that I'm questioning whether I will ever trust him again. It feels like the long slow death of our M and I think that's what I'm reacting to.

Our M hasn't been healthy for about a year or so and neither of us did anything to make it better, so I take responsibility for that, but I've lived with a lot of fear. Fear of D, fear of hurting the kids. Fear of the future.

As for his way of using the bombs to talk, perhaps. He's more open during his bomb drops, and after as well for some unknown reason, but then he withdraws again. And we repeat the cycle.

He's been repeating this cycle for 20 years whenever we go through a trouble spot. I'm not sure he can stop it. But then when I'm feeling very low, I blame myself. As in perhaps, I am the wrong person for him and if he was with the right woman, he would be normal. And I'm just the wrong woman and I do this to men.



I almost spit my coffee out when I read that. Literally. Thanks. I needed a good laugh.




I agree but I'm getting angry that he holds all the power when it comes to our M and our family. I know that's my ego talking but I'm tired of feeling rejected and humiliated.




Well, he texted me last night (he's still texting me while we're both in the same house) to let me know that he bought the ebook. I ordered it for him off Amazon but it hasn't arrived yet so he's obviously very eager to read it. But I'm not even going to speculate (or consider it a positive) at this point because I have very little faith left. Sadly.




Yes, you are right. I think it's time for me to let go. Part of me feels guilty because the friend that is asking is 28 years old and I feel like I should be an example for her. She pursued the friendship with me and I have no idea why on earth she wanted to be friends with a 40 year old woman. Although, I know she looks up to me for a variety of reasons, and I feel like I shouldn't burden her. I'm not sure I'm even making sense but obviously I feel a sense of shame about all of this...

Thanks again, jb. ((()))

More journaling...

I've been reading the Midlife Crisis forum again for the past few days. I wonder if that's what I'm dealing with? It would certainly explain some of H's erratic behaviour.

He drinks too much. I believe he's depressed (despite his denial). He has admitted to being very angry over the death of his mother, and knows he is struggling with acceptance (trigger). And he is 41. He's also made statements about life being too short to be unhappy. And I've also noticed him withdrawing from our D16, which is breaking my heart as I don't want her to fear abandonment in her future R's with men.

I'm not sure if it makes that much of a difference if he is in MLC, but I suppose it could affect the way I deal with his confusion.

He sent me a text asking if I needed everything on my LIST wholeheardedly in a M.

I didn't respond.

I have no idea what he wants from me anymore. If I engage him in R talks, he will pull me in with affection and kindess, and then the minute I start feeling a little hope that we might be making "progress" (his words), he will tell me once again that he doesn't see himself growing old with me, and that our M is hopeless.

I can't go through it again.

This time I feel the need to protect myself. I don't even want to be in the same room with him because I feel so raw and vulnerable... and unsafe. I'm starting to feel a sense of panic at the thought of talking to him, or even looking at him.

Perhaps, he is trying to unconsciously push me to my breaking point so that I will throw him out, and then he doesn't have to look like that bad guy?

I'm really struggling today.

((())) I'm sorry it's another rough day.


And THAT made me laugh! So back atcha I'm hoping no one was hurt! I'm glad it made you laugh.


I think the bottom line, and at the risk of throwing around the common buzzwords from around here, is you need to detach from his emotions and GAL. Get off his emotional roller coaster. It sounds to me like it's killing you. Be careful (and I'm probably preaching to the choir), because this anxiety can cause other issues (e.g. I have a Cardiologist now). Speaking for myself, GAL'ing's been the key to detaching. I feel like I'm finding myself, finding who I really am. I am making my life better than my W's. As a result, my anxiety level's dropped to level even below that of before bomb #2. Not that doesn't rise and fall.

It's good that you own your part in your marriage being unhealthy. We all have to do that. However, it sounds to me like your M has unhealthy for longer than just the last year. I think you're going to be as good as the lowest common denominator. It seems like your H has been unhappy for some time.


Well, at least try to take some small nuggets of positive out of it. You might as well - it's better than the alternative. That doesn't mean you have to build up a bunch of false hope.


Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect. What you're doing by searching for the way to save your M is very commendable. It can be very inspiring to someone else. When you open up, I think others can see this as a sign of strength. Plus - what you have going on and how you're responding, may speak to her.

There seems to be a fine line between a MLC and a WAS. The approaches in DR are very similar. You detach, work on yourself, and GAL.

Well, that's my crack advice for the day You can use all or none of it.

Hang in there, E!

((())))

Thanks, as usual, jb. I'm hanging in there. H is out with S7. Thankfully.

I refuse to let him beat me down. I had a good cry earlier but he didn't witness it, and I feel a bit better now.

Thankfully, my work has been slow lately so I have more time today to pull myself together after the Anniversary big bomb drop. Something about doing that on our Anniversary is so incredibly painful and almost unforgivable. (At least that's what I'm feeling now so I hesitate to say I'm DONE). I could never be that heartless especially when the night before he WANTED to celebrate it. Ugh.

Although, at least I can use this stich as inspiration for my work. If you knew what I did for a living, it would be good for a good giggle.

jb, Oh, and the Cardiologist is concerning (I hope you're okay!) and I know long term anxiety can cause other problems, which is why I'm conflicted. A part of me knows this M is VERY unhealthy and perhaps I should be the one to say, it's done.

But the other part of me wants to own my stuff, grow as a person and save this M. I don't want my kids to be shuffled between two homes... and then there's the stress of D. The kid's depression, eventual OP's, blended families, step-parenting. Eeek. That all causes me anxiety too.

That's why I'm letting him decide but he's not very good at decisions. Obviously.

I'm fine. I just had some episodes of SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) after bomb #1 and while we were in counseling. My Cardiologist didn't think it was stress related, but I am suspecting it was. But then again, I'm not the expert I'm on meds now and haven't had any episodes for over 2 years now.


Yeah, I hear ya. Outside of the first sentence - you aren't there yet. You definitely have control over owning your own stuff, which it sounds like you've done, and you're growing as a person. Concentrate on this. Cross the other bridges when you come to them.

Maybe one of these days I'll find out what you do for a living, but I'm not going to prod.

That's a relief. With all the physical exercise you do, you have to be in pretty good shape. I imagine that's a positive.




I'm trying. I have a habit of letting my imagination get the best of me.

Anyway, I just read dearme's entire sitch and I think I need to detach a lot more. And as you've mentioned, as have others so many times - I also need to GAL more because the back and forth is wearing me down.

That said, I got another text this evening:

H: I've been reading, I've been thinking, doing more reading, researching. I just don't want to say anything stupid...There is some chicken and asparagus for you in the kitchen. I will eat in the basement so the coast is clear. After I am going to go back to some reading and reflection...

M: K